Hail to the End of 4Kids
by RubberLotusShipper
Summary: A party is hosted in celebration of the end of the 4Shame dub and the rise of the FUNimation dub. However, as almost every character in the OP universe attends, humor, chaos and OOCness ensues.
1. The banquet begins

Disclaimer(Luffy): RubberLotusShipper does not own One Piece. Now, where's my meat?!

Nami: You baka! Get back in here!(Pulls Luffy into fanfiction)We've got a show to do!

It was a morning like any other on the Thousand Sunny. Nami was drawing maps and beating the crap out of her crewmates for goofing around, Sanji was cooking breakfast and beating the crap out of Luffy for watching and drooling through the window, Zoro was lifting weights that looked like 200 boulders on top of a mountain on top of a stick, Franky was below deck, making sure that the Soldier Dock system worked perfectly, and Chopper and Usopp were running around, goofing off with Luffy. Brook was in the laundry room, looking for Nami's underwear.

That left one crew member: Robin. She was reading a book as usual on a lawn chair, until a scroll was dropped onto her lap from a bird flying in the sky.

"Robin-chwan!" hollered Sanji, who had just finished cooking. "What does it say?"

Robin unrolled the scroll, reading with increasing confusion.

"You are hereby invited to a party/awards ceremony that will be held in honor of the dreaded 4Kids dub". At this, everybody shuddered.

"What moron in their right mind would throw a party in honor of those bastards?!" roared Zoro with anger.

"Be quiet, marimo!" shouted Sanji, kicking Zoro in the head for interrupting a lady. "Robin-chwan isn't finished talking" His visible eye then became a heart as he fell prey to his hormones once again. "Please continue, Robin-chwan!"

Robin continued reading, ignoring the Zoro/Sanji brawl that had just started and was quickly stopped by the fiery-headed navigator. "That has been hereby cancelled, and the property released by the evil 4Kids empire". At this, everybody sighed in relief. Nobody was happy about how 4Kids gave Luffy a voice like a girl with a sore throat, or about how Usopp sounded like a clown on crack getting kicked in the balls every other word, or about how the Little Garden arc was skipped, but Nami got sick anyhow and Mr.3 "had been pursuing them since they left Rougetown".

"And so, we will be throwing a three-day celebration with lots of free food, games, and concerts, along with an awards ceremony for the most popular, coolest, most cold-hearted, and most annoying pirates, marines, and anything in-between!"

"WOOHOO!!!!" shouted Luffy, obviously interested in the "free food" part. "We're going to that party thing!"

"Hold it, Luffy!" demanded Nami, obviously annoyed at her child-minded captain. "It doesn't even say how we get there!"

"Oi!" shouted Franky, who was inspecting the crow's nest. "Whirlpool off the starboard side!"

This was no ordinary whirlpool, as a golden light glowed from inside, and it seemed to expand before the Thousand Sunny, becoming large enough to swallow the entire ship. Franky attempted to activate every feature on the enormous ship to escape the whirlpool, but the ship was hopelessly sucked inside, with everybody screaming, except Luffy, who was laughing like a madman all the time.

The Thousand Sunny landed in an ocean far away from the Grand Line, in an area close to the coast of an island much like a parking lot, except it was in the water and the spaces were marked with crossing tape instead of paint. The ship landed inside an extra-large space marked "FOR RESERVED VIP'S ONLY".

"Where are we?" mumbled Nami, shaken up from being sucked into the whirlpool.

"Hey!" remarked Luffy. "There's a party on that island! And parties mean meat!"

"Could this be the celebration that the scroll spoke of?" wondered Robin aloud.

"Hey, what's going on?" asked a dizzy Brook, who had a pair of Robin's underwear wrapped around his top hat. A swift beating from Nami was more than enough to convince him to put the panties back, though Robin didn't seem to mind.

"Alright, I'm still not sure about this, but I guess that we can go ashore…" started Nami, until she noticed that Luffy had already taken a small rowboat and was furiously rowing toward the island.

"That idiot!" roared Nami. Since the island had no dock, the others took three more rowboats to get to the island.

Despite the tables filled with food, the balloons, and the games, the party had the air of a funeral… and that was probably because there was one being held right now.

A little over a thousand seats were arranged in front of a podium, most of them filled with people that the Straw Hats had met over their journey. The infamous Shichibukai Bartholomew Kuma was standing at the podium, his trademark bible resting on the podium.

"Hey!" shouted Luffy. "There's that weird knight ossan! And that curly-haired guy! And those giant-ossans! And those… OWWWW!!!"

"Will you shut up?!" screamed Nami. "There are Shichibukai, marines, and really powerful pirates here! We need to lay low!"

"Oi! Anchor!" shouted Shanks from a raised seat in the crowd. "Where have you been for the last ten years?!"

"Being a pirate!" shouted Luffy back. He then jumped into a seat right next to Shanks'.

"Nice work taking down Enies Lobby!" commented Shanks. "Never thought that you had it in ya!" . The red-haired emperor of the sea then gave Luffy a slight noogie and laughed as the rubber boy (more accurately, a rubber man) attempted to hit Shanks and prove that he was tough.

"Wait.." breathed Usopp. "If Shanks is here... then could my father be here as well?"

"Oi! Usopp!" called a voice that Usopp had not heard for the last ten years of his life... but he knew instantly who it belonged to.

"Dad!" shouted the pencil-nosed sharpshooter.

"How's my boy doing?" asked Yasopp, the sniper of the Red-Hair pirate crew.

"I... I'm a man! A brave warrior of the sea!" announced Usopp.

"I knew that you'd become a brave warrior!" congragulated Yasopp proudly. "The spirit of a pirate is in our blood!"

"Quiet up there!" hollered Bartholomew from the podium. "I'm not done talking!"

"Oh, yes you are!" shouted Donquixote Doflamingo, another Shichibukai.

Doflamingo shoved Bartholomew out of the way. Then assumed Bartholomew's position of the podium and stated:

"Alright, so blah blah blah, the evil 4Kids empire is defeated, we get a better dub, and we also get uncut DVD's" announced Doflamingo. "Now, can we at least get to the party and the awards ceremony? I'm hungry as hell!"

Before any of the Straw Hats had even managed to sit down, Doflamingo finished the funeral speech for the 4Kids dub in 10 seconds by talking far too fast for any of them to understand. After the incredibly short speech, Doflamingo ordered an enormous coffin to be carried over to its final resting place - a large grave with "4Piece, 2005-2007 written on it and "We will not miss thee nor thy edits" written beneath that.

The coffin was placed into the hole dug, and a layer of earth was put over it. Everybody remained silent - and those that had and hats or headwear took it off as a curtsey - for three seconds, at least. After the three second period, Nami immediately ran over to the grave and put up a booth, complete with a sign stating "IF YOU DESPERATELY NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW, YOU CAN PAY 500 BELI TO PISS RIGHT HERE" and sporting a large arrow pointing to the 4Piece grave.

"Typical" mumbled Zoro, rolling his eyes. Nami had obviously planned this from the moment that they saw the funeral. She must have guessed that it would be effective as well, as people and animals were stampeding toward the grave, handing Nami loads of beli.

After the long-awaited death and funeral of the 4Kids dub, the party began, with all the promised food, games, and all-around fun. Usopp was telling his father about his adventures as a brave sea warrior (75 percent of which were lies). Meanwhile, Luffy was helping himself to the all-you-can-eat buffet, which, for some reason, never seemed to run out. Wapol was challenging the Straw Hat captain to an eating contest, while Foxy was challenging random people to either 1-coin, 2-coin, or 3-coin games of the Davy Back Fight, half of which he lost. Buggy was running around, trying to find either Shanks or Luffy, but he had gotten hopelessly lost in the hedge maze present at the party.

Speaking of Shanks, the red-haired captain was participating in a drinking contest with the Straw Hats' green-haired first mate, whom he barely beat. Both men were in a slump over a table, red-faced, hiccuping, and mumbling bits of speech while being surrounded by numerous bottles/cups of grog.

"What carefree fools!" snorted Mihawk in disgust. Since every other pirate on the Grand Line was going to the party, the hawk-eyed swordsman felt that if he didn't go as well, he would be pursued the next few days by a fate worse that death - boredom. Childish as his reason seemed, Mihawk simply couldn't bring himself to admit that even he wasn't as emotionless as to deny that a little fun now and then couldn't hurt.

Over at another corner of the party, Chopper had met up with Ben Beckman of the Red-Hair pirate crew by accident, and the man, knowing the half-human doctor was part of Luffy's crew from the Enies Lobby wanted posters, had decided to use this opportunity to find out how his captain's favorite rubber boy had changed in the last ten years. During their conversation, Ben also revealed to Chopper that they had aquired an elixir on the last island that they visited which supposedly had the power to cure any disease with one sip. Chopper's eyes sparkled, obviously believing this and bowled over that such an artifact could exist.

"Problem is, we're not sure if it's genuine or not" Ben told the young Zoan user. "The guy who sold it to us ran away in less than a second, and our captain insisted that we keep it". Ben placed a hand on his forehead, obviously annoyed with his captain's decision. "He said that if it wasn't real, at least we would have a good flavoring for all the alcohol onboard. Even worse, there's nobody onboard to try it out on".

"Can I study it?" asked Chopper, obviously jumping at the chance to discover true panacea.

"You'll have to ask the captain first" responded Ben. "Though not even the doctor of our ship could identify what the elixir contained. I don't mean to criticize your skill, but I doubt that you'll find anything that you can understand".

"We'll see" was Chopper's response. Shanks had eagerly agreed to the young doctor's proposal, though at the time, he appeared so drunk that he couldn't tell the difference between an orange and a large gorilla.

Along with Ben, Chopper took one of the boats that were supplied at the coast of the island that they were on to get to Shanks' ship. Chopper was amazed at the sheer size of Shanks' ship, as it appeared to be the same size as the Thousand Sunny.

"Just look for a vial of pink stuff" said Ben when he and Chopper had entered the lab belonging to Shanks' doctor.

Meanwhile, Foxy had picked the worst possible time to play a game of Davy Back Fight with Luffy(who had stopped eating because Sanji was kicking the crap out of him for eating so noisily and sloppily) as revenge for humilitaing him before. This time around, Luffy's participants (which included Vivi, Usopp, and Gan Fall in the first round) had managed to win the Donut Race due to Sanji kicking the crap out of Foxy whenever he tried to interfere. Foxy was currently playing Groggy Ring with him this time, and Luffy's participants included himself, Franky, and Zoro.

"Gomu Gomu no... Bazooka!" screamed Luffy. The attack pushed Pickles of the Groggy Monsters right out of the ring and straight into the ship parking lot, where he crashed through the side of Shanks' ship like a cannonball and smashed right into the lab where Chopper and Ben were.

Chopper, who had just found the vial, was startled by Pickles' sudden entry and dropped the vial (which, thankfully, didn't break). The large pirate's sudden entry also rocked the medium-sized room, causing several bottles & vials to drop onto the floor. Ben held his head again as he lit a cigarette. This was going to be a long day...

"It's okay" said Chopper as he reached under a desk for what he thought was the elixir. He put the vial inside his backpack without looking at it, in his hurry to get inside his own little lab as soon as possible.

Once he stepped onto the Thousand Sunny, he met up with Sanji in the kitchen.

"Oi, Chopper" Sanji called to the young doctor. "Nami-san wanted a plate of my cinnamon rolls at the same time that Robin-chan wanted a pot of coffee. I have to constantly watch the oven's temperature to make them just right, so can you pour the sugar into the coffee after about 2 minutes?"

"Sure, Sanji" responded Chopper.

Why Sanji kept the special sugar for his Robin-chan's coffee in a vial similar to the one that the supposed elixir, we'll never know. However, just as Chopper was unloading the elixir from his backpack and walking toward his little lab, Luffy(who was currently participating in KO combat with Foxy) made the idiotic decision of using another Gomu Gomu no Bazooka that Foxy had failed to block or dodge. Since Foxy had rigged the cannon to fire at his ship yet again, and his ship was quite close to the Thousand Sunny in the parking lot, Foxy was sent flying off his own ship and into the open kitchen door on the Sunny, resulting in him crashing inside the kitchen and right into Chopper. The vial went flying out of Chopper's hooves and landed on the counter where the coffee was brewing, knocking the vial of sugar off of it and taking its place.

"Chopper!" shouted Sanji, who was just carrying a plate of cinnamon rolls to a boat by the Sunny. "What was that noise?"

"N-nothing" replied Chopper. Foxy appeared to be out cold, and Chopper did not want him to be harmed by Sanji any further for wrecking his kitchen. He was after all, a doctor. After doing his usual panic routine, Chopper decided to treat the large bump on Foxy's head while pouring the sugar into the pot of coffee at the same time. Not noticing the real vial of sugar beneath the counter, Chopper poured in the "elixir" instead.

However, the salesman that had sold Shanks' crew the supposed elixir had only been half-telling the truth. He had really discovered the vial in an ancient temple, but he had not idead what it really did, so, having once been a doctor, he decided to sell it off as a miracle medicine. Unbeknownst to anybody, the elixir was really a potion that caused anyone who drank it to fall madly in love with the first person that they saw, regardless of what it was mixed with. In fact, its effects were amplified by three times when it was mixed with coffee beans.

A couple of minutes later, Sanji returned after getting poked in the eye for flirting with Nami. He got the pot of coffee and rowed back to the island in the boat that he had gotten to the Sunny with in the first place. Walking past the Usopp Pirates(along with Chimney and Gonbe) playing "Pin the Tail on the Jackass" with a poster of Al Kahn on all fours, with the ears of a donkey and a target on his ass, which was facing the players(thank god Kahn actually had clothes on) and Dr. Kureha hitting Crocus for hitting on her, Sanji instantly went into love-cook mode as he set the pot of coffee on the tiny table right next to the lawn chair where Robin was sitting.

"Robin-chwan!" shouted the blonde chef. "I made this pot of coffee for you and your goddess-like beauty!"

"Thank you, Kokku-san" said Robin, which turned Sanji's visible eye into a heart.

As Sanji skipped away like a little girl to adore the other girls on the island, Robin drank her coffee. It tasted strange, and not like her usual flavor at all.

"Something wrong, Robin?" asked Nami. Thankfully, the potion only worked when the drinked saw a person of the opposite sex, so Robin did not fall in love with the fiery-headed navigator.

"Not at all, Kokaishi-san" responded Robin

"Oi! Robin!" shouted Luffy, getting right into Robin's face. "I found this thing!" the child-minded captain shouted annoyingly, holding up what appeared to be the "armored squid" that he showed to Vivi in Little Garden.

"That's nice, Luffy-k..." Robin started, but was interrupted by a fuzzy feeling in her head. She suddenly felt as if electricity were entering her body, but this was far from what she had experienced on Skypeia when Eneru had quite literally shocked her with his Goro Goro powers. It felt kind of good actually, as vivid fantasies suddenly entered her head about making out with the childish rubber captain and taking long romantic walks on the beach. Robin closed her eyes, trying to cancel out those thoughts. A pirate captain, after all, could not have these relationships with his crew, or he would become a weak link to the rest of the crew, but the raven-haired archaeologist failed miserably in shutting out her fantasies, and slowly succumbed to them.

"Oi! Robin! You all right?" the voice of her crush boomed.

"Baka! Leave her alone!" came the voice of the quick-to-anger navigator, followed by a dull THUD.

When Robin opened her eyes, she found the object of her affections to have a rather large bump on his head.

"Luffy-kun, I need to pick something up from the Thousand Sunny" Robin barely managed to get out. "Will you accompany me?"

"Eh? Sure" said Luffy, completely forgetting about the "armored squid" and tossing it aside.

Once inside the Sunny, Robin lead Luffy inside her room and to her bed. Next, she sprouted a hand by the door with her Hana Hana powers and locked the door. Even though she was infatuated with her captain, didn't mean that she had lost her common sense.

"It's on the roof" the archaeologist lied. "Get on the bed and see if you can see it."

"Like this? - oof!"

Robin had sprouted several hands around Luffy's hands and feet, restraining him to the bed. Robin knew that the D bloodline granted Luffy inhuman strength and that he could easily break free, so she would have to act fast.

"You know, you're even more handsome when you're tied down" said the historian huskily. not waiting for a response, Robin crawled onto the bed, grabbed Luffy's head, and pulled the rubberman toward her, placing a rough kiss onto her captain. Not bothering to see whether or not he was hurt, Robin sprouted a dozen more hands onto Luffy's lean yet muscular form and began to rapidly strip off his clothes, as well as her own.

Nobody saw either one of them for the rest of the day...

Getting back to everybody else, Kokoro was discussing with the recovered Shanks which kind of alcohol was the most delicious, while Zoro was trying to challenge Mihawk to a drinking contest since he decided that he had not trained enough to challenge Takanome to a rematch duel. Mihawk rolled his eyes and ignored the former pirate hunter, knowing that he could defeat Zoro in a drinking contest if Zoro was drinking water and he was drinking 20 cups of sake at once.

Mohji, Cabaji, and Alvida had finally began to miss Buggy a little, so they embarked on a search-and-rescue mission for the clown pirate, if one's definition of "search-and-rescue" meant cutting down every inch of the hedge maze with a saber until they found the pirate captain. Meanwhile, Yasopp and Van Auger were participating in a sniping contest, since the celebration called for everybody to call a truce. The contest featured posters of Al Kahn pinned to trees various distances from the two marksmen, and Usopp sat on a raised chair, calling ot from a megaphone which of Kahn's body parts the sharpshooters were supposed to shoot next.

Nami was beating the living daylights out of Brook for wanting to see her panties, Porche was looking for her precious "Choppy", Cindry was tied to a tree by Zeff so that she wouldn't break any more of the good china, Dorry and Broggy were fighting once again, since Nojiko had promised to ring a large bell every hour(she didn't approve of their feud, but they had promised to pay her), and various pirates were placing bets on who would win.

Several of Zoro's old enemies had come to challenge him to a rematch, whom he beat all at once without any effort. The Usopp pirates were trying to play a prank on Sanji by switching his cigarettes with lollipops, which didn't work and earned them some swift beatings from the blonde-haired chef.

Since all of the marines were officialy declared off-duty, Smoker temper rose, since he was surrounded by pirates and he couldn't arrest them. Tashigi insisted that she would only have a little 'friendly spar' with Roronoa, which lead to the green-haired swordsman to constantly stay on his guard, lest she would find him unexpectedly and challenge him to a duel.

Gan Fall, Conis, and other citizens of Sky Island were showing how dials worked to various blue-sea dwellers. However, this didn't go so well, as Carue somehow found himself trapped on a runaway waver. Meanwhile, Genzo was accidentally burning himself with a flame dial.

At last, night fell, and everybody helped themselves to the night buffet. Kodama from Fireworks Island prepared a special 207 ball, creating the largest and brightest fireworks that anyone has ever seen.

"Attention, everybody" called a voice that came from a mysterious figure at the far end of the banquet table, tapping a wine glass with a fork. The figure stood up, revealing himself to be dressed in a flat-top hat, a black judge's robe, and black polished shoes. The figure had most of his face wrapped up with bandages, only his eyes showing, and he also carried a cane that bore a grinning skull on top.

"I would like to thank everybody for coming to celebrate the demise of the $Kids empire" continued the figure. "Now, everybody eat, drink, smoke, and play games as much as you like, and the awards ceremony will be held tomorrow. All winners get trophies of various sizes made of solid gold. That is all".

"Hey, where do you suppose Luffy is?" asked Usopp. "He hasn't missed a meal since we left Water 7!"

"How should I know?" asked Sanji, lighting a cigarette. "Maybe he's eating somewhere else".

"If he's still not back by the end of dinner, some of us will go looking for that baka" said Zoro, putting a full bottle of beer to his lips. "But for now, let's just enjoy a meal where we don't have our food stolen by him".

"Yeah, you're right" said Nami, before downing a glass of mikan juice. "Besides, we still have that ceremony to worry about. One of you guys better win at least one trophy!" she shouted with sudden rage.

"Oh brother!" mumbled Zoro, who was eating onigiri, while Sanji yelled "Hai, Nami-swan!" and enjoyed the lobster.

Meanwhile...on the Sunny...

Luffy woke up groggily. Was it morning already? Hey... this wasn't his room! The rubberman rolled over to get a better look, only to find the ship's beautiful historian holding his arm oh so enticingly.

Luffy yelped and jumped about ten feet into the air, only stopping because he had hit his head on the ceiling of Robin's room. However, Robin still hadn't let go of his arm, and it had stretched all the way over to the ceiling. The yelp, however, had woken Robin up, and the nude historian opened her eyes slowly, seeing the shocked rubber captain on the ceiling of her room.

"Oh, Luffy-kun" the supposed demon of Ohara said huskily."You're up already. Want to go get some dinner?"

The events that had happened before they had went to sleep came flooding back to Luffy, causing him to blush furiously. However, now that he thought about it, it actually felt kind of good kissing the gorgeous 28-year old. Even though their enormous age gap lead this relationship to be somewhat awkward, Luffy had to admit that Robin did have a good figure. However, just because he was somewhat in love as well didn't mean that his love for food had disappeared, and the rubber man began slobbering.

"FOOD!" Luffy shouted. "Come on, Robin!" he grabbed the historian and launched himself and Robin to the buffet table with a "Gomu Gomu no Rocket" , obviously failing to remember that neither he nor Robin had any clothes on, bar Luffy's hat, which he went to sleep with.

This attempt at high-speed travel, by pure luck, ended up a lot less disasterous than most of Luffy's other attempts, only causing the two Straw Hats to crash onto the table and land in a sitting position.

"Hi everybody, sorry we're late!" shouted Luffy obnoxiously, obviously unaware of either him or Robin being nude.

Everybody at the night banquet dropped any utensils that they were holding. Anyone who had food or drink in their mouths spat it out, and one guy who sounded suspiciously like Blackbeard was snickering.

Then, a full blown riot broke out as the current situation dropped onto the crowd like a bomb. Sanji began crying and fainted soon after, mumbling something about heading down a warm tunnel and seeing a bright light, Chopper was yelling for a doctor before realizing that he was one, all the Baratie cooks, marines, and basically anyone male that was present had geysers of blood spewing out their noses and fainted as well, and Nojiko was putting blindfolds on any children that were present, yelling that they were at least 10 years too young to see this. Ace and Shanks were cheering Luffy on, while Mihawk acted like nothing had happened and couldn't care less.

"My eyes!" shouted one person. "I'm blind!"

"Has Robin lost it?!" yelled Nami.

"Everybody, please calm down!" shouted the figure hosting the banquet. "We've got everything under control!"

This was obviously not true, as people started to panic, Luffy was completely ignorant to these shouts, and began stuffing himself, while Robin cuddled him and Sanji, who had just woken up, fainted again. This, of course, lead Chopper to panic even more.

"Shit, it's not working!" mumbled the figure. He then pulled a small control box from his sleeve and pressed a button, causing streams of knock-out gas to spray from hidden nozzles all over the island.

"If this happens again..." mumbled the figure, holding his head.

End of Chapter 1

Okay, I know that there wasn't much 4Shit bashing in this chapter, but I promise that more will come in the later chapters.


	2. The romantic rivalry

Disclaimer(Zoro): -Snore- What? Huh? Oh Yeah… RubberLotusShipper does not own One Piece, Oda-san does. Can I go back to sleep now?

The knock out gassing had been a success, as everybody instantly calmed down and went to sleep. The figure sighed and wiped his forehead, then went inside a large building that had apparently popped out of nowhere. He needed to get some rest as well. After all, he was hosting an awards ceremony tomorrow…

As the sun dawned on the island, the snoozing pirates and marines began to awaken. Zoro, surprisingly, was the first up.

"Man…" the swordsman mumbled. "I had the weirdest dream last night. Robin and Luffy were both naked, and they crashed that banquet that was hosted in honor of those shitty $Kids bastards' dub dying. He turned around, seeing Luffy and Robin, both still naked, and cuddling with each other.

It took the green-hair swordsman a few minutes to register the scene into his still-awakening brain. When it finally occurred to him that his "dream" had not been a dream at all, Zoro thought that he was going to hurl… Who would have guessed that the two would end up together? But, if they were happy like that, who was he to judge? Zoro flipped over again, attempting to get back to sleep and put the disturbing image behind him out of his mind.

Unfortunately, Sanji was extremely close to Zoro when he fell asleep, and the cook was still knocked out, having a vivid dream about going on a date with his precious girls in each hand. However, the cook did not realize that he spoke and even moved in his dreams, and his hand drifted close to the sleeping Zoro's.

"It would be a pleasure, mademoiselle, to accompany you back to the Sunny" said the dreaming and love-struck Sanji. His hand fell on top of Zoro's, and the chef pulled what he thought was Nami closer, puckering his lips.

"But first, would you grace me with your delicious sugar-coated lips?" the ero-cook asked.

Luckily, Zoro had not fallen asleep just yet. So when he saw the ero-cook's lips getting close to his, he did what was only natural.

"What the hell do you think that you're doing?!" roared Zoro.

"What the hell?! Where did Nami-swan go?!" shouted Sanji, who had just woken up. "I almost kissed a marimo?! That's my worst nightmare ever!"

"Same here" mumbled Zoro. "At least we can agree on something. But then again, you'd be lucky to get a kiss from a guy every five years!"

"What was that marimo?!" screamed Sanji.

"You heard me, dartbrow" challenged Zoro.

Soon, the swords and kicks were flying, and those noises woke up pretty much anyone else on the island.

"Man, that was some party last night" mumbled Usopp. "I had the weirdest dream".

"Was it the one about Luffy and Robin being naked? I had that one too" said Nami, who had just woken up. She saw Sanji and Zoro fighting, and quickly punched both of them, yelling about them disturbing her beauty sleep.

"No beauty sleep can cure your soul, if you have one" mumbled Zoro, who now had a large bump on his head.

Three of the Straw Hats turned around, except Zoro, who was trying to go back to sleep.

"What…" mumbled Usopp

"The…" Nami continued.

"He…hel… Hell!" sobbed Sanji.

The three Straw Hats saw exactly what Zoro saw, and they were less than calm. Since everybody else was waking up fast, Nami and Usopp decided to carry the two lovers back to the Sunny to get dressed, while Sanji would distract everybody.

When the captain and the historian awoke, they found themselves to be in Robin's room, fully clothed but still cuddling each other and in Robin's bed.

Luffy, once again, yelped and jumped into the air, hitting his head on Robin's ceiling. Like before, his arm stretched all the way up.

Just like last time, Robin awoke, apparently confused as to why they were both clothed and why they were back on the Thousand Sunny. Then she remembered how they had crashed the banquet last night, and she began to blush. The gorgeous archaeologist searched for her precious sencho-san, finding him grabbing a rafter on the ceiling and clinging tightly.

"Luffy-kun" Robin called seductively. Do you remember how we got here?

"Hmmmm…." the rubberman searched his mostly empty head for an answer, but failed. "Nope! Anyway, let's go eat!"

"Not so fast, Luffy-kun" said Robin as the childish man jumped down from the ceiling. She grabbed his head and kissed him with passion, but Luffy's body was still running toward the door, causing his neck to stretch. When Robin's soft pink lips clashed with his Luffy forgot about running, causing his body to stop moving and be dragged back by his rubber neck retracting. The weight of his body retracting into his head so suddenly caused Luffy to be shot forward, and unintentionally kiss Robin back.

Robin was not complaining. Who knew that her sencho-san was such a good kisser? After a few minutes of tangling tongues, the two Straw Hats decided to go to breakfast.

Meanwhile… at the breakfast buffet…

"Shouldn't Luffy be up by now?" wondered Usopp aloud, eating a ham-and-cheese omelette.

"What's your point?" asked Nami, who was downing a glass of mikan juice. He's probably making out with his new girlfriend right now" the navigator commented snidely.

Upon hearing this, Sanji, who was lighting a cigarette, went into a depression with storm clouds above his head(kinda like how Foxy acts when somebody insults him), sobbing "Robin-chan" over and over again.

The two Straw Hats mentioned arrived at the table just then, Robin latching onto Luffy's arm. This only made Sanji cry harder, but neither Straw Hat seemed to notice.

Foxy, who was just passing by with a cup of grog in his hand along with Hamburg and Porche, saw the scene, and began laughing.

"Phephephephephephephephe! How pathetic!" the DBF master said.

"Up yours, split-head!" spat Usopp, defending his nakama.

Foxy assumed his usual "depressed position" alongside Sanji, creating a matching pair.

"Don't they make such a sweet depressed couple?" asked Zoro mockingly, eating a stack of pancakes.

The mocking comment turned Sanji's depression into rage, and soon enough, the kicks and swords began flying, mixed with insults. But this time, instead of Nami stopping the brawl, it was Brook, who swiftly whapped their heads with his cane.

"Now, now, children", said the gentleman skeleton "it's not polite to fight during a meal".

"Wow, thanks, Brook" said Nami, not quite sure of what to say.

"Now, can I see your panties as a reward?" asked Brook.

"Don't push your luck, ero-skeleton" said Nami, slightly pissed off and holding her throbbing fist dangerously close to Brook's skull.

Luffy, on the other hand, was trying to stuff ten breakfast hams down his throat at once, while Robin was eating a small pastry and was watching him eat. His enormous appetite, after all, was even more attractive to her, and the historian failed to hold back a sigh.

"I think that I'm going to be sick" mumbled Nami. How could anybody, much less the always logical and distanced Robin, fall in love with that dunce?

"Nami-swan!" yelled Sanji, wiggling like a noodle with his visible eye turned into a heart. "Would you like a cup of my special coffee blend? It'll calm your nerves!"

"Sure, go make some" mumbled Nami.

Sanji skipped like a little girl to the coast of the island, then rowed a small boat to the Thousand Sunny and began preparing the coffee. However, due to Usopp having also come onto the ship to grab a couple materials to make his next hairbrained invention, and Sanji turning his head to ask Usopp why he had come onto the ship, Sanji accidentally grabbed the love potion that Chopper had left on the counter(Chopper had mistaken the vial of sugar for the "elixir") and poured it into the coffee instead.

"Here you go, Nami-swaaannnnn!" said a love-struck Sanji as he handed Nami a cup of the coffee, with the potion mixed into it. He would've stayed to watch her drink it, but Vivi waas strolling by, and Sanji went after her.

Nami mumbled something and drank the coffee, and at that time, turned her head to gaze at the unlikliest couple in history. The potion worked its magic like last time, and soon, Nami was also blushing as she stared at Luffy's handsome form. She _had_ to have the rubber man as her boyfriend and future husband.

However, the cold, hard truth hit her like a brick. Luffy already had Robin, and the beautiful 28-year old was there first. However, the potion's effects proved to be too strong, and soon Nami began to envy Robin and Luffy's relationship. What did Robin have that she didn't? Straight, black hair? Larger boobs? A more tragic past?

"Luffy, can I talk to Robin alone?" asked Nami.

"Eh? Sure" replied Luffy. Robin pouted, but didn't complain.

"Yes? Kokaishi-san?" asked Robin once Luffy left.

"You've got till' the end of the day to get away from_ my _man!" shouted the fiery-headed navigator.

"Your man?" questioned Robin. "Luffy is _mine. _After all, I was here first".

"Being first in line doesn't mean anything if he doesn't return your feelings" countered Nami.

"What makes you so sure of that?" asked the older woman. "After all, he did go to all that trouble to bring me back from Enies Lobby".

"He'd do that for all his nakama!" objected Nami.

"Wanna bet?" challenged Robin.

Meanwhile... at a place far away...

Since they had no idea how long they were going to be staying, the Foxy crew had set up the funfair from the last Davy Back Fight, with food, games, and even a ride or two.

"Step right up!" said a man who appeared to be Franky dressed in carny clothes with a fake moustache and a bamboo cane, who was standing next to a small rollercoaster. Wait, _Franky_ was wearing _pants_? It's the end of the world as we know it!

At least, that's what Usopp was yelling as he ran through the funfair, looking for a few laughs. Some people, such as the Usopp pirates, Chopper, and Jango actually believed him, and began running all over the funfair, yelling things about the impending apocalypse.

Meanwhile Luffy had wandered to a different spot of the buffet, and was competing a an eating contest rematch with Wapol. Some guy from Water 7 kept track of everything that they ate. God knows how he did it.

What Luffy ate/drank in 1 hour:

28 whole turkeys

60 turkey legs

10 cups of grog

100 kilos of sea king meat

12 hot fudge sundaes

8 bowls of fruit

23 chocolate milkshakes

25 cheeseburgers

10 slices of pepperoni pizza

2 dozen jelly donuts

20 liters of root beer

2 bottles of champange(he didn't like the fancy wine too much)

3 bowls of spaghetti

2 wedding-cake sized ice-cream cakes

20 tacos

10 bowls of miso ramen

3 bowls of that curry cooked by Tajiyo(the kid from Sanji's episode in the Post-Arabasta Filler arc)

13 bottles of ginger ale(Usopp had put one of his "Tabasco Bomber" pellets in the tacos and the curry as a joke)

What Wapol ate/drank in 1 hour:

14 plates of apple pie a la mode

30 bowls of turtle soup

30 caviar burgers

25 plates of veal ravioli with cheese

10 plates of nachos

23 plates of roast beef

40 mutton drumsticks

50 boxes of french fries

12 plates of sushi

3 dozen onigiri

2 dozen candied apples

4 bowls of Tajiyo's curry

1 bag's worth of cooked rice

3 bottles of grog

4 bottles of ginger ale

2 dozen pork dangos(little round dumplings)

24 PB & J sandwiches(primitive, but delicious)

After the hour was up, the judge(Zeff) declared Luffy the winner, which lead Wapol to challenge him to another rematch tomorrow.

Back to Nami and Robin...

"Okay, I've got an idea. All of the pirates and marines here are binded by a truce with us, right?" asked Nami.

"Right" answered Robin.

"So, all we have to do if convince a couple of them to pretend to kidnap and harm us, then take us to seperate places and warn Luffy that he had to rescue us by himself or we'll be killed" said Nami. "Whoever Luffy comes after first will be whomever he loves the most".

"Good idea" said Robin. "But, where will we find pirates/marines willing to go along with this plot? They have to be weak enough for us to easily defeat if they decide to turn on us".

"Hey, what do you want to do now?" Fullbody asked Jango. Both marines were just passing by.

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I know! Let's go look for Hina's panties!"

"I think that I have an idea..." mused Nami.

Five minutes later...

Jango and Fullbody were both beaten up really badly(but not unconcious yet) and tied up. Fullbody had several large bumps on his head and burn marks all over his body, while Jango's teeth were broken, his sunglasses cracked, and streams of blood pouring down his face.

"Why are we doing this again?" asked Bon Clay. He and Usopp were dressed in marine uniforms in their sizes. Usopp had a mask made to look like Jango's face.

"Because if you don't, I'll fry you two with my perfect Clima-Tact and Robin here will snap your non-existant spines!" shouted Nami. She and Robin were tied up individually to make it look like they were really captured.

Bon Clay sighed, then used his Mane Mane powers to change his face into that of Fullbody's, while Usopp pulled on his Jango mask.

"Help! Luffy!" shouted Nami. Luffy was about ten feet away, so he heard her.

"Ha Ha! We've got these two members of Luffy's crew, and now we'll take them to Impel Down!" laughed the disguised Usopp, doing a poor job of acting.

"Yes!" agreed the disguised Bon Clay, much more convincingly.

"Come get us, Straw Hat Luffy, if you dare!" challenged the disguised Usopp.

"Nami-swan! Robin-chwan!" hollered an oh-so-familiar voice.

"Sanji-kun?" asked Nami disbelievingly.

"Let them go, assholes!" shouted Sanji. The blonde cook then began to kick the crap out of the two fake marines.

"Ah, well, you're all safe now. That's a relief" said Luffy. "I can finally go back to eating!"

"Nami-san! Robin-chan! Did they hurt you two? Are you all right?" asked Sanji, his visible eye a heart and his cigarette puffing out heart-shaped clouds of smoke.

"Just...fine" said Nami, concealing her anger quite eerily and resisting the urge to punch the pervert into the next millenium for ruining her plan to prove that Luffy loved her the most.

Sanji started to chant "mellorine". Nami's anger gauge was being pushed to its limits.

"Do you need me to walk you back to the Sunny?" asked Sanji, attempting to hold Nami's hand. The penny dropped.

WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP

Nami stood angrily over a semi-concious Sanji, panting and holding her throbbing fist dangerously. Apparently, a couple of her punches did more damage than Kuroobi's "Thousand Tile True Punch", Mr.2's "Bombardier Arabesque", or even Jyabura's "Jusshigan Gekkou" ever could.

Robin simply giggled at the greedy navigator's outburst, and Luffy went back to stuffing three fruit pies down his throat at once.

"Ah, Nami-san, you're so adorable when you're angry" mumbled Sanji. He had lots of bumps covering his head, a gap or four in his teeth, and blood coming from his mouth. However, this is Sanji that we're talking about, and he apparently never learns.

WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP WHAP

Okay, we can add Satori's "Impact Dial" and Pearl's "Pearl Present" to that list.

"Oi!" shouted Luffy with his mouth full. "You guys want anything to eat?"

"Luffy! Don't talk with your friggin' mouth full!" scolded Sanji.

At this, Robin literally put her foot down, on Sanji's back to be precise.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, kokku-san" said Robin, only half-meaning the apology.

"Luffy-kun, can you walk me back to the ship?" asked Robin.

"And me too?" asked Nami.

"Where are you guys going?" asked Zoro. "The goth guy said that the awards ceremony begins in ten minutes!"

"Oh, we have some special things to take care of" replied Robin, giving her mysterious smile.

The two girls walked with Luffy back to the Thousand Sunny, each holding an arm.

"Remember, onee-sama" hissed Nami behind Luffy's back literally. "You've got sundown to get away from _my_ man!"

"I'll take my chances and do whatever I want to" replied Robin cheekily.

Most of the pirates/marines on the island headed toward the building where the "goth guy" went to sleep last night. The insides of the building were basically arranged with a small stage that had a podium in the center, with hundreds of seats surrounding it and slowly rising, like a movie theather.

The Straw Hats assumed their reserved front-row seats, except for Luffy, Nami, and Robin.

"Where the hell are those three?" asked Zoro quietly.

"WHAT????!!!!!!" asked Franky very loudly and obnoxiously.

Usopp, who was sitting right next to Franky, yelped and dropped the box of popcorn that he was holding.

"Do you have to talk so freakin' loud?" asked Usopp.

"I wonder where they are" mumbled Brook.

"They said that they would be at the Thousand Sunny" said Zoro. "What the hell's keeping them?"

Meanwhile... on the Sunny...

The door to Robin's room was closed and presumably locked, with loud moans and groans coming out of it. Nami was waiting impatiently outside, pacing back and forth. Finally, her patience seemed to reach its limits, and she put her ear to the door.

"Mmm... you're quite good at this, Luffy-kun" said Robin huskily.

"Robin..." was all the rubber man had managed to get out before Nami heard Robin shushing him. Silence. Then moaning. More silence.

The door opened, causing Nami to fall inside and bump her head on the door's hinge.

"You done?" asked the navigator, rubbing the volleyball-sized bump on her head.

"Yep. All yours." replied Robin. "It appears that Luffy kun's very difficult to wear out."

"We'll see about that" said Nami cheekily

The door closed once again, only this time, it was Nami's turn to have a little fun.

Back to the awards ceremony...

"On second thought, I don't think I want to know" mumbled Zoro. All the other Straw Hats heard him, and agreed.

The ceremony then began, and the mysterious figure hosting last night's banquet appeared at the podium.

"Thank you, thank you" said the figure as some applause began. "Now, before we continue on with the awards ceremony, I'll bet some of you are wondering who's really in this robe. Well, you'll find out right now!"

The figure threw off his robe and took off the bandages, revealing himself to be dressed in a purple tuxedo with a blue bow tie, along with black-and-white pointed dress shoes and pearl-gray gloves. Underneath, he had chalk-white skin, slicked black hair with a green streak running through it, his eyes were small and beady, narrowed into a single line and giving off the impression of evil. The most disturbing feature about him, however, was that his mouth was contorted into what appeared to be a permanent smile.

"Call me... Uncle J."

End of Chapter 2

If you guys want me to add Vivi to the rivalry, let me know in the reviews.


	3. The woeful watergun

Disclaimer(Nami): RubberLotusShipper does not own One Piece. I wish I did, though... Then, I could rewrite the story so that I'm super-rich, and everybody owes me money, and I'd get a huge profit!

Me: Yeah, that's real nice... now get back in there!(Shoves Nami back into fanfiction)

A series of murmurs erupted through the audience at the revelation of the mysterious host's identity. "Uncle J" looked at the crowd of pirates and marines, waiting for them to stop talking.

"Wait! I've heard about this guy!" Usopp shouted to the rest of the crew. "He just showed up recently at Mariejoa a few days ago and attempted to bomb the place!" The World Government tried to cover up the incident, but Dragon and his revolutionaries managed to reveal the truth to the public!"

"I've heard about him too!" exclaimed Nami. "The World Government slapped a 185-million beli bounty on his head!"

"I could never forget that guy's face…" mumbled a marine that had attended the meeting at the place that day.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Flashback------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A figure in a black robe and hat attached what appeared to be a small purple sphere to the wall of that place where the council of kings was held.

Inside, while the council of kings continued to discuss the recent actions of the Straw Hat crew taking down Enies Lobby, two marines guarding the door were having their own little conversation.

"Hey, do you think that it's too quiet out there?" asked one marine.

"What are you talking about?" asked the second marine.

"Well, Arelin is usually getting bashed over the head by Yuki for smoking right about now, and that guy's loud as hell!"

"So what?"

"I'm not finished! Commander Karejois is usually hitting on other women by his post, and that's really close to this place!"

"You're just being paranoid!"

"Well, I'm going outside to check!"

"Have it your way!"

The marine carefully stepped outside, and saw the figure attaching another bomb to the wall.

"Hey, who the hell are you?!" shouted the marine.

The figure turned around, showing his chalk-white face and his leering grin, which was even larger then than it was now.

"What the hell are you doing, clown?!" yelled the marine.

"Not clown," said the figure, drawing a playing card with a joker on it. "Joker."

He flicked the playing card at the marine. It drew a drop of blood from his cheek and embedded itself into the wall behind him.

"S-stay back!" shouted the marine, pointing his rifle at the "clown'.

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe……

The second marine immediately heard the noises of battle outside and guns firing, and hearing his partner's voice, and decided to check up on him.

What he saw outside shocked him and would possibly scar him for life. The island was covered with marines and government agents – but they were all either lying down or sitting against a wall. What disturbed him the most, however, was the fact that they all had bulging, yellow, bloodshot eyes and their mouths contorted into unnaturally wide grins, and a small line of blood dribbled from their smiles.

"They all looked so sad, I just had to cheer them up a little" a voice came from behind the marine. The marine hastily turned around, cornered by the same figure that the first marine encountered.

"You did this?" asked the marine, baffled as to what exactly happened.

"Yep, and I'm about to do a whole lot more! In a couple of minutes, Mariejoa is going up in flames, with a REALLY. BIG. BANG."

"You - you're crazy!"

"Now, now, flattery will get you nowhere!"

The marine attempted to call for help, but Joker raised a gloved hand and clapped it over his mouth.

"See, nothing up my sleeve... and poof!"

A small toy snake suddenly sprang from Joker's sleeve, biting the marine on the arm. The marine yelped, apparently afraid of snakes, before he began to laugh uncontrollably, tears pouring down his face.

"I decided to be a bit more merciful on you. This liquid venom version of my Smilex will make you literally laugh to death in preisely four hours. Well, ta ta!"

"Where do you think you're going?"

Joker turned around, only to be cornered by about a hundred marines and government agents, all pointing rifles and/or swords at him, as well as some higher-ranking marines and even a member or two of the Five Elder Stars.

"Eh, he he he... How much of that did you hear?"

"Enough" came the short, brisk answer of one of the lieutenants.

"Always the talkative one", eh Inuzaki?

"Shut up! I won't ever forgive you for what you did!"

"Ah, your parents were sticks-in-the-mud anyways. You even said it yourself that you hated them!"

"That's enough." said one of the Five Elder Stars.

"Get him!" ordered a commodore.

The marines and government agents started firing like crazy at Joker, who jumped into the air to avoid death. He reached inside his robe and pulled out a handful of marbles and flung them at the government dogs, and the toys created large explosions which threw them off-guard. Suddenly, a couple of figures emerged from the smoke, and about a dozen marines suddenly went limp.

"You all right, boss?" asked one of the figures. As the smoke cleared, it was revealed to be a thin man in his late teens, wearing a pointed witch's hat that had long light blonde hair underneath it, an orange shirt with black sleeves that had its bottom part cut off, khaki jeans with a belt, and pointed black shoes. The man was holding a jack-o-lantern, and the orange part of his shirt had a jack-o-lantern face drawn on it, and his skin was an unhealthy-looking light gray color, covered in scars.

"Of course I'm okay! Now get them!" shouted Joker.

"Alright already! Don't blow a fuse!" said the other figure, revealed to be an obese-looking man in his mid-twenties. The man was bald, but wore a strange clown mask and a tight pink tank top. What was the most disturbing about him, however, was that he had no legs. Instead, where the man's legs were supposed to be, there was a metal platform attached to his body with a round ball beneath it, but not connected to the platform in any way.

The skinny man cov_e_red in scars transformed both hands into buzzsaws, while the obese one took out a short metal rod and pressed a button on it, causing a pole of red light to come out of both ends (think lightsaber).

Thirty seconds later...

The battlefield was covered with the corpses of government agents and marines, some with deep slashes on their bodies, some with nasty burns, and some with a death grin on their faces, or even all three.

"Got any more cannon fodder to help us with training, old man?" the thin man asked one of the Five Elder Stars.

"Hey, where'd that guy that I nailed with my snake go?" Joker suddenly wondered aloud.

"We carried him inside for medical treatment when you weren't looking" replied a marine colonel that came out of nowhere. Behind him was a massive army of colonels, lieutenants, and other high-ranking government agents/marines.

"Uh oh..." mumbled all three Jokerz at once.

"Now, tell us where you planted the bombs!" ordered one of the Five Elder Stars.

"Oh, they're somewhere in a box... set to spring in two minutes with a REALLY. BIG. POP." was the Joker's cheeky response, his tone turning from "over-friendly clown" to "vicious murderous psychopath".

"Speaking of popping..." he continued, throwing off his robe to reveal a tight black jumpsuit with a purple tint beneath it (exactly what he wore in _Return of the Joker) _and a jetpack attached to it.

"Come on boys! We're hightailing it out of here!" shouted Joker. The other two Jokerz also revealed jetpacks attached to their backs and flew off.

"Well, he got away, and he seemed to be sporting some sort of futuristic flight gadget with him" murmered one marine.

"Well, aren't you the observative one!" declared another marine, his voice dripping with sarcasm. After all, who couldn't see that?

"I've always heard rumors about somebody like this in Dragon's revolutionaries..." mumbled one of the Five Elder Stars. "If what that prisoner told me was correct, this man... he was also in Gol D. Rogers' crew!"

"Well, he's proven himself to be a big enough threat to the World Government, that's for sure" said another of the Five Elder Stars. "Perhaps even more so than Dragon himself!"

'Sir!" shouted a marine foot soldier. "We've managed to defuse most of the bombs, but there's a couple that are sealed tight and can't be removed!"

"I'm on it" said one of the vice-admirals.

Dashing with superhuman speed, the vice-admiral ripped the bombs from the walls in the blink of an eye and tossed them into the sky before they could even explode.

"No matter how many times I see that, I'm still amazed" said a young marine in awe, perhaps in his late twenties.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------End Flashback--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Yeah, yeah" interrupted Joker impatiently, waving a gloved hand. "I'm a big-time criminal, I'm on par with that Zolo guy or something. "Now, can we get a move-on?!"

"Hey!" shouted Zoro from the the seats. "My name's friggin' Zoro! Not Zolo!"

"Whatever!" shouted Joker. "Anyway, the ceremony will be divided into ten parts: Coolest Swordsman; Most Badass Character; Biggest Douchebag; Hottest Female; Coolest Devil Fruit Power; Worst 4Kids Edit(Singular); Worst 4Kids Edit(General); Most Badass Villain; Funniest Character; and Coolest Weapon(No, ships don't count). Now, let's get started!"

A slide projector way in the back suddenly projected an enormous poll on a tarp.

The choices for coolest swordsman are:

Roronoa Zoro

Juraquille "Hawk Eyes" Mihawk

Red-Haired Shanks

Kaku

Other

Next, several clips were displayed, showing each swordsman's capabilities. These scenes included: A portion of the Zoro vs. Mr. 1 fight, a clip of Mihawk sinking Krieg's warships, Shanks clashing with Whitebeard, and a portion of the Zoro vs. Kaku fight.

"Vote now, everybody! But, before you do, I have here the president of FUNimation, the company that rescued you all from the clutches of 4Kids, say hello to Gen Fukunaga!" announced Joker through a microphone. He then got off the stage, as a Japanese man in a business suit walked up to the podium.

"Hello, I would like to thank you all for attending this ceremony hosted by me and Joker" began the man as Joker snuck up behind him and held a large sign saying "BUT MOSTLY JOKER!"

"Now, in conjunction with the uncut DVD sales, FUNimation will be distributing a new, less-edited One Piece. We're sorry to say that we can't go back and re-dub the 143 episodes that 4Kids dubbed previously yet, because VIZ media hasn't given up the rights to them yet."

"However, what we can promise is some blood in the action scenes, keeping the original music intact, not do pointless name or dialouge changes, and restore some of the previous edits, such as name changes."

"Where are those three?" whispered Zoro. "They should really be here to hear this".

"How about me and Sanji go look for them?" asked Usopp.

"Alright, but hurry! I'd like more people to vote for me in the coolest swordsman poll!"

"You are so selfish!" retorted Usopp, before setting off with Sanji.

When they arrived on the Sunny, Sanji began calling "Nami-san" and "Robin-chan" all over the place, but neither of the two showed up.

"You know, we're looking for Luffy too" Usopp said to the blonde cook.

"Yeah yeah, whatever. That moron could punch a thousand marines out of his way without breaking a sweat. He'll be fine. Nami-san and Robin-chan on the other hand, are delicate and gentle, and as a gentleman, it is my duty to- Hey! Where'd you go, crap-sniper?!"

"Shhhhhh... Listen" said Usopp, pressing his ear against the door of Robin's room. Inside, soft snoring could be heard.

"Nami-swan! Robin-chw... mmmppphhhhh!"

"Are you insane?" asked Usopp, pressing a hand to Sanji's mouth. "You know what Nami does when she has her beauty sleep interrupted!"

"It doesn't matter" said Sanji curtly. "The door's locked."

"Good thing I always keep this hand" said Usopp, taking a hairpin out of his overalls' pocket.

"Did you steal that from..." said Sanji, his temper rising but keeping his voice eerily calm.

"What? Hell no. Robin gave this to me."

Usopp slipped the thin piece of wire into the doorknob's keyhole and slowly picked the lock. After all, one wrong move could trigger an unwanted noise and wake the girls up. If it was only Robin, he'd have nothing to be scared of, as the archaeologist seemed to take every one of the crew's antics as a joke. However, waking up Nami meant swift beatings, followed by lots and lots of chores, followed by an extremely large fine with a a ridiculous interest amount.

"Alright, we're in" sighed the curly-haired boy in relief when he heard the faint sound of the lock's mechanics slide out of place.

The two male crewmates slipped into the room, careful to walk their quietest with their shoes on, as if the place was a minefield instead of a bedroom. When the two saw the only two female crewmates on the ship in bed together, naked no less, they were shocked, to put it midly, but when their brains registered that Luffy was in-between the two, Sanji almost cried out loud, until Usopp clapped a hand over his mouth.

However, since Usopp rushed at Sanji while doing so, it threw both men off-balance, and they toppled into a shelf attached to the wall, sending several books flying in all directions. With their superhuman speed, both men collected the books in midair before they could touch the ground, all except for a moderately thick history tome, which fell toward the bed. As soon as both men looked at the collection of history steadily falling onto what appeared to be Nami's legs from the outline on the blanket, they knew that their fates were sealed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Slow-Motion-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" was the only sound that came from the cook and the sniper as the tome fell toward Nami's legs. Even though the tome was falling steadily fast, it appeared as an eternity to the two men, almost as if the book was mocking them, telling them that its slowness was only an illusion and that they were already too late.

After the eternity, the book landed on Nami's legs and opened itself with a sickening THUD. Though it probably couldn't be heard from the island, and it probably did little to no damage, the noise seemed almost deafening to Usopp and Sanji, and it felt like an atomic bomb had been dropped on each of them.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Regular Speed----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Man, what the hell just happened?" asked Usopp. "It seemed like everything was slower".

"I don't know, and frankly, I don't care!" retorted Sanji. "We woke up Nami-san, and all you can think about is that?!"

"Please! You've probably been wanting to sneak in her room since you joined this crew!"

"Don't mess with me, crap-sniper" said Sanji, his teeth clenched so tightly that his cigarette was being cut in half like Mr.1's body when he was hit by Zoro's "Shishi Sonson" attack.

"Ahem" said a calm but very angry-sounding voice behind the quarreling crewmates.

Usopp's face immediately froze in fear, knowing instantly who the voice belonged to. Sanji, on the other hand, had his visible eye turned into a heart as he foolishly and hopelessly wandered into the lion (or, in this case, lioness)'s den.

"Hai, Nami-swan!" shouted the cook.

"What... are... you... two... idiots... doing... here?" Nami asked angrily, her rage straining her words and completely clothed.

"Um, I accidentally left-" Usopp started.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" roared the fiery-headed female in anger, turning into an enormous, twenty foot tall monster with blazing eyes in the process.

"I'LL TELL YOU TWO MORONS WHAT YOU WERE DOING!!!!!!!!" shouted Nami, her voice becoming distorted like that of the Devil. Even though it was all in Usopp's imagination, he couldn't help but think that even the Devil wasn't as scary as the sight in front of him(though he did come close).

"YOU WERE DISTURBING ME AND ROBIN'S BEAUTY SLEEP AND INVADING OUR PRIVACY! AND, SINCE YOU TWO IDIOTS FOUND LUFFY-KUN IN OUR BED, YOU WILL NOT BREATHE A WORD ABOUT IT, UNLESS YOU WANT TO DO BACKBREAKING LABOR UNTIL THE END OF TIME!

"B-but Nami-san..." whimpered a heartbroken Sanji with a tear in his eye.

"BUT NOTHING! IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME AND ROBIN BEING ATTRACTED TO LUFFY, THEN DON'T GO SNEAKING INTO OUR ROOMS AGAIN!"

"Hey, what's going on?" mumbled Luffy groggily, woken up by Nami and Robin's shifting in the bed.

"Nothing, Luffy-kun" smiled Nami, putting on a fake smile that gave an image of sweetness capable of fooling even Zoro and deserving of an Oscar(which probably doesn't exist on the Grand Line, but you get my point).

"Man, how long were we asleep?" asked Luffy, still just waking up.

"Perhaps half an hour or so, Luffy-kun," said Robin, still holding Luffy's arms enticingly. You can probably guess what happened next, so I'll skip that part.

"Oh my god!" shouted both Usopp and Sanji as they saw Luffy's nude form kissing Robin passionately, with Nami cuddling him.

"Luffy! At least put on some clothes!" both crewmates shouted in unison.

Nami shot both of them a deadly glance, which was more than enough to make them leave immediately. After the two girls and their captain got dressed, they went to the ceremony as well.

"Where the hell were you guys?" demanded Zoro when Nami, Robin, and Luffy arrived.

"None of your business" replied Nami. "Are we too late?"

"I hope not! All the food would be gone by then!" exclaimed Luffy. "It's not, is it?"

"No, you're just in time to vote for ME in the coolest swordsman poll" replied Zoro. Was food all this guy thought about? Of course.

About 2 minutes after everybody had voted...

"Well, we've tallied all of the votes, and we'll announce the winner at the very end" said Joker. "Now then, let's move on to the next category!"

The slide projector projected a different poll onto the tarp.

The choices for most badass character are:

Luffy(When he's mad)

Zoro

Sanji(When he's mad)

Rob Lucci

Crocodile

Wiper

Monster Chopper

Mihawk

Ace

Blackbeard

Other

Clips that were displayed included: Luffy and Lucci's fight; Wiper fighting Shura, Luffy, and Eneru; Crocodile and Luffy's fight(a small clip from all three of them); Ace and Blackbeard's fight; Monster Chopper storming Enies Lobby; Sanji owning Kuroobi and Jyabura; and the fight between Mihawk and Zoro.

10 minutes later...

"Well, we're done with that category" said Joker. "Now then, for the biggest douchebag award!"

The choices for biggest douchebag are:

Wapol

Arlong

Crocodile

Spandam

Other

Clips included: Wapol's tyrranical reign over Drum Kingdom, Arlong shooting Bellemere, Crocodile mocking Vivi and dropping her off the palace wall, and Spandam abusing Robin on the path to the Bridge of Hesitation.

Another 10 minutes later...

"Okay, before we move on to the next categories, Fukunaga-sama here would like to give you a sample of the theme song for the new dub!" Joker announced. This was probably the first time in his entire life that he used honorifics, and it would probably be his last.

However, just before the head of FUNimation could press the button that played the theme song, a sound like gunfire was heard, and Fukunaga slumped over the podium, a small spot of blood on his back.

A rupture of murmurs could be heard throughout the crowd, many wondering who fired the shot.

"AAAaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!" screamed Usopp and Chopper in fear. "There are assassins here to kill us all!"

"What the fuck was that?!" yelled Sanji and Zoro at the same time.

"Fukunaga!" shouted Joker, hunched over the Japanese man. "Is anyone here a doctor?"

"Doctor! Doctor!" screamed Chopper, running around in circles.

"You're the doctor!" shouted everybody on the crew, except Luffy and Robin.

"Er... right!" said Chopper in embarassment. He quickly hopped onto the stage.

"Never mind." said Joker. "I've diagnosed the situation, and we have BIG problems ahead of us. Tanuki, take the poor sucker to the infirimary and treat him."

"I'm not a tanuki!" shouted Chopper. He then morphed into his Heavy Point form and slung Fukunaga over his shoulder, and carried him to the infirmary.

"Well, what _BIG PROBLEMS _do we have ahead of us?" asked Zoro, not at all fazed.

"Whatever it is, I'm sure that we can handle it, right guys?" asked Luffy, his usual smile plastered on his face.

"Right!" confirmed Usopp, his knees shaking and his teeth chattering.

"Oh, it's far worse than you can imagine" said Joker, his face suddenly grim. The man has laughed in the face of the CP9, but this was no lauging matter.

He huddled close to the Straw Hats, then in a hoarse whisper, barely managed to get out

"_He was shot by... a water gun_"

End of Chapter 3

If you can't figure out what this means, you deserve a Gomu Gomu no Cannon right up your -, followed by being hit over the head repeatedly by a shovel and being tied to a chair, watching Care Bears, Barney, Teletubbies, and 4Kids-dubbed anime for twelve hours straight.

On another note, the ceremony thing won't be revisited until chapter nine or so, so feel free to vote in your reviews for which character you feel is the most deserving of each award in the three mentioned in this chaper.


	4. The musical mayhem

Disclaimer(Usopp): RubberLotusShipper does not own One Piece, Oda-san does, so says I, the grrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttttt ccccccccaaaaaaaapppppppppppppppppptttttttttttttttttttttt-

Me: Who the hell are you trying to be? Tony the Tiger? Get back in there! (Shoves Usopp into fanfiction).

Now, before we begin, I'd like to remind everybody to vote in the awards ceremony(for details, see chapter 3) and that in every poll, "other" can include Al Kahn! Now then, let's begin!

Several of the Straw Hats gasped at this, but Luffy, as usual, was clueless.

"So?" the rubber man asked stupidly.

"Moron!" shouted Joker, hitting Luffy over the head with a fair-sized yellow mallet that he pulled out of his tuxedo jacket. "It means that 4Kids isn't as dead as we thought!"

Almost as if on cue, a large blimp with "4Kids TV" flew over the island, making a lot of noise that attracted everyone in the theater.

"Ooooohhhhhh!!!!!! So cool!" exclaimed Luffy at the massive flying machine. He'd obviously never seen one.

"Attention, Joker Island! You are hereby ordered to hand over the One Piece cast right now, or we'll take them back ourselves for butch-dubbing! We originally dropped it because of our undeserved funds dropping, but we managed to torture VIZ media into handing over more money for our pointless edits and horrible VAs by making them watch our dubbed anime!" drawled a 4Kids employee in a bad southern accent through a megaphone.

"I knew it was too good to be true..." mumbled Usopp. "We'd never escape those $Kids bastards that easily!"

"I'm not going back to having attack names like Gum Gum Blast!" objected Luffy, nursing the fair-sized bump on his head. Even he was smart enough to realize the situation at hand.

"Well, what's your answer, you stoopid doo-doo heads?" drawled the 4Shit employee, whom I will refer to as Bob.

Every character converged together into a huddle, discussing whether or not to give in.

"No way in hell I'm going back to drinking juice!" exclaimed Zoro.

"If I have to tell one more joke... I'll sew my mouth shut!" shouted Mr.3 in anger.

"I'm never cooking anything sweet again if I have to suck on one more lollipop!" roared Sanji. "Except for you, Nami-swan!"

"I think I've got something that'll get our_ point_ across" said Joker, smiling deviously. "Oi, Mr. Dorry! Can you do us a teensy little favor?"

Dorry (the sword-wielding giant from the Little Garden arc) held up his sword (he was smithed a new one when he got on the island) and walked toward the blimp, rocking the island with each heavy step that he took.

"What in tarnation is that?!" drawled Bob.

"I think that he's one of the guys that we cut out so that we could get to Chopper faster!" said the guy driving the blimp, his words half-slurred by the lollipop that he was sucking.

"THIS IS FOR CUTTING OUT US' GIANTS HONOR IN YOUR IDIOTIC DUB!" screamed Dorry. Everyone covered their ears from the thundering noise.

Dorry thrust the tip of his sword into the blimp, popping it like a balloon and sending it flying all over the place. Finally the blimp stopped and landed, the 8 4Kids employees (plus Bob) sprawled out under the wreckage. Everybody on the island that had been featured (or cut) so far in the 4Kids dub crowded around them, glaring daggers. Some had murderous expressions on their faces, while others were reaching for their weapon(s).

"I call the meat in their arms!" declared Buggy, licking one of his daggers.

"I call the chance to gut that blond guy over there!" snarled Arlong.

"At least leave one or two bodies intact so that I can personally stuff their insides with wax!" shouted Mr.3.

"Y' know, actions speak louder that words" said Joker, reaching into his pocket and pulling out two present-day looking handguns.

"I concur" said Kuro, readying all ten blades of his Cat Paws.

"You insolent mortals shall feel the wrath of God!" declared Eneru, charging up several million volts of electricity in his left palm.

"Yum! Fried retards. My favorite" chuckled Wapol deviously, licking his lips.

However, before the group of extremely pissed-off pirates could brutally maul the hapless 4Kids employees, one of them pulled a small box out of his jacket and tossed it out in front of himself. The contraption rolled for about a foot before stopping.

Suddenly, a large loudspeaker emerged from the box, declaring in a loud voice: "Well, howdy doo?! We here at 4Kids will get to ya as soon as we finish fixing out lame puns machine! In the meantime, please enjoy this torturous cassette of our mish-mashed theme songs!"

Then, horrendously painful-to-hear music conjured by Satan emerged from the loudspeaker. No, that was an understatement.

"His name's Zolo, he's just like a samurai. And the L-A-D-Y, Nami's not shy. Usopp's doing his marksman thing" ---- "Magical flowers, digital power, rhythms and tunes, the sun and the moon"---- "It's time to D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DDDDDDddddddddddddduel!"

"Oh god!" screamed Usopp, dropping his slingshot.

"Make it stop!" screamed Buggy.

"You can't do this to god!" roared Eneru.

Luckily, the music had startled Joker enough to fire off one of his guns, instantly destroying the device.

"Now, where were w- HEY!" screamed Joker. The 4Kids employees were running like chickens with tails between legs across the island.

"C' mon! Let's go after them!" shouted Sanji, lighting a cigarette.

"No need" replied Joker. "We'll need to get ready for the inevitable invasion that's sure to follow".

"So we're just going to let them go?!" roared Zoro.

"What?! Hell no! You must be crazier than I am if you think that I'm just going to let them go!"

Not waiting for a reply, Joker snapped his fingers, summoning a group of his Jokerz. Besides the two that were with him when he attacked Mariejois, there was also a pair of twins in red tank tops and white shorts, both with red hair and white caps, as well as makeup, along with a bald, bulky-looking man with white makeup all over his body and a scowl on his face that was wearing a pair of black overalls with a red shirt underneath. The last of the group was the weirdest; a humanoid-looking dog... thing with grayish-brown fur and spots all over its body. The... thing was wearing a blue jacket, gray slacks, and had mechanical-looking arms.

"Slaughter them" Joker said, his voice sounding bored.

Half an hour later...

The mass hysteria occuring on the island made the Arabasta Revolution look like a slap fight between two nerds. Buggy was slicing up 4Kids employees by the dozens, Krieg was poisoning them with his newly-modified MH5 poison gas bomb, and Luffy mowed through them with such power and ferocity that it put his little rampage on Enies Lobby to shame.

"Santouryu... Oni Giri!" announced Zoro as he sliced up five 4Kids employees at once.

"Gomu Gomu no... Gattling Gun!" another dozen were sent flying into the air.

"Shark on Darts!" screamed Arlong, plowing through the money-hungry pencil pushers like a torpedo.

Another dozen planes hovered over the island, dropping off even more 4Kids employees.

"Blast them out of the sky!" commanded Joker. About two dozen of his men ran the planes through with modern-day machine guns.

By now, Usopp would normally be crawling around, hiding and trying to not get hit. However, the mass character editing done to him by 4Kids had fueled his rage toward them and hardened into bravery. The tactics used by him would be called barbaric, and that's putting it mildly. Brutally shooting 4Kids employees in the face with gunpowder pellets, kicking them in the crotch area, and even blatantly hitting them over the head with hammers surprised anybody that knew even half of his personality.

"Duh... send out the reeeinphorcemawnts!" said what appeared to be a hobo in a suit. Obviously, Kahn had hired the cheapest people that he could get, and "people" would be putting it mildly.

Another dozen planes dropped, sending out what appeared to be... duel monsters? The original series was finished (thank Eneru... I mean god!), but the crappy GX spinoff was still in 4Kids' hands(no offense to anyone who likes GX!), and that was enough to pull out every card in the game, since they might be "featured in future episodes".

"This is about to get fun" said Zoro, a devilish smirk on his face. He untied the bandana from his left arm and tied it on his head.

An Axe Raider snuck up behind Robin and attempted to take her from behind with his axe, but was treated to a surprise as four hands popped out of his back and wrapped around his chest and neck. Two more hands came out of the ground and grabbed both of his feet.

_Seis Fleur..._

To no avail the monster struggled, but had serverly underestimated the frail-looking woman's power, and was now about to pay the price.

_Clutch._

The attack snapped the monster's back in half, causing it to roar out in pain and shatter into a million tiny pieces.

A band of Hitosu-Me Giants surrounded Brook, who was drinking tea by a concession stand.

The giants were about to close in on Brook when suddenly...

_Hanauta Sanchou..._

The gentleman skeleton seemed to disappear before the giants' eyes. Each giant searched the surrounding area with their single eye, until...

_Yahuza Giri._

Blood suddenly spewed from the giants' chests, killing almost all of them instantly, one managed to hold out long enough to see a vague shape chatting with a blue-haired girl about ten feet away before collapsing, its single eyelid closing.

"So, are you single?" Brook asked Vivi, completely ignoring the giants that he had just slaughtered and the current situation around him.

A Harpy's Pet Dragon closed in on Crocodile, breathing streams of fire at him. However, to the dragon's surprise, Crocodile dispersed into a cloud of sand, re-materializing behind it.

Crocodile closed his right hand onto the dragon's neck, instantly draining it of all the fluids in its body and turning it into a dry, shriveled corpse.

"Oh, how I missed doing that while I was in Impel Down" laughed Crocodile, standing over the mummy dragon.

"Hissatsu Kayaku Boshi!" shouted Usopp, launching a gunpowder pellet from his slingshot at an Alligator's Sword. The pellet exploded into the monster's face, destroying it instantly. Usopp then picked up its cutlass and began running through the crowd of monsters, blindly swinging at them.

"Gomu Gomu no Pistol!" shouted Luffy, shooting a punch at a Dark Magician. However, before the punch connected, Dark Magician waved its scepter, causing four giant silk hats to appear. One concealed the monster, while three more landed around it and began spinning rapidly.

"No problem!" declared Luffy. "Gomu Gomu no Gattling Gun!"

Unfortunately, one of the hats also concealed a Mirror Force trap card, causing Luffy's barrage of punches to be reflected when he hit that specific hat. Luffy was sent flying backwards from the impact his own attack.

"Guess I don't know my own strength!" said Luffy, grinning like an idiot.

Meanwhile, on the roof of the theater where the awards ceremony was held...

"AAaahhhhh..." sighed Joker contently. "Mindless violence, 4Kids bashing... you know what's missing?"

"The re-execution of Al Kahn?" asked a guy who looked like a normal thug.

"Well that, and music!" declared Joker. He then flipped a switch, causing one of his favorite songs to play: _The Joker and the Thief, _by Wolfmother. (I don't own this song either!)

The ensuing chaos below, mixed with the music, made it seem like an AMV.

"Bara Bara Festival!" announced Buggy as he split his entire body into tiny chunks and mercilessly battered a King's Knight to the tune of the song's electric guitar & keyboard opening while Miss. Doublefinger was brutally impaling two Dragon Pipers at once.

Even Vivi joined the fight as she managed to create a fatal wound on a Mystic Horseman with her peacock slashers while the drums joined the chorus.

"This is my favorite part!" Joker announced as he threw his arms into the air as the song began.

_I said the Joker is a wanted man_

_Who makes his way all across the land_

_See him sifting through the sand_

Shanks easily jumped into the air and seized a Red-Eyes Black Dragon by its skinny neck, then slammed it to the ground, fatally breaking its neck in the process (I know that Shanks isn't one to use lethal force, but since none of the Duel Monsters are actually real, it doesn't matter).

_So I'll tell you of a story about the Joker and the thief of the night..._

About thirty feet to the west, Hachi was fighting six Maruading Captains at once with his Rokutouryu. Seizing an opening, the octopus fish-man spat a jet of pitch-black ink into the face of one of the knights and immediately sliced its head off.

_He's always laughing in the midst of power_

_Always living in the finer hour_

_There's always sweet in sour_

"Reception!" Sanji announced as he slammed the head of a Celtic Guardian into the ground with his foot, using such force that it broke the monster's neck. Unbeknownst to anybody, he was using his disappointment of Luffy getting both girls on the crew to fuel his rage and power.

_And a-we_

"Ouch Finger!" annouced Franky as his left index finger bended inwards and swung open. Franky then fired five shots from the "pistol finger" at the torso of a Berfomet, giving it fatal wounds and causing it to shatter into a million tiny pieces.

_Are not_

Aokiji, sleeping as always, was, as he put it later, "rudely interrupted" by a Swordstalker. Just as the fiend's sword connected with the Blue Pheasant's body, the particular spot that he had been aiming for became a patch of ice. The sword froze, as did the monster, in a matter of seconds, the last thing that the dark swordsman hearing being the words "Ice Time".

_Going Home_

"Nose Fancy Cannon!" shouted Mr.5 as he flicked an explosive booger at a Judge Man. The small but disgusting body extension created a ridiculously large explosion.

_Can you see the Joker flying over?_

_As she's standing in the field of clover?_

_Watching out, everyday_

_I wonder what would happen if he took her away_

Joker, having decided to join in on the fun, jumped off the roof of the theater, landing on both of his feet skillfully. Not a minute too late, a Pendulum Machine came up to harass him.

_When you see well you might not know_

Joker spun around and melted the brute with a shot of acid squirted from the flower on his lapel, purposely leaving it to dissolve completely.

_You get the feeling coming after the glow_

Zoro, meanwhile, was having a little trouble with a Manga Ryu-Ran. The toon dragon was easily dodging every one of his attacks.

_The vagabond is moving slow_

"Godammit! Hold still!" shouted the swordsman frustratingly.

Miraculously, a shout of "Noro Noro Beam!" froze the dragon in place long enough for Zoro to kill it with his "Ushibari" technique.

"Phephephephephephephephephe! So, a 120-million beli bounty has trouble holding down a dragon that's barely hatched?" the DBF master mocked.

_So I'll tell y'all the story_

_About the Joker and the thief of the night_

Before Zoro could counter or even offer a cold scoff, a Dark Rabbit punched Foxy in the cheek, sending him flying.

Zoro smirked. The god of karma may work in strange ways, and he may not even believe in god or gods to begin with, but who was he to complain when justice was served to rightfully?

_All the people that he see in the night_

"Enjoying the action, Takanome?" inquired Shanks.

"They don't bother me, I don't bother them." was the cold reply that came from Mihawk.

_Hold their dreams up to the light_

"And if one were to bother you?" asked the red-haired pirate, pointing to a Magician of Black Chaos, who was waving his scepter to create a polmeryzation card that fused three Blue-Eyes White Dragons together.

_The old beast is searching for sight_

The Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon roared at the two swordsman fiercely. Mihawk ignored it and took another swig of the sake in his mug.

The dragon roared again, still not inciting any fear in either of the swordsmen.

Each of the heads fired a beam of white lightning from its mouth, the side heads firing into the beam of the central head to create a massive column of white lightining. Shanks and Mihawk merely turned their backs on the beast.

_And-a we _

In the blink of an eye, Shanks drew out his saber while Mihawk removed Kokutou Yoru **(1)** from his back.

_Are not_

The swordsmen crossed the blades of their swords in front of their supposed impending doom. The lightning column crashed into the blades, but neither sword nor swordsman gave way.

_Going Home_

The blades suddenly swiped backwards, sending the column of lightning crashing back into the dragon and obliterating it. Neither swordsman seemed to break a sweat, and continued drinking.

_Can you see the Joker flying over?_

"Shine!" roared Joker as he fired a pistol with an overlarge barrel into the face of a Berserk Gorilla. **(2)**

_As she's standing in the field of clover?_

"Gomen nasai!(**3)**" apologised Tashigi as she stumbled into a figure. She put her glasses on to get a better look at the figure, which turned out to be a Jack's Knight that was swinging his blade at her.

_Watching out, everyday_

Tashigi quickly brought about her katana, Shigure**(4) **and blocked the strike, then retaliated with her own attack: Kusabana Kaze** (5)**, cutting the Jack's Knight in half.

_I wonder what would happen if he took her away?_(Musical interlude starts here)

While all the chaos was happening on the island, Nami and Robin found themselves backed up against Luffy. When they found the man of their dreams right behind them, both girls blushed, and in the process, accidentally fell down.

Nami closed her eyes and waited for what happened in all romance novels that she read, as did Robin. Luffy's blank face made them slightly disappointed... until Luffy wrapped a rubber arm around each of his precious girls and kissed them each, on the cheek, then on the lips. Both girls had their fantasies fufilled, but they were furiously blushing. Suddenly, they realized that somebody was looking at them...

"Less kissing, more ass-kicking!" reminded Zoro, fighting with an Elemental Hero Neos nearby.

Nami nodded, using the "thunder pole" section of her Perfect Clima-Tact to electrocute an Elemental Hero Avian nearby.

Luffy, meanwhile, was confronted with a Big Shield Gardna, which he destroyed with a "Gomu Gomu no Cannon".

A Gilford the Lightning, meanwhile, grabbed Brook by the collar and was about to cut his afro out.

"Let go of me!" screamed Brook, legs haplessly dangling in the air. Suddenly, his voice turned icily calm as he stopped struggling.

"I once made a promise..."

The duel monster looked at the gentleman skeleton in confusion as he went on.

"to the great whale Laboon to return..."

"It's been fifty years now... and this afro is the only thing that he'll recognize me by!"

"I wouldn't blame him if he never forgave me... but I sure as hell am not going to give up without trying!"

Suddenly, Brook's skeletal legs swung up with amazing flexibility and kicked the monster in the head, causing it to drop him. Brook then picked up his cane sword and brutally slashed the monster into a thousand pieces.

Brook adjusted his top hat, dusted his collar, and walked off.

(Music interlude ends here)

_I said the Joker is a wanted man_

_That makes his way all across the land_

_See him sifting through the sand_

_So I'll tell y'all a story about the Joker and the thief_

_I said, I'll tell y'all a story about the Joker and the thief_

_I said I'll... tell y'all a story about the Joker and the thief..._

_... of the night._

(Song Ends)

Almost as if on cue, a huge shadow loomed over the island as a gigantic jet landed. Star-wars esque music started playing as the door opened, and air came hissing from the walkway.

"You!" Joker shouted.

End of Chapter 4

**(1) Kokutou Yoru is the "official" name of Mihawk's Black Sword.**

**(2) This "shine" means "die!" in Japanese.**

**(3) If you don't know already, "gomen nasai" means "I'm sorry".**

**(4) "Shigure" means "Autumn Rain", and it's the katana that Tashigi carries around with her.**

**(5) I made this attack up; "Kusabana Kaze" means "Flower Wind".**

I apologize deeply for the long wait for updating. P.S: If you figure out what kind of pattern I'm using for the titles, you'll figure out how many chapters this fanfic is supposed to have.


	5. The anticipated antagonist

Disclaimer(Sanji): Nami-swan owns One Piece!

Me: (Slaps forehead) if you're going to do the disclaimer, do it right!

Sanji: Alright, fine! RubberLotusShipper does not own One Piece (under breath) Nami-san should, though.

Me: (Sighs) close enough.

Now, before we begin, I'd like to remind everybody to vote in the awards ceremony (for details, see chapter 3), and that in every poll, "other" can include Al Kahn! Now, let's begin!

The silhouette that appeared in the doorway of the plane would be all-too familiar to any anime fan. It was what Oda dreamt in his scariest nightmares. It was the fear of some One Piece fans, and the hatred of most. It was...

AL KAHN!

Everybody stood still for a minute, well, almost everybody.

"KKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the voice of an all-too familiar dense rubberman.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Luffy shouted, rushing at Kahn with stretched-out arms trailing behind him in preparation for his "Gomu Gomu no Bazooka" attack.

Before the silhouette even stepped off the plane, he whipped something out in front of himself...

"What's that bastard thinking? No shield can stand up to our baka of a captain!" shouted Sanji.

"I'm just surprised nobody else has jumped him yet" stated Nami.

"Gomu Gomu no Bazooka!"

"Reversing Mirror!"

Luffy retracted his arms and thrust them out with both palms flat and headed toward Kahn, fully expecting his attack to break the shield. However, just as his palms collided with the mirror, he was sent flying backwards a couple dozen feet, a large depression on his stomach.

"Gah! What the hell was that?!" asked Luffy, stunned.

"Nani?!" screamed about a dozen or three people in the crowd.

Kahn stepped out of the shadows, the Star Wars music reaching a swell.

Meanwhile, hidden in the shadow of the plane...

"Hee hee! they'll never know where this cliche' music is coming from!" giggled a hobo.

"Yeah, and once Kahn-sama takes back the One Piece dub, we'll be wailing on those Straw Hat bastards extra hard!" giggled another.

"Hey, what's 'sama' mean?" asked the first hobo.

"I got no idea!" Both hobos began laughing like the idiotic bastards that they were.

Suddenly, a new shadow joined the two hobos. The hobos continued laughing until they looked up, and saw Joker, wearing a black flat-top hat, a black trench coat that covered much of his tuxedo, and weilding a wooden staff with a shiny metal orb on it, about twice the size of a marble.

"Helllloooooooo" Joker said in his usual over-friendly tone, giving off a classic demented grin. "I heard you two laughing.. and" he picked up one of the hobos by the collar, the playful mirth in his eyes hardened into rage and sadism suddenly, and the tone of his voice changed drastically "I just had to find out what was so funny!"

"Ummmm, buy our Chopper dolls?" the hobo stammered. After all, that's probably all he was taught by Al Kahn. Joker's voice suddenly changed back into his over-friendly tone.

"Oooooh!" he exclaimed like a small child. "Any special features?"

"Uuuhhh... the ability to spout funny jokes(4Kids code for "horrible puns") till your sides split?"

"Oooooh! I love side-splitters! But..." Joker's voice turned sinister again, and sadism filled his eyes once again.

"I enjoy skull-splitters even more!"

Without waiting for a reply, Joker hit the hobo over the head with his staff, bashing the man's cranium with the metal orb on the staff. He continued doing so until the man's skull split, and blood was pouring out of the wound, laughing madly all the while.

The other hobo was stunned by the Joker's insane actions, and noticing the man's hesitation, Joker took advantage of it.

"Well. isn't that something!" he exclaimed with child-like mirth. "He tried to sell me side-splitters, and I gave him a skull-splitter instead!" He turned his long, vaguely triangular head sideways until it looked like his neck was growing out of the side of his face, adding to his level of disturbance.

"Makes you want to laugh, doesn't it?" he asked the hobo, who was frozen in fear.

Joker grabbed the man by the collar, slammed him against the wall of Kahn's jet, and began laughing madly. The shadows on the wall depicted Joker taking something out of his clothes and thrusting it into the man. What he really did, we'll never know.

Back to Kahn and Luffy...

"Wimp." Buggy mocked. "I could beat him up without breaking a sweat!"

"Get in line!" declared Mr.3.

"You won't be doing anything until I get a shot at him!" declared Sanji.

The crowd began arguing amongst themselves, as the Star Wars music played on, until...

"For the love of god who I don't respect, will you stop that!" screamed Joker, stepping out of the shadow of the jet. Without waiting for an answer, he took a plain-looking but large black gun out of his jacket and aimed the overlarge, orange-rimmed barrel at a 4Kids employee who was holding a boom box playing the music. For some reason, no one had noticed him.

"Hey, calm down man! I'm just doing what I do!" whimpered the 4Kids employee.

"Watashi mo" the Joker said, smiling.**(1)**

He pulled the trigger once, causing a metal pole three-quarters of a foot long to pop out of the muzzle with a "party popper" sound. The pole had a "BANG!" flag on it.

"Is this your idea of a joke?" demanded Zeff.

"No, this is!" Joker said. He pulled the trigger a second time, causing the metal pole to be shot forward and pierce the 4Kids empolyee's heart with such velocity that he was pushed straight into Al Kahn's plane and bounced off of it slightly, his corpse now dropping to the ground. A line of blood ran from his mouth, and his zombified laughter broke the silence of the crowd staring at the harlequin of hate.

"Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Now that that's out of the way..." said Joker.

"Tora Gari!" announced Zoro, holding two swords in his hands parallel to each other and perpendicular to the one in his mouth. He jumped into the air and swung the swords in his hands forward.

"Mutton Shot!" announced Sanji, running toward Kahn and delivering an uber-powerful back kick.

"Desert Spada!" Crocodile said in a monotone voice. He turned his right hand into a blade of sand and launched it at Kahn.

"Bara Bara Senbei!" shouted Buggy, revealing the blades in his shoes. He detached his entire lower body and started spinning it at high speeds, then sent it flying towards Kahn.

"Golden Tiger Claws!" announced Kahn. A guantlet with three sharp golden blades suddenly appeared on his hand. Kahn scratched at the air, creating a portal that he jumped into to evade all the attacks.

Another portal reappeared behind the crowd, which Kahn jumped out of. He was wearing what appeared to be a cheap Darth Vader costume from a halloween store.

"Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I'm guessing that you stupid pee-pee heads haven't heard the news."

"What news?" asked Chopper, just coming out of the infirmary inside the theater. If you're wondering why it took him so long to get out here, he found a secret stash of candy near the infirmary.

"Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Chopper as he saw Kahn for the first time.

"Yes, scream at my almighty dubbing powers, you freak!" laughed Kahn.

"Wait a minute! You're the one who gave me that care bear voice and turned all of my 'points' into 'boosts'!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever" Kahn said dismissively. "Before we severed our ties with Kids WB!, we managed to steal almost all of the Shen-Gong-Wu from their hit series,_ Xiaolin Showdown_, in case something like this happened. Now, the playing field is a little more even! If you guys want to even have a ghost of a chance of getting us to keep your paws off of your show, then you must defeat all of our reinforcements and all of my subordinates first on 4Kids island!"

"Golden Tiger Claws!" announced Kahn, teleporting into the doorway of his jet. "Later!"

Kahn closed the doors of his jet and flew off.

"After him!" declared Buggy. Everyone on the island ran to the ship parking lot and boarded their own ships, or Joker's supplied boats for those who aren't pirates or marines.

After making sure that everybody was on a boat, Joker boarded a large, guady boat that looked like a floating casino, and that's probably what it was.

Once inside, Joker pressed a large button on the control panel inside the helmsroom and commanded "set portal for 4Kids Island".

A massive whirlpool appeared and began to expand, sucking all of the ships, even the moving ones and Eneru's Maxim, into it.

"Not again!" sobbed Nami.

"Wheee! This is fun!" laughed Luffy.

"Baka" commented Zoro and Sanji at the same time, holding on for dear life.

"Don't worry! This _super _ship can stand up to any whirlpool!" exclaimed Franky.

"That clown is so dead the next time that I see him" said Mihawk, onboard Shanks' ship because the red-haired pirate had "persuaded(forced)" him to come aboard.

"Aw, he seems like an okay guy!" said Shanks with a carefree tone.

Meanwhile, in a place far, far away...

An island three times as large as Joker Island (which was big to begin with) stood in a tranquil ocean, littered with super soakers, lollipops, and juice bottles that the fish were choking on. Undoubtedly, this was 4Kids Island.

The Thousand Sunny was the first ship to land in the ship parking lot (yes, 4Kids Island has one as well). The Straw Hats, even more shaken up now, sprawled out on the deck.

"I think that I'm going to hurl..." mumbled Usopp.

"Say, Chopper, why _were _you so late? You missed out on a lot of big fights!" said Sanji. "Wait a minute... is that chocolate around your mouth?!"

"Ummm, maybe?" Chopper stammered.

"So, while the rest of us were risking our lives out there, you were busy stuffing your mouth with sweets?!" screamed Usopp and Sanji at the same time.

"Guess what we're having for dinner tonight..." said Sanji, revenge gleaming in his eye.

Chopper screamed and 'hid' behind Luffy's leg.

"Luffy-kun, can we go ashore now?" asked Robin seductively, latching onto Luffy's arm. Nami scowled at this.

"What? Oh yeah!"

"Did you forget why we're even here?!" screamed Zoro.

Luffy racked his brain for the answer. It took approximately five seconds, causing the vein on Zoro's head to pop up.

"KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE SO DEAD FOR MAKING MY ATTACKS 'GUM-GUM!'" Luffy screamed without warning.

"Now I really wish that my ears didn't work anymore in this skeletal body" mumbled Brook.

"Easy for you to say! You haven't even been dubbed yet!" said Sanji.

"Come on, everybody!" shouted Luffy. He outstretched both arms to grab the side of the deck on the Thousand Sunny. Everybody loaded themselves onto Luffy's sling-like body, Nami and Robin huddling the closest to him.

"Remember, onee-sama, sunset" whispered Nami. Robin pretended to not hear.

"Hey, wouldn't it be easier to just-" Usopp started.

"Gomu Gomu no... Rocket!" shouted Luffy, retracting his arms and launching himself and the entire crew onto the island. Luckily, they didn'y crash into one of the many present-day looking skyscrapers on the island. Unfortunately, most of the island was concrete sidewalks and asphalt roads rather than grassy meadows and dirt paths, so the Straw Hats were cut up a little bit from landing on the rough terrain.

"I knew it... mumbled Usopp, covered in scrapes and a bruise or two.

"Let's go beat them up! I'm feeling extra super right now!" exclaimed Franky. He had landed entirely on his front, and therefore, was not cut up at all.

"Am I a real cut-up or what?" a voice asked from behind the Straw Hats. It was Joker, now dressed in his usual purple tuxedo.

"All these cuts are damaging my soft skin!" complained Nami, holding a couple of cuts on her hands.

"You shitty bastard! How dare you hurt Nami-san with your crazy whirlpools!" roared Sanji, leaping toward to aim a lethal kick at Joker.

Joker grabbed the foot in mid-air with an amused look on his face. "What about her?" he asked, pointing to Robin.

"And Robin-chwan too!" shouted Sanji, bringing about his other foot to kick some sense into the clown.

"Oooooooooooohh! You devil!" exclaimed Joker in mock surprise and disgust, pretending to dodge the second kick by accident.

Joker leaned in, his massive smile an inch or two away from Sanji's face.

"Get away from me!"

"If I guess correctly what the spawn of your loins looks like, do I win a kiss?"

BAM

Sanji's foot shattered Joker's teeth and sent him flying into a nearby building. A trail of blood dripped from his mouth.

"Naughty scotty!" scolded Joker, getting up and wiping the blood from his mouth and nose.

"Can we go beat the shit out of Kahn now?" asked Zoro.

"Well, duh!" spat Joker, his pupils spinning wildly in his gleaming, beady eyes. "What are you waiting for, an invitation?!"

"Ooh! Ooh! Teach me how to do that!" yelled Luffy, forgetting why they were here, again.

Zoro merely hit Luffy on the head, and the group of Straw Hats, plus Joker, marched on toward the biggest building in the center of the island: the headquarters of 4Kids.

Almost immediately, guards of 4Kids Island jumped the group. There were five pink care bears, four green ones, and six blue ones, plus four copies of the purple teletubby.

Six seconds later...

All of the care bears were beheaded, had all of their limbs torn off (courtesy of Joker) and had their hearts cut out - literally. Joker had sprayed two of the teletubby clones with his trademark laughing gas, while spraying the third with a stream of acid fired from the flower on his lapel, and the fourth one had been burned to ashes by Franky.

However, just as they crushed these weaklings, a new group of guards appeared. The group slaughtered their way through approximately two dozen bands of guards before reaching the double doors.

"Allow me" Joker said. "This has to be treated with the touch of a proper gentleman, or they'll never let us through".

Joker turned his head toward the door, took a deep breath, and yelled out:

"KKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN YOU BASTARD! YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO GET YOUR SORRY SKINNY WHITE ASS OUT HERE, OR YOU WON'T LIVE TO DUB ANIME ANOTHER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Without waiting for an answer, Joker took a bazooka out of his jacket via hammerspace and blasted the door off its hinges. No one really complained.

"Hello." said the lady at the reception desk. "Can I he-

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Hello, my name's Joker, also known as J-man, clown prince of crime, harlequin of hate, ace of knaves, mistah J, and puddin'. Oh, and if you use those last two, you'll get raped so badly, it won't even be funny" said Joker, wielding a smoking tommy-gun. The receptionist was crouching behind her desk petrified at the line of bullet holes embedded into the wall two feet above her.

"Uh, sir" she squeaked. "We don't allow guns here..."

"SHUT UP!!!!"

BANG!!!!!

"Well, that's taken care of!" said Joker.

"Did you have to do that?!" wailed Sanji.

Joker ignored the ero-cook and went into a random door. Luffy followed because "kitchen" was written above the door.

"Typical" murmered Zoro.

The rest of the Straw Hats went into seperate doors, except for Zoro, who was accompanied by Chopper so that he wouldn't get lost, and Nami, who went with Robin to have a "friendly chat".

With Joker and Luffy...

"...and that's how I pulled that bazooka out of my jacket" Joker finished.

"OOoooohhhhhh! So cool!" Luffy exclaimed. "Wanna join my crew?"

"Why?"

"Because you have white skin, green hair, and you can pull weapons out of nowhere!" the rubberman grinned. "But, you do need to work on that killing streak..."

"Hey, what's this?" asked Joker ignoring that last statement and pointing to a large crate. He blew the crate open with a bomb and looked inside.

"WTF?! What's this doing here?!" roared Joker, pulling out a plate of rice crackers.

"Hey, check out what else is in here! Shell gloves with claws on them, bazookas, a broken sword...saw...thingy, and a gun."

"Where's the meat?!" Luffy demanded.

"Hey, what's that over there?" asked Joker, pointing toward a large tank filled with something red.

"Oh boy! I'm thirsty!" Luffy cried as he dashed over to the tank. He swallowed all of the liquid with a few huge gulps.

"You realize that that's blood, right, Count Dracula?" Joker said in a mock Transylvanian accent.

Luffy's eyes went wide for two seconds. Then, he swallowed the whole thing.

"Mmm. tangy..."

"You've got guts, kid!" declared Joker proudly. "Hopefully, I won't eat them!"

"You swallowed blood?" asked a third voice, sounding suspiciously like a homeless teenage girl with a sore throat.

"Hey, the tank wasn't labled. Besides, I doubt that that would've stopped him..."

"Of course it wasn't labled! Kids don't read!"

Both heads turned around, coming face to face with a teen in a red vest, blue shorts, and a straw hat...

With Zoro and Chopper...

"I told you, it was this way!"

"How can it be this way?! I went this way and I ended up here again!"

"No, you went the opposite of all of the directions that I told you!"

"It's not like we're looking for anything specific!"

"That's no excuse to get hopelessly lost in here!"

"Just trust my instincts. Every good swordsman needs to rely on them!"

"I give up" Chopper sighed.

The two Straw Hats crashed into something, having been too enveloped in their argument to look where they were going. It turned out to be a shelf of all the liquor that 4Kids edited out, the shelf toppled toward the two, threatening to crush them.

Chopper screamed and rolled out of the way, while Zoro merely unsheathed Sandai Kitetsu and cut through the shelf and all of the liquor in one clean slash.

"Such a problem child" sighed Zoro. He had gotten the cursed katana a long time ago, yet it still cut through things without his permission occasionally, and this was the, what, third or fourth time that innocent liquor had suffered as a result?

"No use crying over spilled wine! Besides, power juice is better!" said a voice behind the two. It sounded remarkably like Zoro's but slightly higher-pitched.

"Yeah, and liquor is bad for you!" said a childish, care-bear like voice.

Zoro and Chopper turned around, and while Chopper had a look of shock on his face, Zoro's face twisted into a sadistic and satisfied smirk.

With Robin and Nami...

"Luffy likes me best, onee-_chan_" said Nami.

"Suuuureeee he does" replied Robin. Nami scowled.

"Why else would've he gone that far to save me from Arlong?"

"If I recall, you didn't even want him to save you."

"Neither did you at Enies Lobby!"

"If I recall, you hit him all time and insult him. You really think that he'll express interest in you now?" Nami scowled again.

"We've been looking all over for you, hon" drawled a southern accent.

"Yeah, where have birdbrains been?!" added a bitchy valley girl voice.

With Usopp...

"I can do this by myself... I can do this by myself..." the sniper assured himself, his teeth chattering and his knees quaking, his great slingshot Kabuto strapped onto his back.

Usopp eventually wandered into a room filled with amplifiers, CD players, sound booths, microphones, and a couple of computers. It didn't take a genius to figure out that this was the room where the openings, endings, BGMs, and voices were butchered.

Usopp couldn't resist and played around with the microphones, saying random phrases and pressing random buttons to alter his voice. Suddenly, he heard a noise in the room.

"Who's there?!" the sniper asked, readying his Kabuto.

No sound.

"Show yourself!" Usopp demanded as loudly as his fear would allow him.

"I'm the fearless captain Usopp!" came a voice that could barely be described as a leprechaun on crack that just breathed in helium and had a vocal cord transplant with a donkey.

With Sanji...

"Those shitty bastards will pay for giving me that crappy Brooklyn accent and taking away my cigarette!" Sanji stated to no one in particular. The corridor that he was in began to grow increasingly dark, and soon, the only thing that lighted the room was his cigarette.

After a few minutes, Sanji could hear faint breathing similar to his own, and he felt footsteps attempting to fall into his.

"Who the shitty hell's there?!" the sous-chef demanded.

The only thing that he heard was the SLAM of a door, and a heavy blow to his ribs that sent him flying into a wall.

"You're toast, and I'm the toaster" said a bad-sounding Brooklyn accent.

Meanwhile, outside the 4Kids hq...

All of the other ships fell from the sky, landing perfectly into the spaces of the ship parking lot.

"WTF?!" how did Straw Hat get here before us?!" screamed Buggy upon seeing Luffy's ship.

"Oi, Buggy! Haven't seen you in forever!" called a carefree voice.

"Shanks?! At last! My revenge is heading toward its destination!"

Unfortunately, this author... I mean god, had other plans, so a bolt of lightning struck Buggy, knocking him unconcious.

Meanwhile, on the top floor of the 4Kids hq, Al Kahn looked at the security panels featuring the Straw Hats with glee while petting a Chopper doll.

"Yes, my plan is coming to fruition! Bwahahahahaha!!!!!"

End of Chapter 5

**(1) Means "me too" in Japanese**

I didn't know where to place Brook and Franky in this chapter, since they haven't been dubbed yet. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Should I invent dubs for them, or should I simply let them run around the building, slaughtering care bears?

P.S: I can ensure that the next update will come within two-and-a-half weeks if anyone can guess what two sources I drew Joker killing the two hobos from. Hint: One is a Batman Movie, and the other is a novel by Robert Louis Stevenson.


	6. The evil empire

Disclaimer (Chopper): "RubberLotusShipper does not own One Piece, now leave me alone, you stupid humans!"

Me: Always a people person…

I took a long time to write this chapter, since I wanted the fights to seem good, and after a month of revising, they still seem like crap! I still urge my reviewers to vote in the awards ceremony (see chapter 3 for details), though! Start chapter!

Luffy and Joker stared at the figure: a mirror of Luffy himself, indentical yet so different.

"Mr. Kahn has ordered me to get rid of you doo-doo heads!" screeched dub Luffy in an earbleeding noise. Both Luffy and Joker covered their ears.

"God, at least get a throat lozenge!" retorted Joker.

"Gum Gum Blast!"

Joker easily grabbed the arm and flung dub Luffy into a wall. Dub Luffy emerged from the rubble with a few scratches, but nothing really serious.

"This is boring" Joker stated. "I'm going off exploring. Catch up when you're done, if you're alive!"

With that, Joker walked into a random door, throwing his head back and letting out a stream of hysterical, insane laughter.

"It's just you and me!" shouted dub Luffy to Luffy. "Gum Gum Rapid Fire!"

During the attack, dub Luffy was screaming for no reason, covering up the sounds of feet that were sneaking up behind Luffy...

Holding onto his hat, Luffy jumped out of the way of the outstretched punches and took his hat off.

"Here, hold onto this" he said, handing his treasure to someone standing by him without even looking.

"Gee, thanks, mister!"

"No problem!"

5 seconds later...

"Hey, wait a minute! Who the hell are you?!" Luffy looked at the person that he handed his hat to, who revealed herself to be a teenager holding a box of tissues. The girl was about to wipe her nose with the hat, until...

"Get your friggin' hands off of my treasure!" Luffy punched the girl (who was diagnosed with a cold and therefore, has a sore throat and a runny nose) in the face and got his hat back.

"You shouldn't say "friggin", and you shouldn't hit girls!" lectured dub Luffy.

"You're not the boss of me!" Luffy taunted childishly. "Gomu Gomu no..."

"Gum Gum..."

"Muchi/Whip!"

By chance, the rubber pirates each selected the same attack, causing their oustretched legs to entangle with each other. It took half a minute just to undo all of the knots.

"Gum Gum Spear!" dub Luffy announced as he placed his sandled feet heel to heel, shooting them out with outstretched legs.

Luffy tilted his head to the side and responded by rushing forward, an outstretched arm trailing behind him.

"Gomu Gomu no Bullet!"

Luffy punched dub Luffy in the gut as hard as he could, sending his counterpart flying into a wall. Not giving him a chance to recover, Luffy rushed forward and repeatedly punched dub Luffy in the face.

Dub Luffy, however, managed to catch Luffy in the stomach with an outstretched punch, sending Luffy flying into the air, dub Luffy's fist still embedded into his gut.

"Gum Gum Wave!"

Dub Luffy started twanging the end of his arm like a rubber band, causing his fist to ripple and connect multiple times with Luffy's body. When he was done, he retracted his arm, causing Luffy to fall to the ground.

"Now I'm really pissed off!" declared Luffy. "Gomu Gomu no Tsuchi!"

Luffy's oustretched arms coiled around each other, and his hands grabbed dub Luffy's sides. Then, Luffy uncoiled his arms and slammed dub Luffy into the ground hard.

Suddenly, dub Luffy reached up and grabbed Luffy's straw hat, threatening to tear it.

"Hey let go of my hat!" demanded Luffy.

"No way! I'm gonna tear it to show that lame puns, lollipops, and super soakers win over blood, dinosaurs, and whales any day!"

Now, if there's one thing that the original One Piece taught us, it's to not piss off Luffy, especially not by damaging his precious straw hat. As expected, Luffy's eye sockets became heavily shaded as a tiny tear formed on his straw hat as his treasure dropped to the ground.

"Aww, what's the matter?" taunted dub Luffy.

"You... you... you... BASTARD!" A fist flew into dub Luffy's face, knocking him backwards.

"Gomu Gomu no Stamp!" dub Luffy was knocked into the ground, the imprint of Luffy's sandal on his face.

"Gomu Gomu no... Bazooka!" Two palms suddenly smashed into dub Luffy's stomach, smashing him further into the concrete floor.

Actually fearing for his life now, dub Luffy barely managed to roll away from an outstretched hammer blow from Luffy that made a fairly deep hole in the concrete, but failed to dodge an outstretched arm heading for his face, firmly grabbing his head.

"Hey, let go of me!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!" roared Luffy. He swung his outstretched arm around like a string, heading straight for a wall with dub Luffy in tow.

BAM!

"This is for the jokes!"

SMASH!

"This is for the hat!"

CRASH!

"This is for the meat!"

WHAM!

Luffy kept swinging dub Luffy into the wall until the wall completely crumbled, then, he retracted his arm and kicked dub Luffy into the air with an outstretched leg, sending him crashing into the ceiling.

"Gomu Gomu no..." Luffy inflated his rubber body by taking in huge gulps of air, then twisted it into several coils, and proceeded to exhale all of the swallowed air straight at the ground, propelling him upwards to where dub Luffy was.

"STORM!!!!!!!"

Out came an attack from the rubberman that could not be described in words. Thousands, if not tens of thousands, of outstretched punches were sinking into dub Luffy's body, repeatedly punching every part that could be punched. The furious attack was pushing dub Luffy through the thick ceiling, but the punches just kept coming like the rounds of a machine gun firing, until.

"UUUUUAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

Luffy's one last punch, stronger than all the rest, pushed dub Luffy through the ceiling, sending him flying upwards at least a dozen floors. By the time he had reached floor 12A **(1)**, he had simply run out of speed and crashed into the ceiling, making a fair-sized imprint, and fell down, through the dozen holes that he had made when he was punched through all the other floors, and fell to the concrete ground where he and Luffy did battle with a loud THUD, creating a fairly large cloud of dust.

Luffy, having already landed and caught his breath, simply picked up his straw hat from the floor and walked away without saying a word, not even bothering to cast a glance at the beaten body of dub Luffy, resting in a large crater.

With Zoro and Chopper...

"I'm Roronoa Zolo, and I'm gonna be the world's greatest swordsman!" declared Zolo.

"Nani?! I'm going to be the world's greatest swordsman, and what kind of name is Zolo?" spat Zoro.

"Take this guy down, Zolo!" screeched dub Chopper with his care bear voice.

"It's your funeral!" sneered Zoro. He tied his bandana around his head and unsheathed all three swords: Wado Ichmonji** (2**), Sandai Kitetsu **(3)**, and Shuusui **(4)**. Zolo did the same, only with Yubashiri **(5) **in the place of Shuusui.

Zolo made the first move, rushing at Zoro with all three swords and screaming.

"I'm gonna take you down lower than Australia!" **(6)**

Zoro casually blocked all three blades with Shuusui, then swung the black blade at Zolo's stomach, even though the blade's reach was still not far enough.

"Itouryu - San-Jyuu-Roku... Pondo Hou!" **(7)**

A blue chi wave suddenly appeared, cutting into Zolo's stomach. Zolo screamed in pain as he was thrown backwards, a red wound appearing on his chest.

"Gaah! Blood?!"

"Of course! What the hell did you expect?! A rainbow and butterflies flying out?!"

"Well, yeah!"

Zoro scoffed. "If you can't stomach blood, you don't deserve to be called a swordsman! Santouryu... Oni Giri!"

The beer-drinking swordsman dashed forward, two swords intended to slash through Zolo's stomach. Zolo managed to fend off the two blades with his own, but failed to notice Wado Ichimonji biting into his shoulder.

Meanwhile, Chopper was watching the fight, mesmerized and not paying any attention to dub Chopper. That proved to be great mistake as dub Chopper morphed into Heavy Boost and punched Chopper in the face.

"Pay attention, freak!" demanded dub Chopper.

"You asshole!" Chopper morphed into Walk Point and charged dub Chopper. Dub Chopper gritted his teeth as Chopper's antlers grinded into his stomach.

"Heavy Gong!" declared Chopper, morphing into Heavy Point and throwing a punch at dub Chopper's face.

"Brain boost!" Dub Chopper became three feet tall again, evading the punch.

"What kind of cliche' name is Brain boost?!"

"Shut up, stink-head! Sprint Boost!" Dub Chopper's hind hooves sank into Chopper's face, kicking him in the eyes.

"Gaahhhh! You bastard!" Chopper, still in Heavy Point, began waving his huge arms around blindly. Though dub Chopper, having morphed back into Brain boost again, was quite agile, he eventually got hit and was sent flying.

Meanwhile...

Zolo swung Yubashiri at Zoro's back, but the strike was easily blocked by Sandai Kitetsu.

"Do you have no respect?!" roared Zoro. "A strike to the back is a swordsman's greatest dishonor!"

Not waiting for a response, Zoro rushed forward and brought both Sandai Kitetsu and Shuusui forward.

CLANG!

"You'll have to do better than that" sneered Zolo, blocking the strike with his own swords.

Zoro promptly grated Sandai Kitetsu against Zolo's Yubashiri, creating a trail of sparks, and swung the blade at Zolo's head. Zolo bent over backwards and barely dodged the attack, then flipped back on his feet and rushed toward Zoro, who did the same.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" the two swordsmen yelled at each other. Their six blades clashed with an ear-splitting sound that sounded like a bell, only 10 times louder. Such was the strength of the two swordsman that it sent a rippling wave of pressure from their blades.

Back to Chopper's fight...

"Rumble!" declared both reindeer doctors at the same time, holding a small yellow pill between their hooves. They both had a couple of bruises on their body, and spots of blood marked their brown fur. The two Choppers tossed the powerful drug into their mouths at the same time, their actions mirroring each other perfectly.

Chopper morphed into Arm Point and drew his muscled arm back, then thrust it out with a cry of "Kokutei Roseo!" **(8) **The attack scored a direct hit on dub Chopper, who recoiled and morphed into Horn Point, then charged Chopper into a wall with his massive antlers. Chopper countered by hitting dub Chopper in the snout with his Hoof Cross attack, sending dub Chopper flying the other way.

Zoro's fight...

Zolo pushed hard, but sadly (yeah, right), his strength was only up to the Alabasta arc. Sure enough, current manga Zoro easily pushed Zolo over and into a wall.

"Bull Charge!' declared Zolo, rising from the ruins and rushing at Zoro. He dashed through Zoro, seemingly performing only one strike but actually having performed dozens of lightning-quick stabs.

Unfortunately, a couple spots of blood weren't near enough to deter Zoro, but it was enough to piss him off.

"Enough games" the swordsman declared. He sheathed Sandai Kitetsu and Shuusui, and took Wado Ichimonji out of his mouth, holding his remaining sword in his left hand.

Zolo leaped high into the air and pointed Sandai Kitetsu and Yubashiri forward, heading toward Zoro.

"Itouryu..." Zoro drew the sword back.

"Have fun in the Shadow Realm!" taunted Zolo.

"Hiryuu Kaen!" **(9) **The image of a massive dragon appeared in the background as Zoro leapt right at Zolo.

Zolo didn't feel a thing immediately after Zoro had leapt at him, dodged the attack, and simultaneously slashed through his stomach, but as both men landed, Zolo's body suddenly burst into flames, and he lost conciousness.

"Baka" insulted Zoro. He sheathed the Wado and untied his bandana from his head, exposing his green hair once more.

Meanwhile, the two Choppers were trading blows evenly, even more spots of blood soaking their fur. Dub Chopper had somehow lured Chopper into another room, but it didn't seem to give either side an advantage. Chopper morphed into Jump Point to evade dub Chopper's "Reindeer Roundhouse", and responded with a swift flurry of kicks and punches to the face from his lengthened limbs.

Chopper prepared another attack, but several furry paws on his back surprised them, and he instinctively turned around, only to be confronted by several care bears brandishing .50 Caliber Desert Eagles painted bright colors to look less threatening.

"Care bears care!" the care bears chanted. They began to fire off a few warning shots.

"Care bears will shoot all those who don't care!"

"Gyyyyaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!" Chopper screamed as he ran away as fast as he could from the shower of bullets. Still in Jump Point, a plan formulated in his brain as he jumped high to avoid the shots. Chopper turned himself around in midair and landed in a handstand behind the group of care bears, and performed a sweep kick with his lengthened leg, knocking the guns out of the care bears' paws.

Chopper took this oppurtunity to beat up the care bears in less than 5 seconds, dub Chopper attempting to charge him in Horn Boost. Chopper leaped to the side in Brain Point and changed into Arm Point to hit Chopper in the foreleg.

Dub Chopper was knocked backwards, and Chopper took this chance prepare his final attack.

"Roseo Metel!" **(10)** Chopper placed his arms together wrist-to-wrist, hooves spread apart into a cross formation, then landed a flurry of blows toward dub Chopper, knocking his counterpart over and into unconciousness, multiple red hoofprints on his limp form.

"Whew!" sighed Chopper, morphing back into Brain Point. My Rumble Ball almost ran out!"

He returned to the room where Zoro was fighting, only to find Zoro drinking a bottle of beer that 4Kids edited out.

"Zoro! You shouldn't be drinking with those wounds!"

Zoro ignored the tiny doctor and drank the remaining contents of the bottle with a single gulp.

With Nami and Robin...

After the insults and the flaws of their dubs had been exchanged, the four girls were engaged in a fierce battle... well, in Robin's case, anyways. Nami's newly-modified Clima-Tact was easily overpowering dub Nami, but since Robin's powers were practically mirrored by dub Robin, the fight went on for a while.

"Cyclone Tempo/Tempest!" both Namis declared. Nami's, of course, was stronger, and sent dub Nami's flying back at her. Dub Nami was blown to the floor by the powerful bursts of wind.

Nami detached her Perfect Clima-Tact, holding the Thunder Pole and rapidly spinning it. A small ball of lightning came out of one end, which Nami swung at dub Nami. The lightning surged into dub Nami's chest, electrocuting her and nearly knocking her out. Dub Nami struggled to her feet and arranged her Clima-Tact into a "T" formation, for her one last desperate attack.

"Tornado Tempest!"

Two clockwork doves shot out of the parallel ends of the "T", wrapping around Nami's body. However, before dub Nami could execute the attack, Nami touched the metal rod with her Thunder Pole, electrocuting dub Nami once more and knocking her out.

"Ha! Log Pose beats Grand Compass any day!" Nami laughed.

Robin, meanwhile, had suffered a couple of twisted joints and bones, and lost a bit of blood, but nothing really serious.

"Ha! That all you got, hon?" dub Robin taunted.

"Seseta Fleur!"

Sixty arms rose up out of the ground and grabbed dub Robin's ankles, dragging her down on her back. The arms then enclosed around her body like a coffin, growing from all possible areas of her body.

"Sarcouphagus!"

All of the arms began to press inward on dub Robin's torso and back while painfully twisting her limbs, as the arms that sprouted near her head began to pound in her face. After a few minutes, all of the arms receded in a circle of flower petals, and dub Robin dropped to the ground, coughed up a gallon of blood, and fell unconcious.

Robin managed a weary grin, and the two girls continued on their way, debating on who Luffy liked more.

With Usopp...

Neither sniper could see his opponent due to their brilliant ideas of using smokescreens being executed at the same time. Currently, the two Usopps were blindly shooting into the smoke, demolishing the unlucky equipment in the area.

"Lead Star!" announced dub Usopp in that god-awful voice of his, launching a small black pellet from his slingshot into the smoke. The attack missed its target, but instead hit the control panel for the ceiling fans, blowing away all of the smoke. The rounds of projectiles came thick and fast from both sides, since both snipers was able to see his target clearly.

"Hissatsu Kayaku Boshi!" The gunpowder pellet barely missed dub Usopp and hit the wall behind him, creating a large explosion.

"Egg Star!"

"Hissatsu Kaen Boshi!" **(11)**

"Lead Star!"

"Hissatsu Tonkachi Boshi!" **(12)**

That last attack found its target, smashing dub Usopp's long nose in as well as knocking out a few of his teeth. Dub Usopp screamed, which sounded even worse than when he talked normally, and pulled out his five-ton hammer, charging at Usopp.

Usopp barely dodged the first swing, but dub Usopp brought the hammer back up and smashed it into Usopp's head, scoring a direct hit.

Usopp, who thought that he was dead already and that the pain was so unbearable that he went numb, almost fainted from the illusion of pain created by himself, until he remembered that since dub Usopp was a mirror of himself_, the five-ton hammer wasn't real_!. The long-nosed handyman stopped himself from going unconcious just in time.

"Ha! You think that that would deter the great captain Usopp?!" boasted Usopp, even though he was almost fooled by it. While in that state of shock, he had already begun to make out his mental will, which only further proved that he was not in the right state of mind. After all, why would he leave his goggles to_ Luffy_, of all people?

"You obviously don't know the strength of my 10,000 man army!" lied Usopp through his teeth without any remorse.

"Like heck!" screeched dub Usopp. "Exploding Star! Exploding Star! Exploding Star! Exploding Star!"

Because he was so busy lying, Usopp couldn't react to the shots in time, and his body was enveloped in four explosions. When Usopp's form emerged from the smoke, he had a few burn marks on his body, but he'd been through far worse. After all, how many kids his age could say truthfully that they lived through a four-ton bat slamming into their head?

Just then, a door opened, and out stepped... a couple of leprechauns smoking crack and a clown who was also smoking crack, riding on a donkey that just breathed in helium, had a stick jammed up its ass, and was kicking him in the balls? Wait, is Kahn writing this story?

Usopp was not so much deterred by this new group as he was amused. After all, a ten-year old could beat them!

"I-I-I-m gonna kn-kn-knock out yer teeth boyo!" stuttered one leprechaun, holding a tube of crack between his fingers.

"Yeah, sure you are!" Usopp rolled his eyes.

"Charge!" screamed the leprechaun. Four others ran at Usopp, who knocked aside the first three with his trusty hammer. However, the fourth jumped at him headfirst and gave the handyman a heatbutt to the stomach, knocking the wind out of him.

Staggering backwards, Usopp pulled out a flash dial from his bag and pressed the button on the apex, projecting a bright flash of light that blinded the leprechaun. Usopp then pulled out one of the sleeping drug pills that he & Chopper had been working on (from Special #2) and shot it into the leprechaun's mouth, putting the wee Scot to sleep.

Usopp removed Kabuto from his back, intending to strike the finishing blow to his dub counterpart and the clown & donkey.

"Hissatsu... firebirdo boshi!" A massive beam of fire taking the form of a phoenix came forth, knocking out dub Usopp and all of his supposed 'reinforcements'.

Usopp looked at a leprechaun's crack pipe for a few seconds, then decided 'nah' and went on his merry, drug-free way.

With Sanji...

"Bastard! Show yourself!" demanded Sanji. The corridor that he was fighting in was so dark that he couln't see anything, but dub Sanji had no such problems. What's more, dub Sanji apparently had reinforcements, because there was no way in hell that he could have inflicted by himself all of the bruises that were on Sanji's person currently.

"Leg o' Wham Drumstick Supreme!"

Sanji leapt to the side, feeling that he barely dodged the attack since he could feel its air current. Sanji leapt forward, landing on the outstretched leg, and jumped toward dub Sanji, landing a kick to dub Sanji's forehead and knocking him back.

"You jerk!" said dub Sanji in his nasal Brooklyn voice. Sanji landed in front of him, reading his next attack.

"Treachea Turnover/Collier!" The kicks, both aimed at the neck, crashed into each other.

"Clavicle Schnitzel Kick-Off/Epaule!" Both kicks came down on the two cooks' shoulders, pressing both of the down.

"BBQ Rib Buster/Cotelette!" Both Sanjis got into a handstand position and swung his left foot at his opponent's ribs. Once again, it ended in stalemate.

"Shish-Kabob Back Smasher/Selle!"

"Pulled Pork Pound/Poitrine!"

"Shish-Kabob Smash!/Gigot!"

That last attack nailed both chefs in the leg, knocking them off balance. Suddenly, something heavy came down on Sanji's back, knocking him flat onto the ground.

"Yah, we got him, don!" said a nasally gangster voice.

Sanji pushed himself back up with both arms, barely avoiding another blow. He could not see who was attacking him, but he aimed a kick at its estimated location anyway. It was a lost hope, and Sanji's foot came into contact with thin air.

"Enough of this!" declared Sanji. He ran in the opposite direction from dub Sanji a couple of meters, then started spinning rapidly in place like a top.

"DIABLE JAMBE!"** (13)**

One of Sanji's feet glowed red-hot as he lifted it from the ground. With the heated leg giving off light, he could see clearly who his opponent was, or rather, who his opponent**s were**.

There were six men, dressed in pinstripe suits like 1920s Chicago gangsters, half of them wielding tonfa (those weapons that Gin used) that looked like huge lollipops, and half wielding tommy guns. There was also a gigantic troll, a little over six feet tall, with rough gray skin, hair all over his body, a hunched back, and a big head filled with rotten teeth with an even bigger nose. The troll had dozens of chopsticks jammed into his nose and ears and wielded a huge dagger, and a disgusting odor could be smelled from all over his body.

Sanji jumped into the air and landed behind the troll, kicking him in the back. The troll screamed in pain, rolling on the ground as what felt like the fury of the devil burned, in the shape of a red-hot footprint, down to his bones while fire lit his body.

"Who else wants some?" asked Sanji, his single visible eye glowing with steady, controlled anger.

The gangsters stuttered, backing away from the seriously pissed-off chef.

BAM

"Come on, the only thing that I hate more than those who hurt women..." A gangster flew through the air, blood and teeth flying from his mouth.

WHAM

"Are picky eaters!" A red-hot foot sunk into the stomach of another gangster.

The screams and sound of blows landing coming from the corridor that afternoon sounded like the screams of prisoners of Hell...

With Franky and Brook...

The two Straw Hats had somehow met up, and, since the hallway that they were currently in lacked any other passages, were forced to travel together.

The two Straw Hats came to a door, which Franky punched down without a second thought. What lied behind the door, however, was not pretty...

"HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" screamed Franky.

"Inside voices! And watch your language!" scolded Brook, not paying attention to the monstrosity that stood before him. When he did see the creature, the ero-skeleton yelped in fear and ran for the doorway that Franky had just punched down.

Franky's huge hand grabbed Brook's collar, preventing him from running away.

Before Franky had uttered a word, Brook spoke. "Um, did I forget to mention that my spine had crumbled before my spirit found my body? So, if you want to see some backbone..."

ROAR!!!

"... eep"

End of Chapter 6

**(1) **Many buildings in the Western world lack 13th floors, and some substitute the unlucky numbers with figures such as 12A. Since 4Kids is so hell-bent on Americanizing everything...

**(2)** The sword that Zoro holds in his mouth. Means "straight road to harmony"

**(3)** The cursed sword that Zoro "bought" in Loguetown. Means "3rd Generation Demon Splitter"

**(4)** The sword that was given to Zoro by Ryuuma on Thriller Bark. Means "Clear Autumn Water"

**(5)** The sword that Zoro used before he aquired Shuusui. Means "Snow Run"

**(6)** A corny joke, as expected of 4Kids Zolo. "Down under" is a nickname for the land of kangaroos.

**(7)** Means "One Sword Style - Thirty-Six Pound Cannon"

**(8)** Means "Carving Hoof Sakura/Cherry Blossom"

**(9)** Means "Flying Dragon Blaze"

**(10) **Means "Cherry Blossom Snowstorm"

**(11) **Means "Sure-Kill Blaze Star"

**(12) **I made this attack up. Means "Sure-Kill Hammer Star". Kinda like a smaller version of that attack used to defeat Mr.4

**(13) **Means "Devil Leg"

1000 cyber-bucks to whoever guesses what was behind the door! Hint: It is not from One Piece, but originates from a source that I have previously used before in this story.


	7. The vengeful villains

Disclaimer (Robin): RLS-san does not own One Piece.

Me: Would it kill you to act a bit weird or something?

Is no one reviewing this chapter because I'm not giving a disclaimer for all of the references? If so, I don't own any of the sources that the references originate from, either!

Anyhoo, in the last chapter, I said that the money would go to whoever **GUESSED**; it didn't matter if you guessed RIGHT or not. So, since nobody guessed and stood by their prediction, I get to keep all the money! (Hugs sacks of 1000 cyber-bucks and blows it all on a Wii with the Jap. Version of One Piece: Unlimited Adventure). Start Chapter!

Franky and Brook stood in awe at the monstrosity that stood before them: roughly twelve feet tall, a massive body that looked like metal, a strange brown pendant around its neck that had a ruby in the center, a head that looked like a bronze helmet, a blue sash wrapped around its body and seemed to take a life of its own as the creature's right arm, a metallic-looking fist for the left hand, and a pair of boots that stood upon the ground. The creature's head/neck, legs, and left arm seemed to be made of green-blue flames, signifying that it was, indeed, a demon.

This creature, was indeed, Mala Mala Jong **(1)**.

Conveniently, a graphic suddenly appeared beside the monster (like when they introduce a new character in One Piece central to the plot of the current or overall story). The graphic read:

The Invincible Demon Warrior: Mala Mala Jong

Estimated Bounty: 250,000,000 beli

Components of Body:

Helmet of Jong

Two Ton Tunic

Third Arm Sash

Fist of Tebigong

Eye of Dashi

Jet Bootsu

Shroud of Shadows

Heart of Jong

Jong roared again, scaring Brook even more than he had before. Brook yelped and attempted to run away again.

"Come on, don't be a baby!" asserted Franky.

"He's... s-s-s-s-scared the living daylights out of me..." cowered Brook.

"If you still have the nerve to make those ridiculous skull jokes of yours, then you have the nerve to take this guy on!"

Jong, getting impatient, roared again and spat a jet of greenish-blue flames at the two Strawhats. Franky jumped out of the way, as did Brook.

"Wanna fight?!" challenged Franky. "Strong Right!"

Franky's steel fist, shot out by a steel chain, connected with Jong's metallic-looking torso, creating a dull metallic THUD. Jong didn't even budge, and after a few seconds, Franky gained a sweatdrop on the back on his head.

Jong roared, obviously not amused, and grabbed the fist, swinging Franky by the chain around at high speeds like a merry-go-round... of death!

"GET-HIM-YOU-COW-ARD-LY-SKEL-E-TON!" screamed Franky, his speech distorted by his constant spinning at approximately 150 mph. Jong swung Franky into a wall, smashing him through several rooms adjacent to the one that they were in right now. Since the three were on the fifth floor, Franky tumbled against a wall that led to a sixty-foot drop and crashed through it, leaving a large hole in the exterior wall and falling to his imminent death.

Franky's eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw the ground coming up towards him. "Franky..." The cyborg said as he retracted his steel fist via the chain and fired it out again, launching his huge hand at the hole that he had made.

"Grappler!"

Once he grabbed onto the rim of the hole, Franky breathed a sigh of relief and retracted the chain, using the mechanism of his arm as a grappling hook.

Once he had gotten back onto the fifth floor, Franky found that Brook was hardly keeping up with Jong. Each one of the skeleton swordsman's strikes did no harm to Jong, while the metallic, demonic warrior's strikes were obviously hurting him.

"Nibai Doble!" Brook declared. **(2) **

Four strikes, swifter than Franky could see, clashed against Jong's torso. Jony roared for the millionth time and smashed his giant fist at Brook. Brook gracefully leapt to the side, and reared back for another attack.

"Fresh Fire!" screamed Franky. A huge column of fire escaped from his open mouth and headed toward Jong. It scored a direct hit, creating a large explosion and blowing Jong to pieces.

Unfortunately, as soon as Jong was blown to pieces, the eight parts that he was made up of reassembled in a swirl of greenish-blue flames. Apparently not playing around anymore, a lightning bolt fired from the pendant around his neck right at Brook.

Brook coughed up a tiny cloud of smoke. The exposed parts of his bony body were covered with a black soot, as was his tuxedo.

Franky grabbed Brook and hurled him out of the way as Jong fired several more lightning bolts at them. With a growl, Franky bent his left index finger inwards and fired several shots at the monster with a cry of "Ouch Finger!"

Jong's metallic torso deflected all the bullets, so Franky decided to try something different. "Master Nail!"

Dozens of nails flew from Franky's mouth to Jong's head, but his metallic head deflected them all too, except for two that flew right into the eyeholes of the helmet that was Jong's head. Jong roared in pain and placed both of his hands onto his eyeholes.

Relieved by this momentary distraction, Franky bent down and began to pant. He was running low on cola as it was, and he forgot to get a refill while they were on the Sunny, with all the whirlpools and everything...

Franky straightened himself up as Jong pulled the nails out of his eye holes and incinerated them with a tiny breath of fire. This shot had to count, or else...

Unfortunately, before Franky could pull out his trump card, Jong pulled out his and reached behind him, pulling out a small black cape which he wrapped around himself. Franky could not believe his eyes: this guy could turn invisible too?!

Meanwhile...

Joker wandered around in a random hallway, wondering if it was a good idea to let Luffy fight his dub counterpart on his own. Ah, who was he kidding? The kid could totally handle himself!

More importantly, he hadn't killed anyone or anything in the last five minutes! Joker's wandering led him to a large metallic door, which had "UNDESERVED FUNDS" written on it.

Joker's crooked smile grew even wider, as he rubbed his gloved palms in greedy glee. He tried to open the door via the dial, but he didn't know the combination, and that "find the combination by pressing a stethoscope to the door" trick only worked in movies, apparently.

Next, Joker tried to bang the door down with a hammer, but that didn't work either.

Joker gained an anime vein on his head. "So, you wanna do things the hard way, huh?" He pulled out an impossibly large crate from his jacket that had "THE HARD WAY" printed in red letters on a white tag pasted to one side.

Twenty seconds later...

The door had so many explosives stacked against it that one could hardly see it. Bombs, dynamite, and grenades of every size, shape, and design were stacked atop one another, and several fuses tied together into one whose head lied a few inches from Joker's feet.

"Happy New Year!" Joker declared, and lit the fuse with a match. He then proceeded to run as far away as possible from the explosives.

Back to the fight...

Franky's hair was sagging even lower. He had about a liter of cola left in him. The good news was that Jong had turned visible again, the bad news was that he and Brook were almost out of energy, and the terrible news was that they discovered the hard way that Jong could fly with his boots.

"Oi, skeleton, can you distract him?"

"Of course, but what for?"

"Just do it!"

Brook sighed, and if he still had eyeballs, he would've rolled them. Pretty sure that he was running to his own death, Brook rushed toward Jong and began hurling insults, as well as attacks, at him. The demonic warrior began slashing at Brook with the sharp metal tassels on the sash that he had for a right arm, punching at him with the metallic gauntlet that was his left hand, and firing lightning bolts at him.

Franky took a deep breath and connected his beefy arms together. A T-shaped metal tube then connected the arms while Franky took several deep breaths.

"Can you please hurry it up?! Everybody knows that you can only live twice!"

"It's ready! Coup de"

Jong backed Brook up against a wall, not knowing what was on the other side of it.

On the other side of the wall...

Joker hid himself behind a table that he had flipped over on its side, plugging his ears and waiting for the mountain of explosives to do their thing.

Back to the fight...

"VENT!" Franky screamed. A huge blast of compressed air escaped from a hole on his left palm, blasting Jong into the wall that Brook was backed up against. Brook's eyes nearly popped out of his sockets (if he had any eyes) and barely rolled away.

When Jong collided with the wall, something happened that neither side expected...

KA-BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The mountain of explosives had blown open the safe door, alright, but the range of its blast reached to the room that Franky, Brook, and Jong were in, and the explosives had went off right when Jong crashed against the wall, blowing his body into the eight components that made up his form. Now, the Heart of Jong rolled out, and since it wasn't connected to any of the other Shen Gong Wu, Jong could not be revived.

Joker, hearing the blast, looked at what had happened, failing to notice that the table was gone, blown to ashes, as well as a nice long strip of fabric on the back of his jacket and the green shirt that he wore underneath, revealing his white-skinned back.

Joker immediately ran to the vault, jumping and diving in the mound of gold coins, regular coins, gold bricks, and bills. He rolled around in it for a few minutes before realizing that he was not alone.

"When did you two get here?"

"Nice going! You could've blown us to pieces!" both Strawhats roared.

"But I didn't, and I'm gonna if you two don't shut the hell up!"

"Who the hell do you think you're talking to?!"

While these three were arguing, Kahn was monitoring all of the Straw Hats' movements on the dozens of monitors in his control room. Luffy was wandering around on the third floor with a piece of pipe in his hand and singing an idiotic song, Zoro and Chopper were beating their way through wave after wave of Care Bears, Nami and Robin were bickering on who Luffy loved the most, Usopp was fiddling around with the mechanics of a vending machine in a hallway, and Sanji had just emerged from the corridor where he had beaten up all of the gangsters, his dub counterpart, and the troll.

The argument at this point had broken out into an all out fight, by which I mean that the three were hidden in a gigantic dust cloud with stars and occasionally somebody's limbs coming out of it.

When the dust cloud dissipated, all three were lying on their palms, panting. Joker suddenly noticed a small video camera attached to a high point on a wall, monitoring their every movement. Not waiting for Franky and Brook to recover, Joker marched up to the camera and looked it in the lens.

"Hey, Kahn," the harlequin of hate said, tapping on the glass lens, "Do I amuse you?"

Joker promptly took out a mini-LCD television out from a potato chip sack hidden inside his jacket. The TV was turned to a channel where a man named Lind L. Tailor was giving a speech on something. Joker turned the dial on the television to something else and promptly shoved it in front of the lens.

20 second later...

All of Kahn's underlings that had been monitoring the screen which showed Joker, Franky, and Brook were now collapsed on the floor, having seizures. Kahn looked at the semi-conscious bodies and gained a sweatdrop on the back of his head.

Sure that his plan had worked, Joker placed the mini-LCD TV back into the potato chip sack, then took a potato chip out and ATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joker placed the sack back into his jacket, muttering "Who knew that that little rat plus missiles could have packed such a punch?"

"Hey!" shouted Franky. "We're not done with you yet!"

"Please, you're a hundred years too young to be shouting at me" scoffed Joker. "And may the Saint Dragon God of Osiris ensure that you die before those hundred years come!"

Suddenly, all the lights in the room that they were in went out, and the sky (visible from the hole in the wall the Franky made when he crashed into it earlier) physically flipped upside-down, revealing a night setting without the moon or stars.

"This is crazy, even by my standards!" stated Joker. "But, then again... screw physics! I have green hair!"

Suddenly, scuttling noises were heard in the room. Joker could make out Franky's massive build and Brook's skinny body, as well as Brook's afro, but there was a third figure by them... with a sharp hook for a left hand...

Meanwhile, with Nami and Robin...

"If Luffy were here, he'd say that he loved me the most!"

"In your dreams!"

The effects of the potion were clearly not going to wear off anytime soon...

The two girls arrived at a door, not noticing it until they bumped into it.

"Ow! This is all your fault!"

"How is if my fault?!"

"If Luffy were here, he'd agree with me!"

Suddenly, a chuckling sound was heard.

"Ah, just like the good old days..."

Nami and Robin looked at one another.

"Those two are practically mirrors of them..."

Nami and Robin looked around the room, but could see nothing that was even remotely capable of speaking. Robin's Ojos Fleur technique also failed to reveal anything.

Shrugging, the two girls opened the door and went through it, not noticing two logs that stood vertically on either side of the door. One had a blue symbol on it, while the other one had a red symbol on it. Both possessed a tiny circular light above the symbols.

Meanwhile, with Luffy...

Oi, Zoro, Chopper!" cried the rubberman. He saw the two wandering in a hall and recognized them instantly.

"Well, this splitting up business doesn't seem to be doing any good" said Zoro.

"Now that I think about it, why did we even listen to that clown guy?" asked Chopper, being the most logical out of the three Strawhats.

"He was a clown?" asked Luffy.

Zoro and Chopper both anime fell at the stupid statement.

"Oi, you guys!" Came the voice of the ship's long-nosed sniper.

"Usopp!"

"Where the hell were you?!"

"I was fighting a monster with white hair miles long, and sharp teeth, and even sharper claws, and dog ears, and a huge sword the shape of a fang..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next you'll be telling us that you fought a two-tailed demon cat that had blood-red eyes and grew to fifty feet tall!"

"How did you know?!"

Zoro slapped his forehead. This was getting them nowhere.The best thing to do right now was to find the others, regroup, and beat the shit out of Kahn.

Suddenly, all the lights went out, and as they were nowhere near a window, everything became pitch black. Usopp and Chopper screamed.

Zoro tensed his body. "Stay on your guard!" he hissed. "We're not alone!"

As soon as those words left his mouth, a screeching sound was heard, and a silhouette dropped from the ceiling. The silhouette was that of a human, wielding a single, large sword, that landed on his feet skillfully.

"Go Zoro!" cried Usopp. He and Chopper were, as usual, safely nestled inside a barrel with their eyes barely peeking out from below the lid.

Zoro and the mysterious figure were soon engaged in a fierce duel. Despite having only one sword, it was keeping up with Zoro fairly well.

Zoro swung Shuusui at the figure's head. The black blade was blocked by the figure's own sword. The figure then retaliated with a kick aimed at Zoro's gut, which Zoro blocked with Sandai Kitetsu. As he blocked the strike, Zoro heard a clanging of metal clashing, and he realized that the figure had steel-soled footwear.

"Santouryu... Oni Giri!" Zoro rushed at the figure and slashed at it with two swords, but it simply leaped out of the way. It brought the huge blade of its sword down on Zoro, who tilted his head, causing the blade to smash down into the ground where he was only seconds before.

After a few minutes of clashing blades and kicks, the figure, who had suffered a few slash wounds, began to transform. Usopp and Chopper widened their eyes as the figure grew taller until its head nearly reached the ceiling, his body began to grow hair, and a pair of red eyes adorned his head. In addition, it began to take on a more bulky frame, and its sandals burst as its feet transformed into claws.

The transformation now complete, the creature screeched, bearing its fangs. Usopp and Chopper were now to afraid to even scream.

"Some sort of Devil fruit?" questioned Zoro. "No matter."

The figure raised its arms, revealing huge, leathery wings, and charged toward Zoro, its huge mouth clamping down on his swords. Zoro's confident smirk turned into a grimace of disgust as he lifted the two swords that the huge figure had its fangs clamped around, lifting it into the air as well.

The figure screeched, but it could not let go, for its fangs had locked into the swords. Zoro simply jumped up and crashed it into the ceiling, causing the tips of his swords to impale the creature through its head. With one final screech, the creature dropped to the ground, dead.

"Well, that was fun" stated Zoro, wiping the blood off of his katana. Suddenly, a signal traveled through his mind like an electric current.

"Just like I taught you, Zoro!" cheered Usopp, climbing out of the barrel. Chopper followed suit.

"WHERE'S LUFFY?!" screamed Zoro.

"Uh oh..."

Meanwhile, in a place far far away...

"And that's how you committed the murder" said man in a gray suit. Said man had his eyes closed and was sitting in a chair with his head drooping down, giving the impression that he was asleep, which he was.

"Wow, Ojisan!" cried a little boy that came from behind the chair. Said boy was dressed in a blue elementary school uniform, a red bow tie, black-and-white sneakers, and wore a pair of glasses. "That was amazing!"

No, not that far away!

In a hallway several floors above the one where Zoro and co. were, Luffy wandered around, holding a stick and singing the "they're all idiots!" song.

"Straw Hat! I've finally found you!" a hoarse voice suddenly called.

"Eh? Smokey?" Luffy asked, dropping his stick and getting into 'battle position'.

"My name is Chaser, head commander of Navy HQ!" said the voice.

"I don't care what you call yourself! If you want to fight... you'll have to catch me first!" With that, the rubberman dashed off into the pitch-black corridor. Ever since he had encountered Smoker at Loguetown, he had learned to run away instead of taking the man head-on.

However, Luffy got no more than a dozen meters when he felt something coil around his waist and lift him up into the air. He gulped, and attempted to wriggle out of Chaser's grasp.

However, the Plume Plume fruit would allow him to do no such thing. Chaser used the dense but very flexible strips of smoke that held Luffy to slam the 300-million bounty head into the ground several times.

"You think" SLAM "That your" BAM "Devil fruit" WHAM "Will stop" CRASH "ME?!" screamed Luffy. He began punching at Chaser's head, but to no avail, the blows sank right through the Navy captain's head.

"I'm gonna smoke you out! Ha! Ha! Ha!" laughed Chaser in a very OCC moment. But then again, when has 4Kids ever kept One Piece characters in character?

Luffy stretched his arms until his hands reached the ceiling. "Not if I have anything to say about it!" Chaser was about to get what he had worked on to deal with guys like him!

"Gomu Gomu no Bazooka!"

In order to dodge the blow to his arms, Chaser turned the spot where they aimed into light smoke so that the blow would pass through. However, Luffy's palms hit the floor as a result, forcibly propelling him upwards and out of Chaser's grasp.

"Get back here!" roared Chaser.

"Sorry, no can do!" smiled Luffy. Laughing like an idiot, he jumped through the hole where his Gomu Gomu no Bazooka had hit, landing on the floor below, and dashed away as fast as possible.

Chaser jumped through the hole as well, and was just about to give pursuit... when a familiar blade's tip found its way to his neck...

"Oi, ushikuso! Why don't you take me on?!" **(3)**

Outside the 4Kids headquarters...

Everybody else besides the Straw Hat pirates and Joker were locked out of the building since Joker's little "visit", and since everything had been upgraded with adamantium and/or that damn unbreakable plastic that your uncle's pickle jars are made out of, nobody else could take their anger out on Kahn and co. They were making the best out of this situation, however, with the hapless 4Kids employees, care bears, and Teletubbies, though."

"Un, duex, trois!" sang Mr. 2 as he kicked the crap out of several Teletubbies using his unique blend of martial arts and ballet, known as "Okama Kenpo". **(4)**

"Spiral Hollow!" declared Mr. 1 as several circular steel blades sprouted from his forearms. The blades then began spinning at approximately 1,000,000 RPM, turning into lethal mini-tillers that he used to cut up a care bear. Sadly, the blood was replaced with stuffing, disappointing any fans of gore.

"Face the wrath of my Mighty Battle Halberd!" screamed Don Krieg on the other side of the island. Ever since his loss to Luffy, he had been working on improving his arsenal, and this was the crown jewel of his new arsenal - a greatly modified version of his Great Battle Spear that had the twin blades of a battleaxe on either side in addition to the blade in the middle.

Krieg hoisted his weapon over his shoulder and smashed it into the ground, creating a huge tremor and a massive explosion that killed several hobos at once.

"Hyappatsu Mizu Deppou!" announced Chuu not far away. He spat dozens of high-pressurized water bullets at several 4Kids employees, blasting holes in their bodies from the sheer force of his spitting. **(5)**

Jack Thompson, who was on the island paying a visit to Kahn to talk to him about suing Bandai, tried to get away from all the chaos, blaming violent video games on everything in the process, as usual. Unfortunately, Gecko Moria, who was majorly pissed off at Kahn for his comment about him looking like a "dickhead", stood in his way with six or seven hundred zombie soldiers.

"Kishishishishi! You're not getting away!" laughed the totally-owned-by-Luffy-Shichibukai. "Attack!"

With that, the eternal enemy of any seasoned video game fan was ripped to shreds.

Princess Vivi, meanwhile, was beating on several executive officers for not letting her VA know her part right, therefore inflicting her with lifeless voice syndrome, or LVS for short.

Back inside the building...

Joker took a gun out of his jacket and pointed it at 4Kids Crocodile (if you haven't figured it out by now, I pity you). Franky unhinged his left hand from his wrist in preparation for "Beans Left", and Brook got into a classic fencing position.

"Hahahaha! What are you desert doo-doo heads going to do?" laughed Crocodile. "You're like pimples that just won't pop!"

"Please," said Joker. "Don't bring your teenage years into this."

Crocodile scowled, and a vein appeared on his forehead. "Ha ha ha! Have you forgotten? I can only be clobbered when I'm a big stiff!"

"You said it, not me!" retorted Joker.

"Who is this guy again?" asked Franky. He had not joined the crew until far after the end of the Alabasta arc, and in the dark, he could not tell Crocodile's identity.

"I think that I saw his wanted poster some thirty years ago" said Brook. "Wait! He's the former Shichibukai Sir Crocodile! Yohoho! I don't know if my eyes are fit to gaze upon hi- wait, I don't have eyes!"

"The one that got his ass kicked by Luffy?" asked Franky, ignoring Crocodile's presence entirely.

"Shut up!" screamed Crocodile in a tone that all three guessed was supposed to be angry, but came out as pathetically whiny instead.

"I'll destroy you all! Desert Dagger!" All three lawbreakers jumped out of the sand torpedo's way as it split the room in half.

"Oi, you're really ruining my week! Beans Left!"

Crocodile dispersed himself into millions of grains of sand to dodge the attack, then materialized behind Franky and slashed him in the back with his hook.

Franky screamed as the gilded alloy of Crocodile's hook dug into his flesh. Any Franky fan knew that the cyborg's back was his weak spot, which was completely made of flesh, unlike other parts of his body.

Franky collapsed almost immediately. "Uh oh... I forgot to refuel..."

"Aubade Coup Droit!" What appeared to be a simple thrusting motion from Brook's sword created an air shot that blasted through Crocodile. However, as with Franky's attack, it simply created a hole in Crocodile's body that filled up within seconds.

Without a word, Crocodile lunged towards Brook with his hook held out in front of him, intending to impale him.

An acid shot suddenly blasted Crocodile's body, dissolving his sand body. Crocodile turned around, furious at the interruption.

"I'll give you till the count of ten to get the fuck out of here," Joker said, hand on the deadly flower on his lapel. "One... ten!"

At that, the clown took a squirt gun out of his jacket and squirted Crocodile with it. Crocodile, really pissed off now, roared and clasped his hand around Joker's neck.

"I'm gonna turn you into beef jerky!"

"But I'm not vegetarian!"

Just as Crocodile was about to turn Joker into a mummy, a shout of "Gavotte Bond En Avant!" brought the former Warlord of the Sea to his knees. His grip loosened from Joker's neck.

"Ooh." Joker said with interest, looking at the blade sticking out of Crocodile's side. Brook withdrew the blade and prepared himself for Crocodile's next attack.

"Of course!" cried Crocodile. "When he squirted me with that gun, my body hardened, and I can be clobbered when I'm a big stiff!"

Without a word, Crocodile swung the sharp tip of his hook at Brook. Brook held up his sword to block it. Crocodile went on the offense, madly slashing at Brook. The skeleton parried all of the attacks without much difficulty, but he was still being pushed back.

"Try to block this!" shouted Crocodile. He took off the hook, revealing the poison hook beneath it.

"Coda Beat!" Brook's sword clashed against the side of the purple hook. Almost instantly, the hook shattered at its base and went flying through the air. **(6) **

"Hanuta Sanchou - Yahuza Giri!"

"Nothing happened" observed Joker.

Brook, who was now behind Crocodile, smiled and dusted off his sword, wiping the blood off of it with a handkerchief that he had pulled out of somewhere.

Suddenly, Crocodile screamed. Blood poured out of his body in rivets as the former supreme commander of Baroque Works collapsed.

By now, Buggy had long waken up from his nap caused by the lightning. Outside, he was facing off against 4Kids Krieg.

"Try this on for size! Poison suction cups!" screamed Krieg. Several dozen spears, not poison suction cups, fired out of his modified shield at Buggy.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Buggy laughed in his hoarse, high-pitched voice. "You think that your flashy spears are going to stop me?!"

"They're poison suction cups!" insisted dub Krieg. Buggy split into pieces to avoid the projectiles.

"And I say that they're spears!" countered Buggy. "But, that won't matter if you're dead! Bara Bara Hou!"

"Quit clowning around!" roared dub Krieg. He took off his gloves, revealing the diamond gauntlets underneath, and rushed at Buggy, trying to punch him, when suddenly, he felt a sharp pain in both his legs.

"Ha ha ha ha!" wheezed Buggy. "You should armor your legs, too!" Buggy's detached arms and hands, each holding a knife stabbing into Krieg's legs, withdrew, causing Krieg to sink to his knees.

"Why you...!" Krieg took his flail out of nowhere and launched it at Buggy, who by then had reassembled all of his body parts. Buggy's torso split off of his lower half to avoid the huge spiked ball.

Buggy countered by detaching both of his hands and having them rush at Krieg. One hand grabbed Krieg's face, blocking his view, while the other punched him in the nuts.

"That's it!" shouted Krieg. "I'll finish you off right now!" He raised his right arm and fired a stream of flame from the flamethrower conveniently mounted on his arm guards at Buggy's floating torso.

Buggy, too busy gloating, was too late to dodge the flame. He took the brunt of the attack, falling onto the ground with his upper body a smoking, charred black color.

Buggy coughed a cloud of smoke from his mouth, conscious out of sheer rage. "You dare attack the great pirate captain Buggy?! Men," he said, gesturing towards some of his pirates that had appeared out of nowhere. "Prepare IT!"

"Yes, sir, Captain Buggy!" shouted the pirates. Buggy's detached hand floated toward his waist, where it removed a sword concealed in his waistsash.

"I was planning to save this for Straw Hat, but you'll do!" shouted Buggy. The hand holding the sword, floating about four or five feet off the ground, went into a vertical spin, turning itself and the blade into a buzzsaw.

"Bara Bara Hinagata Senbei!" **(7)**

Buggy sent the spinning buzzsaw toward Krieg, who raised his armored forearms to block it. Not giving up so easily, Buggy had the hand spin at a much faster rate, causing sparks to fly out of its grinding against the Hagane steel.

Krieg was so busy defending his head from the buzzsaw, however, that he had failed to notice several of Buggy's pirates rolling a cannon on wheels right behind him. One of them (the black one that got changed to white in the 4Kids dub) loaded a bright red cannonball into the cannon and pointed it at Krieg.

Buggy smiled. "It's time for this to end!" he cockily declared. The Buggy Bomb in the cannon was no ordinary Buggy Bomb - he had been working on it for several weeks! The amount of explosives in it was enormous, and mixed together with some alcohol and sulfur, its power was ten times that of a normal Buggy Bomb!"

"I agree!" shouted dub Krieg. He clicked his fingers, sending several marble-sized bombs at Buggy. Buggy took them head-on, and a huge blast covered the area a second later.

Buggy emerged from the smoke, his eyes cutting holes in the haze. "Is that the best you've got?" he taunted.

"What?! screamed Krieg, dumbfounded.

"Because this is the best I've got!" At that, Buggy's other detached hand struck a match and lit the fuse on the cannon. "Ultimate Tokusei Buggy Bakudan!" Krieg turned his head around and noticed it for the first time. **(8) **

"Ha! You think that a little cannon will even dent my Wootz steel armor?!" laughed Krieg.

BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Buggy Bomb rushed at Krieg, who turned around (no small feet on his wounded knees) and took it with the torso of his armor. Big mistate.

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buggy had managed to get the hell out of the way as the cannon fired, but the force of the explosion had still sent him flying. When the pirate clown turned around, however, he smiled.

The damage that it had done to Krieg was tremendous. Not only had Krieg's armor been blown clean off, but his clothes had been, as well, leaving him unconscious in his boxers. Scorch marks covered the pirate's massive body, along with a layer of soot. Several of Krieg's teeth had also been blown out.

"Ha! This is what happens when you cross swords with the great Captain Buggy the Clown!" declared Buggy. He then fainted from exhaustion.

"Captain?" asked the newest crew member, a little boy of eight who Buggy had kidnapped. "Look at this pretty red flower I found!"

"Whaddaya mean 'Red Nose'!" Buggy roared, one of his hands detaching to uppercut the boy in the chin.

Meanwhile, in the master control room...

"Hmm... those Strawhats seem to be progressing far further than I thought..." muttered Al Kahn, totally ignoring the room full of unconscious subordinates. "Looks like I'll have to bring out... the big guns!!!!!"

Kahn pressed a button, revealing a secret room. He entered the room, looking at a glass case with three cards in it, and laughed evilly.

End of Chapter 7

Yes, I realize it's been a hundred years since I've updated, and I'm really, really sorry, but I ran into some writer's block...

How many references to other anime can you catch in this chapter? Find all of them, and win a preview of the next chapter!

**(1) **Mala Mala Jong is a villain from _Xiaolin Showdown_. He's basically invincible except if you remove the Heart of Jong from his chest, which is what basically gives him life.

**(2) **In fencing, a _doble _or double is exactly what it sounds like - two strikes with one's sword no more than 40-50 milliseconds away from each other. Nibai means double as well, giving the attack four strikes.

**(3) **Literally means 'bullshit'.

**(4) **Even though this fic is based more on the anime than the manga, I decided to call Mr. 2's fighting style by its manga name. Literally means "Homosexual fighting style"

**(5) **Means "Hundred-Shot Water Gun"

**(6) **In fencing, a beat is to strike the weak point of the opponent's weapon with your own. A coda, as anyone who took music classes knows, is a piece of music that concludes a long piece by prolonging it. Pun with the "beat of a coda".

**(7) **Means "Miniature Rice Cracker"

**(8) **Means "Ultimate Buggy Bomb"

Well, that's all, folks!


	8. The hazardous hallways

Disclaimer (Franky): RLS does not own the SUPER piece of work known as One Piece! (Starts Dancing)

Me: Alright already! Don't rub it in!

I'm kinda sad that I only got 1 review for the last chapter, but I guess that it happens to all great authors once in a while. If NopeJustMe, the author of _The Legend_, can withstand not having any of his first four chapters reviewed, then I can handle one measly chapter! Besides, I have a sort of philosophy that for every 1 person that reviews a story, at least 4 people are anonymously enjoying it! Start Chapter!

"You want to fight me, Roronoa?" Chaser raised an eyebrow at the former bounty hunter.

"You heard me," Zoro maintained.

"This should be quick! Smoke Strike!"

Chaser turned one arm into smoke and launched his fist at Zoro. Zoro gracefully leaped to the side and placed the Wado Ichimonji in his mouth, Sandai Kitetsu and Shuusui in both hands. After landing on solid ground, he positioned his arms so that the swords in his hands folded behind his head.

"Hyaku-Hachi Pound Hou!"

"Smoke Screen!"

The chi cannon created by Zoro rushed to meet Chaser's arms, both of which were now separated into streams of smoke. The powerful winds blew the smoke back, and Chaser had no choice but to turn his body into smoke and let himself be blown back. Otherwise, he would've been cut all over by the furious technique.

The cloud of smoke that was Chaser's body was blown back against a wall and spread out. However, Chaser reassembled himself in a matter of seconds. With an annoyed look on his face, the Navy captain shot both arms out, transforming them into a single swirling column of smoke that sped toward Zoro.

"Hyaku-Hachi Pound Hou!" Zoro expected the same result, but instead of being blown back, the column spread out into a thick fog, which filled the corridor in a matter of seconds. Zoro looked around himself out of habit, even though he knew that it was useless to find Chaser.

From nowhere, Chaser lunged at Zoro, his seastone-tipped jutte held straight forward to impale Zoro with. Zoro blocked the strike by arranging the blades of Sandai Kitetsu and Shuusui in an "X" formation, then countered by slashing at Chaser with said katana. Needless to say, this did not work, as the blades simply went through his body.

Zoro suddenly found a coiling strip of smoke encircling his waist, lifting him up into the air. The strip, as it turned out, was Chaser's other arm, that is, the one that wasn't holding the jutte. Zoro soon found himself being sucked into the smoke as if it were a vortex as he sensed Chaser reassemble the rest of his body above of him.

"Smoke Blast!"

Zoro didn't quite grasp what happened, but he found the floor coming up at him fast, so he did what was natural for an experienced pirate swordsman: thrust both hands out, position his body into a handstand for a split second, and flip back onto his feet and onto solid ground. This, of course, was slightly harder with both hands holding swords, but he succeeded anyways.

"Still standing eh?"

Zoro narrowed his eyes at the Navy captain, still floating in midair. "Nanajuu-Ni Pound Hou!"

"Smoke Breaker!"

Both arms transformed into a single cloud of smoke, minus the fists, and blasted toward the air cannon. What happened next could only be described as a draw as the wind and smoke collided. Despite his control over smoke, however, Chaser could still not see through it, and he was caught off guard when Zoro jumped through the cloud and slashed at his head with Shuusui.

Fortunately for him, Chaser had caught the strike in time and turned his head into smoke to avoid the blow, then countered with a punch of his own that clashed against Sandai Kitetsu. The force of the punch sent Zoro back down to the floor. Chaser turned his lower body into smoke and, using jet propulsion, blasted himself towards Zoro, drawing his arm back for a punch.

Zoro dodged the punch and made a stab at Chaser's chest.

Chaser absorbed the blow and curled into a ball for a split second upon contact with the ground, rolling toward Zoro.

Zoro blocked an incoming kick and jumped back a few feet. At the rate this was going, he was never going to beat Chaser! Zoro desperately needed something that could make contact with the Navy Captain, but what?

Meanwhile, with Usopp and Chopper... (Current Position: 16th floor)

The cowardly duo were currently running for their lives from a huge mass of robots that had come out of nowhere. They had been running like this for the last three minutes, after having been separated from Zoro by them. Currently, they were trying their best not to get fried by the furiously blasting lasers, and took out one or two whenever there was an opening around a corner, but the numbers were still too overwhelming.

"Usopp! What do we do?" Chopper was in his Walk Point to cover more ground, but the robots were still keeping pace. "My legs are about to give out!"

"Don't worry! The Great Captain Usopp will think of something!" _I hope_.

"There!" Usopp cried suddenly, pointing at a flight of stairs. With an extra burst of speed, the two ran to the top of the stairs before any of the robots even made it to the first step. Taking only a second to catch their breaths, Usopp readied Kabuto, while Chopper ripped a bulletin board out of a nearby wall.

"You have ignited the wrath of the Great Captain Usopp!" Usopp cried, hiding behind the bulletin board with Chopper (in Brain Point). "Take this! Bunpou Suzumebachi Ryuseiu!" **(1)**

A massive shower of gunpowder pellets rained down on the robots, blasting them into pieces. When Chopper managed to turn his head toward Usopp, he could hardly believe his eyes - the pencil-nosed sniper's hands were moving so fast that it rivaled some of Luffy's techniques, and the speed at which he was shooting could give a machine gun a run for its money!

Finally, when the corridor was filled with so much smoke that the duo could not see a few steps ahead of them, Usopp stopped, his arms dropping to the side like wet noodles. Big mistake.

A huge robot suddenly came out of the corridor and transformed its hands into chainsa-er... lightsabers and rushed at them. Suddenly, a cry of "Gomu Gomu no Gatling!" and a barrage of punches came out of nowhere, hitting the robot a hundred times and sending it flying into the stairs.

"Oi, Luffy, where'd you run off to?!" yelled Usopp.

"I was exploring this mystery building when this mystery bot came out of nowhere!"

"Well, you did fine for starters, I guess. But, you'll need to improve your skills if you want to be called my apprentice!"

"Wow, Usopp! When'd Luffy become your apprentice?"

"Hey, I don't remember that! It's a mystery, I guess!" Luffy's grin remained as cheerful as ever. "Let's go kick the shit out of Kahn!"

With Joker, Franky, and Brook... (Current Position: 14th floor)

"What IS it?" Joker's voice carried a tone of surprise that did not normally come out of his mouth.

"Maybe it's a kappa," suggested Franky. **(2)**

"Yohohoho! Maybe it's a giant frog!" suggested Brook.

"We're a long way from Ohio, Jack Skellington," Joker's sarcastic voice came. **(3)**

Brook poked the body on the ground with his cane. "Maybe it's dead, like me!"

The body flipped over, startling the skeleton. Its large, black eyes seemed like an infinite void, and its black hair was messy and tangled. In other words, it looked like it was not from this world.

And then, it spoke, giving the impression that it was a male. With its voice, which sounded like a whisper in a chilly Autumn wind, however, it was not easy to tell.

_"Watashi wa... Ryuzaki desu"_

Joker took out a gun and shot it in the head. "We never saw this."

With Al Kahn... (Current position: 20th floor - Top floor)

The lord of all anime nightmares was dressed in a huge cliche' battle suit that had three rectangular slots on the back, in which three cards were placed.

"Hahaha! Those fools will now learn the true meaning of 4Kids! After this, we'll be able to butcher One Piece twice as badly. Then, we'll pick up Detective Conan and Negima!" **(****4)**

Al Kahn's cell phone suddenly rang. The ringtone was that of the 4Kids One Piece opening. He picked it up and turned it on.

"Not now, mother! I'm busy trying to take over the world!"

With Nami and Robin... (Current Position: 15th floor)

The two girls did not know where the hell the massive group of teenage girls that stood in front of them came from.

"Eva-san... where are we?" the redhead girl with long pigtails asked.

"Damn. I thought that the teleportation spell would have worked perfectly this time... In any case, I'm finally free of that wretched academy!" replied the devilish-looking blond girl. She looked a lot younger than the rest of the girls.

"Did you have to bring the rest of the peanut gallery along?" the redhead asked with annoyance. A pair of redhead twins were hanging off a chandelier and swinging on it, while a squinty-eyed girl with dark blond hair and a dark-skinned girl with light blond hair were eating onigiri in a small tray marked "donuts".

"These are delicious - de gozaru," said the squinty-eyed girl.

"It's not my fault that they had to come barging into the room when I performed it! Come to think of it, you did too!"

"We were just trying to wish you a happy birthday..."

"Hey! Look! Some people there!" said the orange-haired girl in the white T-shirt. Said girl carried a ribbon that touched the floor. "Hey, do you know where we are?"

"4Kids Headquarters," replied Robin placidly.

"Hey, I've heard of that name before! Aren't they the company that butcher every anime that they get their hands on 'cause they look kid friendly, but tend to have mature content?"

The redhead pigtail girl looked up. "Uh, Makie..."

"WE'RE AN ANIME THAT LOOKS KID FRIENDLY, BUT TENDS TO HAVE MATURE CONTENT!" finished a blond girl in the front.

"Technically, Iincho, we're a manga series primarily," said the black-haired girl with glasses. **(5) **

"Who cares?! We're all going to become flat-chested!"

"A couple of us don't really have anything to fear, then," said another girl with black hair and glasses. Said girl looked snidely at the girls beside her, a shy-looking girl with purple hair that covered her eyes and a bored-looking girl with purple hair in braids at the front.

The sound of a door closing was what brought all of the girls to silence. Obviously, by now Nami and Robin were gone.

"We've gotta go find them! They might be our only hope of getting out of this place!"

"Hai! Just leave it to us, the members of the walking club!" came the twins' voice.

Back to Smo-er, Chaser and Zoro... (Current Position: 12th floor)

"Smoke Stack!"

Zoro narrowly avoided the spiraling column of smoke rushing to ensnare him and retaliated.

"Hyou Kin Dama!" **(6)**

Chaser waited for the swordsman, now spinning like a ball with blades held out, to lose momentum, then struck.

"Smoke Snake!"

Chaser's arm turned into a massive column of smoke that looked vaguely like a snake. The "snake" snatched Zoro up into its "jaws" and repeatedly slammed him against the floor. When the ordeal was over, Zoro was lying in a crater on the floor, in pain, but still conscious.

"Oi, you're really pissing me off, bastard!"

"Bring it!"

"Santouryu..." Zoro crossed his arms, his blades pointing upwards and folding over his chest.

"Smoke..."

"Oni Giri!" Zoro charged forward and uncrossed his swords in a cross-slash.

"Punisher!" Chaser started to turn into smoke...

_Ya-yo, ya-yo ya-yo! Oh ho!_

_Set sail for One Piece!_

_It's the name of the treasure!_

_In the Grand Line!_

_Ya-yo! Ya-yo!_

_Set sail for One Piece!_

Zoro stopped in his tracks to cringe at 4Shame's One Piece opening, as Chaser took a cell phone out of his pocket.

"Hello? Oh, Lord Kahn? All preparations are ready?" The Navy captain hung up and looked at Zoro.

"Looks like I'm not needed anymore, Roronoa," he sneered, and turned himself into a cloud of smoke that rushed around a corner and disappeared.

"Oi, where are you going, ya coward?!" screamed Zoro. The swordsman immediately ran after the Navy captain.

With Luffy, Chopper, and Usopp...

"For the love of god, Luffy! PLEASE stop singing!" Usopp begged. "I can't feel my ears!"

"Aw, come on! All pirates sing!" replied the carefree captain, before going back to singing.

"We've got a musician now! Shouldn't you be letting HIM do all of the singing?!"

"You lousy pew-man!" came a voice at the end of the corridor.

"Huh?"

"You can't even sing right!" came the voice.

"You catch what he's saying?" asked Usopp. "He sounds like he's brushing his teeth and drowning at the same time!"

"How'd you like to be killed and eaten... at the same time?!"

"Hey, Arlong, Lord Kahn says that death doesn't exist," came a different but equally screwy voice that sounded like a nerd with a cold.

"Whoops! My bad! How'd you like to be locked in the dungeon, pew-man?!"

"AAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! It's that Arlong guy!" screamed Usopp. "Get him, Luffy!"

"Hey, you're that fish bastard that enslaved Nami, right?!" asked Luffy. "What are you doing here?!"

"I'm here to get my revenge on you, pew-man!"

"Oh yeah?! Eat this! Gomu Gomu no Pistol!"

"Coil Blast!"

Luffy's outstretched punch collided with a dark-skinned fist. Luffy retracted his arm, as the assailant came into view.

"They call me the hyena! Ha! Ha! Ha!" laughed the assailant in a nasally voice. It was Bellamy, the Hyena.

"Wait, who are you?" asked Luffy.

"You don't remember, Straw Hat? We met in Mock Town, and because I went easy on you, you beat me with one punch!"

"Wow, you're weak! No wonder I don't remember you!"

"That's it! Coil Blast!"

Luffy wound up his outstretched arm behind him. "Gomu Gomu no Rifle!"

Luffy's unwinding fist, thrust forward, collided against Bellamy's fist and sent the 55-Million Beli bounty spinning and crashing into a wall. Luffy then outstretched both legs and placed his feet next to each other.

"Gomu Gomu no Damasu Dakgeki!" Luffy brought his feet straight into Bellamy's balls... and he died. Yes, that quickly. **(7)**

Usopp and Chopper cheered. "Just like I taught you, Luffy!"

"You pew-man! Take this! Shark & Awe!" declared Arlong.

The saw-shark merman dived at Luffy like a torpedo, his sharp nose aiming for Luffy's heart (what happened to all that "dungeon" stuff?). Luffy grabbed the nose with both hands effortlessly, ignoring the (bloodless) cuts on his fingers and allowing Arlong's speed to outstretch his arms.

"Gomu Gomu no..."

"What the-"

"Tsuchi!" **(8)**

Before he knew what was happening, Arlong found himself spinning like my head after one of my teacher's lectures, and before he had time to think about what was happening, he was slammed head first into the floor.

Tiles and blood went flying everywhere as the saw-shark merman slammed straight through the floor, creating a massive cloud of dust.

"Yosha!" cried Luffy triumphantly. "That takes care of him!" He was soon proved wrong, however, when a pair of clammy, ring-pierced hands grabbed onto the hole in the floor and their owner hoisted himself up.

"You pew-man! Did you honestly think that would stop me?!" yelled Arlong as angrily as a 4Kids voice can. "I am a member of the invincible species known as the mermen!"

"Like Kokoro-obaasan?" asked Luffy. Needless to say, the image of Arlong and Kokoro merged really did a number of Usopp and Chopper's minds. In fact, Chopper was beginning to wish that he could do that same memory-erasing trick that Zoro did when they first met Camie.

"I'll crush you! Shark and Destroy!"

Luffy jumped over Arloing's spinning body and outstretched one arm to grab onto the merman's head, allowing Arlong's spinning to wind his arm around the merman's body. When Arlong ran out of momentum, Luffy pulled on his arm hard, unwinding it and making Arlong spin like a top. While this was happening, Luffy swung the still outstretched arm behind him and clenched his hand into a fist.

"Yosh! Gomu Gomu no Bullet!"

The point-blank punch nailed Arlong in the back, sending him flying straight down the corridor and into a wall. When the dust cleared, Arlong was clearly out cold.

"W-WOW LUFFY!! THAT WAS AWESOME!!" Chopper cried, excitement and awe coming out of every pore.

"Yosh! We've wasted enough time! Let's go get Kahn!"

With Sanji... (Current Position: 18th floor; Yes, I'm aware that I've completely ignored his existence last chapter)

"Nami-san? Robin-chan?" Sanji asked. "Where are you?" The chef was currently walking down another corridor, looking for his beloved beauties. It had already been twenty minutes, and there was still no sign of them.

"I'm back for a rematch, cheffy-boy!" came a voice from nowhere. When he heard the voice, the term "tutti-fruity" instantly came to mind.

"Who the hell are you supposed to be?!"

"You don't recognize me?!" screamed the voice. Out of nowhere, a guy with straight black hair cut into strips at the front, a chartreuse head ring, a pink jacket, and a blue striped beach ball around his waist jumped into view. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the most kick-ass male ballerina ever, Mr. 2 Bon Clay!

"YOU?! The okama?"

"You left me beat and redder than a beet! But now it's time for your feet's defeat!"

"What the shitty hell are you saying?!"

"Take this! Smiling Swan Soiree!" Bon Clay rushed at Sanji with a flurry of punches and kicks, all of which he dodged.

"Wanna fight?! Flanchet Shoot!" **(****9) **

The kick, aimed at Bon Clay's stomach, was dodged, and the ballerina took advantage of the opportunity.

"Ballet Chop!"

Needless to say, the feeling of his neck karate chopped was not a pleasant sensation for Sanji.

Sanji flipped around, planting one hand on the floor, and slammed the back of his foot into Bon Clay's head. The ballerina ignored the blood spilling out of his mouth and kicked at Sanji's head. Sanji brought up his knee to block it.

"You can't beat my crazy karate! Swan Dive!" Bon Clay brought his other foot around for a back kick to Sanji's head.

"WTF?! Crazy karate?!" Sanji bent back so that the kick would pass over his head, grimacing at the sight of Bon Clay's unshaven legs, and retaliated.

"Menton Shoot!" **(10)**. Sanji's entire body suddenly sprang into the air and kicked Bon Clay clean in the chin.

"Un!" Bon Clay retaliated with a kick to the stomach.

"Duex!" A punch to the face that Sanji dodged.

"Trois!" A kick to the back that hit its target. Sanji , along with his cigarette, were sent flying down the corridor.

"Ha ha ha! I know that you're not down yet, cheffy-boy! Now face the Best of Crazy Karate: The Ultimate Booties!" Bon Clay placed the two swan heads positioned on his shoulders onto his toeshoes. "Pardon my crazy karate! Swan Bombardier!" The ballerina rushed at Sanji, kicking with one foot at a freakishly high speed so that the swan head's steel beak would hit Sanji multiple times.

Sanji got up. "Damn bastard! Extra Hache!" **(11)**. The chain-smoking cook retaliated with an equally freakishly fast barrage of kicks that collided against the swan's steel beak. When the two martial artists ran out of strength, their last kicks collided against each other and created a massive shockwave.

"Darn you!" shouted Bon Clay. If he could imitate Nami and show the ero-cook her boobs, his victory would be assured! Unfortunately, being a product of 4Kids, he couldn't do that.

"Are you done yet?" Sanji lit another cigarette. "If so, prepare yourself."

"For what?! Swan Bombardier Dive!" Bon Clay jumped toward Sanji, one foot landing a fury of kicks into the air.

"With the skill of a great chef..."

Sanji crouched down, building power in his legs.

"Even a _tako_ parfait..." **(12)**

"This is your end!" insisted Bon Clay.

"Can taste delicious if pounded right!"

Sanji flipped into the air, his body doing somersaults end over end, straight toward the approaching ballerina. Bon Clay could only gaze in awe as Sanji passed over him... and brought one foot down toward his head.

"CONCASSE!!" Bon Clay's skull shattered as Sanji's foot made an impact on it and brought him into the floor. Tiles, blood, and teeth went flying everywhere.

"Tch. You ain't the okama. Even he's better than you," Sanji scoffed as he walked away. At least the original Bon Clay understood the meaning of friendship! Apparently, 4Kids thinks that if you take a man's homosexuality away, you take all his coolness and knowledge of friendship away too.

With Nami and Robin...

"Say, Robin, who do you think those girls were?" asked Nami.

"I don't know, but it doesn't matter much. Aren't we here to stop Al Kahn?" Obviously, Al Kahn was detested by One Piece characters to the point where even Robin won't refer to him with an honorific.

"Boy, you girls should watch out! It's raining cats and dogs out there!"

Nami's face dropped. "Oh god. Who is it now!"

"I just stepped in a really big poodle!" A guy wearing glasses, a bow tie, and a blue-and-white striped cloak with a weird-ass haircut shaped like a 3 stepped out of the shadows.

"San-san?" Robin's voice came out without a hint of surprise.

"Yep, it's me, the wax wonder! And you two aren't going anywhere!"

"You're that candle guy that we met on Little Garden!" The sight of the criminal mastermind brought back none-too-pleasant memories for Nami, namely almost suffocating to death on a giant birthday cake made of wax and getting turned into a wax doll.

"Little what? I've been trailing you since Rogue Town!"

"Whatever. Just get out of our way!"

I don't think so! Candle Harpoon!"

Both girls jumped out of the way as the incoming stream of wax, shaped like a harpoon, headed towards them. Robin crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Seis Fleur!" Six arms came out of various points on the sculptor's body and interlocked.

"Clutch!" A sickening crack filled the room as Mr. 3's spine shattered. The comedian screamed as loudly and as emotionally as a 4Kids voice could.

"Slap!" The arms began furiously slapping Mr. 3 in the face. When they finally disappeared in a bloom of flower petals, the wax sculptor was out cold, huge lumps covering his face.

Nami gave the historian an incredulous look. "You could have let me do something."

Robin grinned at the navigator's annoyance. "I think that sencho-san most likes girls that can fight."

The competive cogs that had long laid dormant in Nami's brain began working all of a sudden. So this is how Robin wants it, huh?

As the two girls went up a nearby set of stairs, a group of sillhouettes gathered over Mr. 3's fallen form.

"Ne, Eva-san, do you think that the "3" guy and the woman were mages?"

"Doubtful. Their 'incantations' seem a little too modern".

"In any case, I don't think that we should take them by force. We've got to hurry, though! Negi-bozu is probably looking all over the campus for us right now!"

"Remind me again why I'm going back to that wretched academy? I've still got a whole twenty-four hours before the spells wear off!"

"If we stay here, you might never see blood again!"

"... holy crap! We've got to get them quick!"

With Zoro...

The swordsman was now wandering aimlessly... not a good sign. He had passed through this hallway for the 20th time, and he still couldn't find any stairs!

"That's it! To hell with being 'civilized'!" Zoro whipped out his swords.

"Tatsumaki!"

A giant coiling whirlwind of cutting air blades sliced through the floors above Zoro. The swordsman grinned. He should have though of this sooner!

Meanwhile, on the floor above Zoro...

"Ne, onee-chan, do you think that the others have found them yet?" asked one of the twins.

Before her sister could answer, the floor beneath them gave way. Cutting winds sliced through the tiles and blew up their skirts. Naturally, the twins shrieked, even more loudly so when a man with green hair and three swords jumped through the hole made in the floor.

Zoro sweatdropped at the screaming girls. "Oi, do you know where that douchebag Kahn is?"

One of the girls covered her sister's ears. "Hey, you shouldn't be using language like that in front of children!"

"Well, whatever! What are kids like you doing here anyways?!"

"Oji-san, just take the elevator!" said the sister whose ears were being covered.

Zoro turned his head. "You mean this thing?" He pointed to a nearby elevator. Unsheathing his swords, he slashed through the door.

The twins gasped as Zoro peered at the dark, empty shaft. "Thanks!"

"Wait! You have to..." the sister stopped in mid-sentence as Zoro jumped into the shaft, using his swords as pickaxes to scale it.

With Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper...

"Damn walls! Damn ceiling!" Luffy shouted, hitting a nearby wall for the 30th time. A few minutes earlier, his patience had run out during a skirmish with dub Buggy, and he had broken through to the 19th floor with a "Gomu Gomu no Kazan" **(13)**, then brought Usopp, Chopper, and himself up with a "Gomu Gomu no Rocket".

"Give it up, Luffy!" said Usopp. "We've tried everything!"

"Usopp! Are we going to starve to death in here?" Chopper's voice bordered on hysterical.

Unfortunately, they seemed to be trapped on the 19th floor, as the hole that they had created repaired itself instantly and the ceiling and walls were totally unbreakable. The entire floor seemed to be one big room, and it had no doors, stairs, or elevators.

"Gomu Gomu no Tako!" When Usopp and Chopper turned around, they saw Luffy's limbs outstretched and lying limply on the floor.

"Gomu Gomu no... "

"Wait, Luffy, what are you...

"Tako Hanabi!" **(14)**

The entire room was suddenly filled with a furious storm of outstretched punches and kicks. Everytime a limb hit a wall, it rebounded and headed toward another wall. Unfortunately, everything else in the room was caught in this rampage.

When Luffy finally stopped, Usopp and Chopper were nearly unconcious, covered in lumps, and had blank eyes.

"Luffy... please stop!" Usopp's voice drifted out desperately.

Suddenly, two of the walls crumbled, revealing 2 huge holes, one of which Zoro jumped out of a minute later.

"Hmm? Luffy, what the hell did you do?!" the swordsman roared.

"Zoro! You're here!"

"Where the hell did you run off to?!"

"A mystery place!"

Before Zoro could hit Luffy, Nami and Robin jumped out of the other hole.

"Robin! Nami!" Luffy cried.

"Where are Franky, Brook, Sanji-kun, and the clown?" Nami asked, slightly miffed that Luffy had said Robin's name first.

Suddenly, a huge explosion rattled the room, as a hole was blasted into the floor. The four mentioned appeared in a cloud of smoke.

Joker coughed. "See? I told you that explosives always solve everything!"

"You did not!" Franky and Sanji yelled. "You were dead set against it!"

"Pardon?" Joker held a hand up to his ear. "I'm a little deaf in this ear, dearie. Could you please speak up?"

"Why, I oughta..."

"Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!! So, the Straw Hat Pirates are all here!" laughed a mysterious voice out of nowhere.

"Kahn?!" Luffy yelled. "Come out so that I can kick your ass!"

"You shouldn't swear to your elders, Straw Hat!"

"Where are you?!"

"Right here!" Kahn, in a cliche battle suit, jumped out of nowhere.

"Weren't you on the 20th floor?" asked Joker.

"This IS the 20th floor! There is no nineteenth floor! Miss Zarves teaches there, you know!"

"Whatever!" all the Straw Hats yelled in unison. "Prepare yourself!"

"I should be saying the same to you!"

End of Chapter 8

Now, for the anime refrences from the previous chapter...

Joker incuding the seizures in Kahn's staff is partially from Death Note, partially from Pokemon.

The "Saint Dragon God of Osiris" is the original name for Slifer the Sky Dragon from Yu-Gi-Oh!

Joker's "screw physics!" line comes from YGO: The Abridged Series

The two logs that commented on Nami and Robin's rivalry are Azaka and Kamidake from Tenchi Muyo!

Usopp's lies when he first meets up with Luffy, Zoro, and Chopper and Zoro's mock lie are references to Inuyasha.

The sillhouette that Zoro fights is supposed to be Mugen from Samurai Champloo, after eating the Komori Komori fruit: Model Vampire Bat.

The "place far, far away" is the world of Detective Conan, or Case Closed.

I apologizing for such a long time between updates. But, I had school issues, and, y'know...

**(1) **I made this attack up. Means "Swarming Hornet Meteor Shower".

**(2) **A kappa is a Japanese water demon. For a general idea of what one looks like, look at Golduck from Pokemon.

**(3) **Joker is referring to the legendary "Loveland Frogs", giant frogs reported multiple times to inhabit Loveland, Ohio.

**(4) **Detective Conan, or Case Closed, is a shonen series that 4Kids could've easily gotten their hands on. The premise of the series involves Shinichi/Jimmy Kudo being shrunk into a six-year old by a secret criminal syndicate when they meant to kill him. Living with his childhood friend under the alias "Conan Edogawa" and her dimwitted detective of a dad, Conan solves many cases pretending to be the detective in hopes of one day finding a clue on the syndicate and returning to his sixteen-year old form. In Japan, the series is extremely popular, and is to them what the Simpsons are to Americans. However, despite looking childish, there are few storylines that don't involve murder, and the clues often involve either bloodstains, alcohol, lighters/cigerettes, or knowledge of Japanese characters or customs.

Negima is a harem series, also extremely popular in Japan and childish looking. 4Kids would certainly have an easier time butchering this anime, which involves 10-year old Negi Springfield, a mage, teaching at the all-female academy of Mahora. Most of the girls in the class that he teaches have a crush on him, which he is oblivious of most of the time. Though it is comedic and has magical battles most of the time, Negima also has a huge amount of fanservice, some of which is central to the plot. Since two anime series were produced, 4Kids would most likely pick up the second one, which is meant for younger audiences even in Japan and has minimal perverted material.

**(5) **Is the Japanese term for "Class Representative".

**(6) **Means "Golden Leopard Sphere".

**(7) **I made this attack up. Means "Cheating Strike".

**(8) **Means "Gavel" or "Mallet".

**(9) **"Flanchet" is French for meat from an animal's stomach area.

**(10) **"Menton" is French for chin.

**(11) **A pun on words (at least in the manga). Though "Extra" can be taken to mean "extra", it is writen with the characters for "premium quality" in the manga, referring to the Hache (Mincemeat).

**(12) **Tako means octopus. Refers to when Mr. 2 was in the Spiders Cafe during the early stages of the Arabasta arc and ordered an octopus parfait.

**(13)** Means "Volcano".

**(14) **Means "Octopus Fireworks".

My fingers would appreciate reviews... ow.


	9. The colossal clash

Disclaimer (Brook): Yohohoho! RLS does not own One Piece!

Me: Thank god you're the last Straw Hat! Start Chapter!

"Gomu Gomu no Pistol!"

"Oni Giri!"

"Cyclone Tempo!"

"Usopp Hammer!"

"Collier Shoot!"

"Heavy Gong!"

"Seis Fleur Twist!"

"Strong Right!"

"Gavotte Bond en Avant!"

Kahn stepped out, not a scratch on him, in his huge, clunky battlesuit. "Y'know, maybe this isn't such a good idea..." the evil overlord stated. After all, the bigger the armor was, the more area it gave the subjects of his butchering to hit. Kahn pushed a button on the midsection of his battlesuit, and in an instant, the armor shrunk down into the size of a normal human.

In other words, instead of looking like a mecha, Kahn now looked like an old, bespectacled Mega Man in purple armor.

"Stay back, guys!" Luffy commanded in a tone that half the crew swore they had never heard him use before. "I've got dibs on him!"

For half a second, Zoro tensed at his captain's tone... before brandishing his three katana menacingly. "What's that supposed to mean?! If anyone should hit him first, it's me!"

"Like hell, marimo!" Sanji interjected. "I'm the one with the nasal Brooklyn accent!"

"Yeah, but I'm the one with gray blood!"

"Ahem, excuse me," three heads turned to look at Joker. "But seeing as how I have anything to do with this, may I go?"

The "Big Three" of the Straw Hats shrugged in unison. "Sure."

"What?!" screamed Franky in protest. "I'm disappointed in you, clown!" The cyborg jammed a huge finger into Joker chest while Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji continued arguing and Usopp and Chopper attempted to interject themselves. "You set up this whole damn thing! I thought you were supposed to be the one that hated 4Kids the most?! What would millions of 4Kids hat-"

BAM!

Nami clenched her fists, having punched everybody (except Robin and Luffy) in the head. "SHUT UP!" The navigator then turned towards Luffy and said sweetly, "You can go first, Luffy-kun!"

Zoro felt like gagging. Usopp and Chopper's jaws fell out, as did Franky's. Sanji curled into a ball and rolled on the tiled floor. Robin felt like snapping Nami's spine... and it was only now that everybody noticed the smoking craters everywhere in the room.

"Were we..." Franky started.

"Seems so," Zoro stated indifferently.

"I bet I dodged more shots than you, marimo!" declared Sanji.

By now, Luffy was already pounding away at the center Kahn's armor with his "Gomu Gomu no Gattling" (ignoring the fact that his face was unprotected). Although he knew it would probably do nothing to Kahn's armor in the long run, it felt good to vent out some frustration at his voice in the 4Kids dub.

"Give him a minute?" inquired Sanji.

"Sounds good to me," answered Zoro.

Luffy swung himself to the side and dodged Kahn's armored hand performing an awkward karate chop, then jumped up and wound up his arm as he descended, stopping when he was level with Kahn's face.

"Gomu Gomu no Rifle!" (That, Luffy thought, was for making him kick Buggy in the foot instead of the nuts).

The impact of that revolving punch smashing Kahn's face probably made millions cheer, but Luffy wasn't done yet.

"Gomu Gomu no Bazooka!" he cried as soon as he descended. In the space of a few seconds, he had stretched his arms far back, dodged a punch that Kahn had hefted with his other hand, then retracted them into a double-palm strike on Kahn's armored torso (and he mentally made a note that this was for the "Zolo, it's time to golo" line).

As soon as he landed on the floor, Zoro and Sanji came rushing and pushed the rubberman out of the way before setting their sights on Kahn.

"For Kuina!" declared Zoro as he spun Wado around in a circle, his other two katana sheathed. This fatass was going to pay for insinuating that Kuina would ever be hurt enough by "some guy and his friends" to "never fight again!".

"For my smokes!" declared Sanji as he tapped a foot on the floor. The smoking thing was something that he had picked up when him and the old fart had first opened up the Baratie, and for it to be changed into a lollipop was... criminal!

"Veal Shot!"

"Itouryu Iai - Shishi Sonson!"

"For 4Kids!" roared Kahn, his right index finger bending open to reveal a star-shaped implement inside. "Star Hanabi!"

The massive fireball that erupted from inside Kahn's finger hit nothing. Zoro and Sanji, on the other hand...

The impacts of Sanji's finisher kick and Zoro's steel-cutting technique alone were brutal, as Mr. 1 and Mr. 2 can testify to. Combined, however... they left Kahn writhing on the floor, coughing up blood.

Kahn got up, and Usopp and Chopper began laughing, and for good reason. The evil overlord's chest armor had a massive gash on it, overlaid with a huge dent.

"Enough!" roared Kahn. "Star Hanabi!"

Several more fireballs were launched at Sanji and Zoro... only to be countered by another stream of fire. When the explosion cleared Sanji and Zoro looked behind themselves, they saw the ship's resident metal man - Franky - breathing out a tiny cloud of smoke.

"Wait a minute," stated Sanji. "Why _are _you getting involved, Franky? Brook? It's not like you're getting dubbed anytime soon!"

Brook adopted a state of calm rage that the Straw Hats had never seen him in. Naturally, more than a few of them were disturbed.

"Laboon," the skeleton swordsman calmly uttered.

Franky immediately burst into tears and whipped his guitar out of nowhere. "It's (sob) a tragedy, really! Me, My beloved town (sob) W-W-Water 7 and all (sob) my pals got left out in that shitload of fuck game, Pirate's Carnival!"

Several of the Straw Hats sweatdropped. Franky, oblivious to this, began strumming his guitar. "The sadness (sob) of being left out!"

"Thorn of Thunderbolt!"

"What the-" BOOM!!

"Franky!" screamed several Straw Hats.

In case you didn't catch that, while everybody was focused on Franky and his song, Kahn had pulled out an incredibly ornate dagger and used it to fire a thunderbolt at Franky. Apparently, in the ancient Chinese world (where Xiaolin Showdown said the Shen Gong Wu were first made), lightning equaled lasers.

Nami rolled her eyes at Franky's scorched body, which looked more pissed than ever while he heaved himself into a standing position. "Well, at least it's his shortest song title so far!" she noted to herself.

"You bastard! Attacking a man while his emotions are at their peak!" screamed Franky (clouds of steam puffed out of his nose at this point).

"Emotion?" sneered Kahn. "When we get to you, there won't be any emotion! Yes, I think that a surfer voice will do..."

"Shut the hell up!" Franky charged blindly at Kahn, peeling off the skin on his right hand as he did so. "Strong Hammer!"

"Reversing Mirror!" In an instant, the octagonal artifact appeared between Franky's fist and Kahn's chest.

Franky grimaced as he felt the impact of his own solid steel punch hit his solid steel chest. "Bastard..."

Kahn merely laughed and backhanded the cyborg, knocking him down.

"Gomu Gomu no Muchi!"

"Wait, Luf-" began Zoro, but it was too late. A yell of "Reversing Mirror!", and Luffy's sweeping kick had knocked himself aside... straight into Robin's ample bosom.

"Huh? Sorry, Robin!" Luffy grinned, apparently too childish to understand what such an opportunity meant.

The reactions from the Straw Hats that had happened a few minutes ago when Nami had acted so sweetly to him were reenacted, with redoubled emotion. Kahn, seizing this opportunity, shot another round of fireballs at them. Zoro and Sanji, being Zoro and Sanji, swerved out of the way while arguing at the same time. Franky inflated his arm (yelling "Hoshi Shield!" in the process) to protect the rest of the Straw Hats.

Not even remotely bothered by the scorch marks on his forearm, Franky's left hand swung open like a door hinge, revealing the inside of his arm to be framed with metal, a huge hole in the center with four smaller ones above it.

"WEAPONS LEFT!!"

The roar of deafening gunfire filled the room as bullets shot out of the four smaller holes. Though the tiny metal balls scored direct hits on Kahn dozens of times over, they only ricocheted off of his armor. Kahn, bemused, walked slowly towards Franky, apparently not feeling a thing.

Then, with a deafening BOOM, a black blur shot out of Franky's opened arm, heading right towards Kahn. Showing more agility than his age (and weight) would hint at, Kahn jumped over the projectile (which exploded in the background) and dived at Franky.

Franky didn't give a hint of any intention to budge an inch. Instead, he took a deep breath and puffed out his cheeks. "Master Nail!"

"Reversing Mirror!"

The shower of nails that Franky spat out came flying back at him, causing the cyborg to scream in pain as they embedded themselves into his face. Kahn, still diving towards Franky, took advantage of the distraction and punched him in the chest.

Franky slid back a few feet, grimacing, but stood his ground. Kahn did a backflip and landed a few feet away from him... only to be struck by an unseen force that pushed him forward.

"Aubade Coup Droit," Brook smiled.

"Thorn of Thund-" CLANG!

Kahn stared, bewildered, as Brook's shikomizue made contact with the Thorn of Thunderbolt and sent it clattering to the ground. Equally bewildering was when the dagger vanished into a shower of sparks.

"What the..." the evil overlord muttered.

"Yohoho! These treasures must be returing to their rightful owners!" exclaimed Brook.

"You'll pay for that!" Kahn roared. His index finger opened up again. "Star Ha-"

"Swing Arm!" A cackle of lightning and a scream of pain ensued seconds later.

Kahn turned around, seeing Nami with the Perfect Clima-Tact in hand. The top third of the staff (the Thunder Pole) was spinning in the air dangerously, connected to a chain that connected to the rest of the staff.

"Ah, Nami-san is so cute when she kicks ass!" Sanji swooned.

Next, showing bravery (or stupidity) that she has shown few times before, Nami reached down and plucked the Star Hanabi from inside Kahn's still-open index finger.

"I wonder how much I'll get for thi- HEY!" Nami's musings turned into a shriek as the star disappeared as well.

"No matter," snarled Kahn. "I've got plenty of other things to destroy you with!" With a flick of his right hand, three golden claws appeared. "Golden Tiger Claws!"

"Damn! It's that teleporting thing that he used on the clown's island!" exclaimed Zoro as Kahn leapt into the portal. He, Sanji, and Luffy all dived for the disappearing Kahn, but missed him by a tenth of a second.

Seconds later, another portal appeared, this time above the Straw Hats. Out jumped Kahn, his right hand twirling what appeared to be a snake.

"Lasso Boa-Boa!" declared Kahn. The "snake", tied into a lasso, immediately rushed towards the nearest Straw Hat (which happened to be Luffy) and bound him tightly.

Silence followed, punctuated by Luffy's "choking".

"Can't (KOFF) breathe! Bones... being... crushed..."

"LUFFY!" Chopper and Usopp exclaimed.

Zoro calmly walked over to the panicking captain, placed a hand on the lasso, and tossed it off in one fluid motion. "Honestly... you're made of rubber, for God's sake!"

"Wha...? Oh, yeah!"

Simultaneous anime fall...

"Golden Tiger Claws!" declared Kahn again. Another portal appeared where he clawed the air, which he entered head first. This turned out to not be such a good idea, for just as his booted feet began to disappear, a hook attached itself to the sole of his foot.

"I did it! I did it! Behold the power of the great Captain Ussssssooooooooooooooooppp!!" Usopp screamed. Indeed, his "Usopp AAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAAaaahhh!" had attached itself to the bottom of Kahn's foot, and dragged him into the portal as well.

"Usopp!" Luffy outstretched his arm to grab his crewmate, but it was too late, and the portal closed.

Silence...

A portal appeared on the other side of the room, out of which Kahn and Usopp tumbled. Kahn got up first, and hefted a kick into Usopp's gut that sent him flying across the room.

"Usopp!" cried Chopper. By now, the furry doctor would usually have done some fighting, but since he had eaten a Rumble Ball only a few hours ago, he could not eat another one now, lest he risk losing control of his forms.

"I'm so useless..." the tiny pirate began to sob.

"Hey, kid..." Chopper turned around and came face to face with Joker.

Every head in the room turned. "Didn't you just leave?" asked Nami.

Joker merely shrugged. "Do you see a way out? 'Cause I don't! Anyways..." the clown hefted up a blue backpack marked with a white "X".

Chopper gasped and looked on his back. Sure enough, his backpack was missing.

"Give it back!" Chopper roared, morphing into Heavy Point. Joker nonchalantly opened the backpack, took out two yellow spheres, and tossed them into Chopper's open mouth with a flick of his wrist.

The jaws of everyone in the room hit the floor... except Usopp's, who was already on the floor.

Meanwhile, outside the building...

To say that the 4Kids dudes were being slaughtered would be an understatement. They were being killed in every way imaginable - sliced to ribbons (various swordsmen), poisoned (Don Krieg), dehydration (Crocodile), burned alive (Don Krieg - again), eaten alive (Wapol), electrocuted (Eneru), skewered in the heart (Arlong), strangled (Paulie), frozen and shattered (Aokiji), blown to bits (various explosive users), or just plain getting pummeled (everyone else).

"You flashy bastards better have your flashy life insurance paid up!" screamed Buggy. He was plunging his daggers into anyone withing reach, be they friend or foe. And by friend, we mean anyone that's not a 4Kids employee.

"I'll show you 'sent to the dungeon'!" screamed Bellemere. The former marine smashed her rifle over the skull of a 4Kids secretary.

"'Desert Doo-Doo' this!" roared Crocodile somewhere on the other side of 4Kids island. The former head of Baroque Works conjured up a massive sandstorm in his hand that buried alive several dozen 4Kids goons at once.

"Crap, our water guns aren't working!" said one 4Kids executive, trembling his overpriced shoes.

"Here!" said another guy. "Try this!" He handed the executive what looked like a showerhead... hammer... thing... mounted on a spring.

Two quick slashes faster than the eye could see, and both were taken down. A young man with shoulder length blond hair wearing sunglasses leaped over the fallen bodies, wielding a pair of Kurai knives.

"Man," Helmeppo muttered. "I know that I wasn't much back in the days when father was in the marines, but even I wouldn't use _that_!"

Over to the other side...

"Auuggghhh!!!!!" a 4Kids executive as Mr. 2 effortlessly lifted him up by the collar and sent him flying with a palm strike.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!!!" the okama laughed dementedly. "I do declare, it is so good to stretch my legs once in a while!"

The always humorless Mr. 1 turned around, an annoyed expression on his face. "I hope you're not implying that we're going back to that pris-" His words were cut short as an enormous chunk of concrete plunged from the sky, missing him by inches.

Mr. 2 looked up towards the top of the building. The sun got into his eyes, but it was soon dimmed out... by more chunks of falling concrete.

"RUUUUUUN!!!!!!!" screamed the ballerina as he dashed away from the main building as quickly as possible. Everybody else followed suit.

Atop the 4Kids building...

A cry that seemd like a mix between a bear roar and a werewolf howl filled the now roofless twentieth floor. A twenty-foot... thing with hair several feet long, glowing red eyes, and a rectangular body emerged from the dust.

"CHOPPER?!" screamed nearly all of the Straw Hats.

"What the hell..." muttered Sanji.

"Oh boy..." grumbled Franky.

"Not again!" gasped Nami.

Even Kahn looked a bit disturbed, but he quickly hid it.

"You think that being bigger will make you badder?!" laughed Kahn. "Golden Tig- huh?"

Kahn looked at his armored hand; a second hand had sprouted out of his wrist and, before he could recover from the shock, took the Golden Tiger Claws off and tossed them over his shoulder. Kahn turned around, furious, and saw Nami, her tongue stuck out, holding the teleportation device, and Robin, her arms crossed, smiling.

"You shouldn't flash gold in front of pirates!" Nami taunted. The claws vanished before she had even completed the sentence.

"You little... I'll destroy all of you!" bellowed Kahn. From out of nowhere, the evil overlord drew an ornate saber, amber colored with a tassel handing from the handle. "Sword of the..."

SMASH!!!!!!!

Monster Chopper's massive hand had swatted Kahn across the room and over the wall behind him. Kahn fell twenty stories below, screaming all the while.

"Damn," muttered Luffy. "I wanted to finish that bastard off!"

"Idiot!" screamed Zoro. "We've got bigger problems right now!" He was referring to, of course, the monstrosity that the Straw Hats' doctor had turned into, which was now looking at them with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Uh, he wouldn't hurt us, would he?" Brook asked, a hint of nervousness in his voice.

"I wouldn't bet on that!" Franky exclaimed. "When the reindeer turned into that thing on Enies Lobby, he tried to do me in after beating the shit out of whoever he was fighting!"

"We're dead..." muttered Usopp, now apparently playing dead on the floor. "So very, very, dead..."

"Never say die!" declared a voice quite a distance away from the Straw Hats. Seconds later, a rainbow-colored streak dashed through the sky, revealing Kahn floating in the air, holding what appeared to be a pair of bronze-colored, mechanical-looking wings in one hand.

"Oh, great!" groaned Franky. "This guy can fly too?"

"AWESOME!" screamed Luffy, stars shooting out of his eyes. "I want one!"

Zoro slapped his forehead. "Concentrate on taking him down first!"

"What? Oh, yeah! Gomu Gomu no Pistol!" A fist launched toward the flying Kahn. Kahn laughed and zoomed around it... which was exactly what Zoro had been waiting for.

"San-Juu-Roku Pound Hou!" declared Zoro. A spiraling air current sped toward Kahn, who laughed again and flew up, avoiding the attack... and getting slammed by Monster Chopper's massive hoof-fingered hand again.

Sanji leapt at the opportunity (literally) and delivered a flying kick that sent Kahn flying in the opposite direction. Franky received the flying Kahn with a solid steel-coated punch, which sent Kahn flying toward Brook. The gentleman skeleton parried Kahn with the tip of his sword, sending Kahn flying straight up... into Monster Chopper's fist, which sent him straight down into the floor this time.

To add insult (and more injury) to injury, Robin sprouted six arms on the sides of Kahn's helmet. With a "Seis Fleur Slap!", the arms began to move so quickly that they became a blur. When the arms stopped moving and vanished in a burst of flower petals, Kahn's face was covered with bruises the size of tangerines.

Luffy marched up to the beaten Kahn and grabbed him by the shoulders, slamming him into a nearby wall. Kahn whimpered as Luffy's face split into a wide but creepy grin.

"Gomu Gomu no....." Luffy began, stretching his arms back as far as they could go.

"No, please!"

"BAZOOKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

End of Chapter 9

Yeah. I know. It's been a century since I've been updated. I've got no excuse for this, and I'm very sorry to all of you. I'll try to do better in the future.


	10. The sinister secret

Disclaimer (Al Kahn): RLS does not own One Piece. I do though, and- (SMASH!) I mean, _used_ to.

The Strawhat crew stared at the giant hole in the wall. The man who had ruined their franchise was gone... now what?

"ROOOAAAAAARRRR!!!!!!!!!"

First things first, the rampaging Chopper-zilla needed to be taken care of. Franky sighed, inflated both his arms, and delivered a "Coup de Vent" into the rampaging man-animal. The blast knocked the rampaging Chopper over the walls of the twentieth floor and straight into the sea.

"Can someone else get him this time?" Franky requested. "I've barely got enough cola to walk now!"

"On it," Zoro stated. The green-haired swordsman leapt over the wall to the ground twenty stories below. From above the walls, the Straw Hats could see him running through a massive crowd to the shore.

"Well..." Luffy started. "We've won!"

Instantly, the crew broke out in cheers. The man who had buried their franchise alive was dead and gone. Everybody was in a good mood... except Joker. The clown's head was tilted so that a shadow fell over his eyes, making him appear even more sinister.

==Meanwhile, with Zoro==

Zoro was walking back towards the main building, an unconscious Chopper (in Brain Point) slung over his shoulder. The green-haired swordsman ignored the many stares and whispers that came his way as he moved toward a knot of people crowded around something.

"Oi, move!" the swordsman requested. The crowd seemed to take no notice of him. Irritated, Zoro squeezed himself in and saw a body lying in the center, in a crater around ten feet wide. The armor was smoking, but Zoro could still see Kahn's face...

... except it wasn't Kahn's.

Most of the armor had shattered, revealing a plain gray business suit underneath. On the breast pocket name tag, Zoro made out the smudged words "HELLO, MY NAME IS ROGER SLIFER".

A very shaken swordsman dashed back to the main 4Kids building at top speed.

==Back with the Straw Hats==

"Come on, clown! Tell us how to get back to the party island!" laughed Luffy.

Ten seconds passed before Joker replied. "You won't be getting back there." And for the first time in hours, his mouth curved into a wide smile.

"Wha...?" Luffy scratched his head. Just then, a green blur streaked past the two of them, revealing...

"Zoro!" Luffy yelled in joy. "CHOPPER!!!!" the child-minded captain added in concern. Zoro got up from his crouching position and placed Chopper gently on the floor.

At the same time, "Joker's" hair began to shrink back into his skull. At the same time, his chin began to retract, and his overall height decreased rapidly.

The Straw Hats gasped and took a step back in shock. Even Luffy looked a bit unnerved.

"Joker" now looked a lot less like himself. He had a round, bald, egg-shaped head, and several silver whiskers on his chin. His purple clothes seemed one size too large for who was standing in them right now.

"KAHN?!" yelled Sanji.

"What the hell?" murmured Franky.

"Then who was that guy..." began Usopp.

"We just beat the shit out of?!" continued Nami.

Kahn laughed, produced a pair of glasses out of his pocket, and put them on. "Man, does it feel good to be me again!"

"If you were Clown-san all this time," said Robin. "Then you had a hundred chances to do us in the entire time. Why didn't you?"

"Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! I never intended to kill you people! Don't you know? Your dub selves were cloned from your bodies! They wear out about every few weeks, so I have to keep you alive to get a good supply of DNA!"

"And the Rumble Balls?"

"Since you were having so much trouble with ol' Slifer, I decided to give you a little boost! That guy was always a pain in my side, anyhow..."

Robin still looked dissatisfied. "What about all those 4Kids employees you personally killed?"

Kahn laughed even harder. "I was planning to fire them all anyhow! I figured that since it's costing too much to bring on new VAs, I would have to cut some losses!"

"So you killed your own nakama?"

"What's a nakama? If you mean friends, sur"-SMASH!!!

Luffy's fist plowed into the side of Kahn's head. As Kahn went rolling across the floor, Luffy cracked his knuckles menacingly.

"YOU BURY OUR FRANCHISE ALIVE, MADE A MOCKERY OF MY NAKAMA, AND KILLED YOUR OWN NAKAMA?!"

"Pretty much! And there's not a single thing you can do about it! Not... with _these_." Kahn held up three rectangular cards in his hand. Everyone sweatdropped.

"You're going to beat us with children's playing cards?" asked Usopp, barely keeping in his laughter.

"I was planning to use these to power that battlesuit you saw Slifer in, but I figured that this is one of the few things that should be enjoyed..." Kahn threw the cards down his mouth. "As it should have been".

Almost instantly, the ground began to rumble. Fissures began to split apart the island, and all the buildings started to crumble. Kahn's eyes turned into a deep shade of crimson as his teeth lengthened into needle-like fangs.

"OBELISK THE TORMENTOR!!!!"

Next, the sun was near-instantly hidden behind ominous-looking gray storm clouds. Bolts of lightning began to erput from the sky, and wild winds swept through the now-desolate 4Kids headquarters. Kahn's body was enveloped in light as his height began to rise until he towered over the Strawhats.

"SLIFER THE SKY DRAGON!!!!"

Finally, the aforementioned fissures began to spew molten lava and jets of white-hot fire. From the building, the Strawhats could see the ocean in the far distance, and it too, was bubbling and steaming as if it had turned into a pot of boiling water. Kahn was now rising into the sky, shining with blinding brilliance.

"THE WINGED DRAGON OF RA!!!!"

The light dissipated... but what the Strawhats saw made them wish it had stayed.

Kahn, now hovering twenty or thirty feet in the air, had become a colossus at least forty feet tall. The top half of said being was all muscle, with a demon-like face (complete with horns, red eyes, and sharp teeth), arms as thick as that of the zombie giant Oz, and skin a shiny blue hue to boot. The bottom half was that of a massive serpent, scales a bright scarlet and the underside jet-black. A row of spikes running down the tail alone seemed at least six feet long. Lastly, massive wings the color of molten gold spread out behind the monster, seeming wider than the beast itself. There was something vaguely bird-like about the wings, as if they were covered with feathers... glinting, sharp-looking feathers that could probably slice a man to ribbons, that is.

Meanwhile, on the rest of the island...

The rest of the partygoers were in pandemonium. A massive wave of people ran to the shore as fast as humanly possible, eager to board their boats and get the hell away from 4Kids Island. Even those who didn't want to go were swept up in the panic, with the threat of being crushed underfoot in they did not move with the rest of the herd.

Buggy, being one of the fastest from years of running from the navy, was one of the first at his/her ship. "Men, hoist the anchor!"

Mihawk, on the other hand, was dragging Shanks by the collar like an annoyed mother. Shanks was protesting that he would like to see what was creating all the hubbub, as he hadn't had any decent fights in a while, but Mihawk merely shook his head.

"This is the Straw Hat boy's fight, Akagami". **(1)**

"WWWWWWAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIITTT UUUUUUUUUUUPPPP!!!!!" Mr. 4 droned as he ran toward the ship that the former Baroque Works had, running as fast as possible... which wasn't saying much.

Back at the twentieth floor...

"But... but... didn't you say you weren't going to kill us?" whimpered Usopp.

"THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT WORD THAT THE ONES WHO REMAINED LOYAL TO ME MANAGED TO DEVELOP A STABILIZING FORMULA!!!!!" thundered Kahn. "I'VE ALREADY GOTTEN THE FINAL SAMPLES OF DNA FROM YOU PEOPLE, SO YOU CAN ALL GO TO HECK NOW!!!!"

"Heck?" muttered Zoro. "You might look bigger, but you've still got the same neutered vocabulary!"

EAT THIS!!!! FIST OF FURY!!!!" Kahn roared. The beast's fist glowed with a bright light as he brought it hurtling towards Zoro. Zoro reacted immediately, jumping off of the edge of the twentieth floor, just out of the punch's reach, but Kahn had a nasty surprise in store for him. The light that the fist was enveloped in shot out as a beam, scoring a direct hit on Zoro.

"ZORO!!!!" cried out Luffy.

Had the punch been straightforward, Zoro's body would have been launched into the boiling sea. But, since Kahn was floating above Zoro, he punched downward, which meant that Zoro was plowed into the ground at 1000 MPH instead. A none-too-small cloud of dust marked the spot where he crashed into.

"Why you...!" Sanji growled. "I'm the only one who gets to do that to marimo!" The chef leapt into the air, his body level with Kahn's face, "Oeil Shoot!" **(2)**

Despite the fact that the demon Kahn's eye alone was bigger than Sanji's foot, it was still one of his more vulnerable spots. The blow temporarily blinded Kahn in the left eye, but with the eye that he could still see out of, he brought his long, whipping tail up to where Sanji was. Sanji was forced to perform a barrel roll in midair to dodge the initial strike, but despite the brunt of the attack missing, the six-foot long spikes still gave him a nasty cut or two.

Sanji groaned in pain and quickly launched himself towards the wall of the 4Kids headquarters, but Kahn was quicker. In an instant, he shot out a massive hand the size of a small mountain and grabbed the cook's leg, then retracted the arm, dangling the cook upside down and holding his primary means of combat between his thumb and forefinger.

"Oh shit."

Not even bothering to use a named attack this time, Kahn tossed Sanji in the air as easily as a child would toss a rag doll and brought one massive blue hand crashing down on his entire body in a karate chop. He then proceeded to push down on Sanji's body with the hand, until both he and the hand smashed into the ceiling-less twentieth floor. The Straw Hats on the roof, watching in awe the entire time, hastily moved aside as the massive blue hand sliced right through the floor... and another... and another...

Finally, there was nothing left to chop but the island itself; Kahn had karate chopped a skyscraper in two, and Sanji along with it.

"SANJI!!!!!!!!!" Luffy yelled for his cook. He turned to Kahn, eyes aflame with rage. "Damn you! Gomu Gomu no..." The rubberman began stretching his arm backwards.

"Luffy!" screamed Usopp. "This isn't the time! This entire building is falling apart!"

Indeed, Luffy might not have noticed in his rage, but the two halves of the skyscraper were already swaying to and fro, threatening to collapse any moment.

"We've got to get out of here!" yelled Franky. "Worry about him later!"

"Yosh! Gomu Gomu no Fuusen!" The inflated Luffy jumped from the roof; his crewmates followed suit.

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?! BLAZE CANNON!!!!" roared Kahn. He opened his massive mouth and launched a stream of fire that dwarfed anything Franky could pull off. Luffy, seeing the attack coming just in time, outstretched his legs and wrapped them around Kahn's serpentine lower half.

At the same time with a cry of "Gomu Gomu no Ami!", he outstretched each of his fingers individually and quickly weaved a grid pattern with them, positioning them right below Usopp, Nami, Robin, Brook, and Franky (who was carrying the still-unconcious Chopper). Once they were all secure inside the makeshift net, Luffy quickly pulled it out of the fire blast's way, missing it by about a second.

Unfortunately, he had miscalculated one thing: where to dispose his crewmates. On instinct, he retracted his fingers, opening the net... and leaving his crewmates about forty feet above the ground with nothing supporting them but the air.

Luckily for the rest of Luffy's crew, the most damage-resistant Straw Has, Usopp, was at the bottom of the net. As a result, when they fell to the ground (right next to a lava-spewing fissure), he took the brunt of the fall, cushioning the rest of the Straw Hats.

As Nami, Robin, Brook, and Franky (carrying Chopper) stood up on slightly wobbly legs, Usopp (face planted firmly into the ground) could be heard letting out a stream of muffled curses that sounded something like "Dammit! Why the hell do I have to be the one who breaks all his freaking bones every time we have an adventure?!"

"Get over it," a voice grumbled.

"Zo-ZORO?!" Nami shrieked.

Indeed, the green-haired swordsman was rising from the spot where Kahn had punched him into and rubbing the back of his head (where a bruise had formed). "If you're going to sail on the Grand Line, what's the fun of not being pushed to your hardest? Besides, I go through worse every day on my way to the bathroom!"

As if by magic, Usopp suddenly sprang from the ground, with only the slightest of bruises (and a few missing teeth) and began yelling at Zoro about how 'Not everybody's a monster like you and Luffy!'

Meanwhile, fifty feet in the air, Luffy, legs still wrapped around Kahn's serpent body, prepared for his first strike against the demon. "Gomu Gomu no Gatling Gun!"

The barrage of punches hit Kahn hundreds of times, as his massive body made for an easy target. However, Kahn only kept hovering in midair, a bemused expression on his face as the punches made contact with him again and again and again. Luffy had obviously caught onto this, because he retracted both arms and unwrapped his legs. As he descended, he lashed an outstretched leg towards Kahn's shoulder with a yell of "Gomu Gomu no Muchi!"

This did no more good than his previous attack; it was as if his foot had lashed into a block of diamond. Kahn merely laughed contemptuously and let loose a second blast of fire at Luffy, which he barely managed to swerve out of the way of. The rubberman, unlike the rest of his crewmates, landed with both feet on the ground.

"What're we gonna do now, shit-captain?" came a voice about twenty feet to the east. For the second time that day, a Straw Hat struck down by Kahn rose once again. Sanji, however, was obviously in worse shape than Zoro, as he walked with a hunched back and a pronounced limp, both of which he was obviously trying to hide in front of his loves.

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting me some cola first! I ain't shit without it in this fight!" Franky exclaimed.

"But Franky, the Thousand Sunny's way out in the sea! There's no way Kahn's going to let you get that far!" Nami tried to reason.

"THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH CHATTER OVER HERE!" Kahn roared. The winged tyrant made a motion as if to sweep his massive tail at the Straw Hats, but somehow, the strike never came. The reason was found soon enough; two massive sets of hands were growing out of the ground, struggling to hold the tail in place. A closer look revealed that they were made up of dozens of individual hands.

"Robin!" Usopp exclaimed, relief written all over his face.

"Oi, Robin, how much longer can you hold him for?" Luffy asked.

"About a few seconds at the most," Robin replied.

"That's enough time," Luffy responded. The rubberman got into a squatting position, one hand curled into a fist plowing into the ground. "Go and get refueled, Franky! I'll cover you!"

The blue-haired cyborg suddenly burst into tears. "You're a noble man, (sniff) captain!"

"Just go already!" Zoro and Sanji yelled at the same time before Franky could whip out his guitar.

Franky nodded and took off toward the Thousand Sunny, carrying Chopper over his shoulder, without any further hesitation. Meanwhile, Luffy's skin had began to turn a pinkish tinge, and steam began to erupt from his body. The rubberman looked up at Kahn, a terrifying grin on his face.

"Gear... Second!"

==At the shore==

Even when he was half a mile away from the rest of the crew and Kahn, Franky could hear the tremors of the humongous battle raging behind him. Once in a while, a stray projectile or a shockwave would come hurtling towards him, and while he dodged most of them, one of Usopp's shuriken had found its way into the small of his back. Needless to say, it hurt like hell.

Well, he was finally at his pride and joy, the Thousand Sunny - the greatest ship he had built to date. The sea here was raging at a level comparable to Grand Line tempests, and the steam erupting from the waves told the shipwright that making contact with the water would probably boil him like a lobster. In fact, even the ground was beginning to scorch his feet, though that may have had something to do with the fact that he seldom wore shoes.

Aiming his fist at the bow figurehead, Franky gave a yell of "Strong Right!" and shot the fist out toward the lion, his hand grabbing firmly onto it. Once he was sure that the chain was secure, Franky retracted it, pulling himself onto the figurehead. Not wasting any more time, the cyborg dropped Chopper off inside the infirmary and made a dash right toward the storeroom...

... and found a figure, bound and gagged, lying among the bottles of cola. He was clearly unconscious, but even when ninety percent of his body was covered by rope, Franky could clearly tell that it was the white-skinned man who called himself Joker.

What the hell was going on around here, Franky decided that he would worry about later. None too carefully, Franky moved the man so that his body was slumped against the wall, opened his stomach fridge, and took out the three empty bottles. He then replaced them with three full bottles.

Approximately one second later, a low humming sound was heard throughout the Thousand Sunny. Approximately one more second later, a yell of "SSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPEEEERRRR!!!!!" filled the air.

==Back to the Battle...==

"Gomu Gomu no Jet Pistol!"

"Hyaku-Hachi Pound Hou!"

"Diable Jambe - Premier Hache!"

The Straw Hats were definitely doing better against Kahn, if only in actually making it budge. In addition to Luffy, Sanji had also activated his "upgraded form", and from what it looked like, Kahn was more vulnerable to elemental attacks than pure physical ones.

"BLAZE CANNON!!!!" thundered Kahn, sending another massive fireball Zoro's way. The agile swordsman leaped out of the way as the attack hit the ground and exploded on contact.

"Hey, watch it!!!!" Nami shrieked.

"This isn't good... mused Robin,"

"Waddaya mean? Those three always pull through in a fight!' said Usopp.

"Indeed," agreed Robin. "But this island is much smaller than most of the ones that they had fought on before, and Kahn's transformation has already weakened it. If they do not wrap this up soon, the entire island may fall apart... and if that happens, we will surely boil to death in the sea."

"Can't we do anything to help them along?" Usopp asked, his entire body shivering now.

"Nothing I can do will hold it in place for long, as you have already witnessed; Your projectiles will probably be useless against it, as not even Luffy's punches can hurt it much, and Nami-san's attacks are much too unpredictable; if it hits Zoro or Sanji-kun, the results will not be pretty."

"What about Brook?"

"He's already up there," Robin said, pointing in a general direction. Usopp turned around and found the spot where Brook was standing a few minutes ago to be bare. Usopp squinted his eyes, and was barely able to make out a black blur dashing from Kahn's shoulders to his neck and back again, striking at every spot to look for a vulnerable area.

"THUNDER FORCE!!!!!" Kahn declared. The ominous purple clouds surrounding him, always having been brimming with white flashes but never producing anything, suddenly sent out a dozen or so enormous lightning bolts crashing to the ground that uncannily resembled Eneru's "Raigoh" technique.

Fortunately, it seemed that Kahn had little to no control over this technique. Either by some stroke of fate or dumb luck, no one was hit by the bolts. That, however, was not necessarily a good thing. The ground began rumbling again, much more powerfully than before.

"The... the entire island is falling apart!" shrieked Usopp.

"We've got to run for it!" Nami rationlized. "But... we can't leave those three here!"

"I have a feeling they'll be fine... after all, when have they ever let us down?" mused Robin.

Nami was about to give a retort consisting of a number of occasions when she had been let down by them, but decided against it. "Fine."

"Gomu Gomu no Jet Bazooka!" Luffy yelled, smashing down both palms on Kahn's left shoulder. Directly opposite him, Zoro was smashing down onto Kahn's right shoulder with a "Tora Gari". Between the two of them, Sanji had aimed a kick straight at Kahn's throat with his blazing leg.

Luffy and Zoro did no more than make Kahn madder, but Sanji had struck gold; Kahn gave roar louder than anything they had heard before and clasped his huge hands to the area where Sanji had left his glowing footprint. Growling, Kahn gave a brutal backhand that Sanji only partially dodged; it had not hit his torso or head, but had instead caught him in the leg. That, however, was enough to send the chef flying several miles toward the coast...

...straight into the Thousand Sunny.

Nami, Usopp, and Robin were treated to a big surprise when they found one very battered cook lying on the deck; evidently, he had been knocked into the mast, which bore a slight dent as proof of this, and slid down into his current position.

Brook, meanwhile, was still climbing along Kahn's enormous body like a mountaineer, occasionally jumping to avoid a swatting hand or fire blast. As Kahn let out yet another "Blaze Cannon", he saw his chance. Quick as a swallow, he dashed into Kahn's still open mouth before it could close, and with all his strength (which, as he noted to himself, he didn't really have much of as he lacked muscle), bravely plunged his blade into the roof of Kahn's mouth.

"AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" The yell of pain was so loud that Brook was blown right out of Kahn's gullet by the sound waves. Temporarily stunned by the noise, he was a sitting duck as he fell from Kahn's mouth, and Kahn took advantage of that.

Bringing one massive hand close to the falling body, Kahn flicked the hapless swordsman with his index finger. That was to say, Brook had just gotten hit with the equivalent of an average "Gomu Gomu no Bazooka".

==Meanwhile, on the Thousand Sunny...==

Everybody who was conscious was holding on for dear life inside the kitchen/dining room; the sea had turned more turbulent than ever. Huge waves crashed against the side of the ship every few minutes, threatening to swallow it whole.

"For the love of God! Can't we set sail?!" wailed Usopp.

"And how do you propose Luffy gets back?!" snarled Nami.

"If we stay here any longer, we'll all die!" Usopp retorted. "Can't we at least unfurl the sails?!"

"In this weather?! We'd get struck down by lightning or blown overboard before we even got close to the ropes!"

SMASH!!!!!

"What was that?!" Nami shrieked.

"Sounded like splintering wood," Robin replied. "Perhaps the ship is falling apart?"

"How dare you?! Are you suggesting that MY Super creation would lose to some pansy storm like this?!" Franky roared. Sanji, who had been lying in the corner, unconscious all this time, suddenly sprang up one hundred percent fine, flames blazing in his eyes.

"STOP THREATENING ROBIN-CHWWAAAAN!!!!!!" the cook roared... before a loud cracking sound emerged from the small of his back. He slumped to the ground, and muttered in a defeated tone, "Not again..."

At that moment, the door to the dining area swung open, revealing one very battered-looking gentleman skeleton. His suit was ripped around the edges, his tie completely cut to shreds, and his face bore several cracks and burn marks.

"Yo... ho... ho..." Brook gasped out before crashing to the floor like a chopped-down tree.

"BROOK!!!!" screamed Usopp, before he noticed something else. "Hey... where's Franky?"

==Back to the Battle... Again==

Luffy and Zoro were both on the ground again, staring intently at the colossus that was Kahn. They had both noticed that the island was falling apart, but as men, they could not leave the battle unfinished. Besides, running would probably make them little more than targets for Kahn. Luffy's Gear Second was going to wear off in about a minute or two, and he was sure that he hardly had the strength to pull off a second one.

"FIST OF FATE!!!!" Kahn screamed again. The island was now in near-total darkness, what little illumination coming from the lava-spewing fissures and the flashes of lightning. Nevertheless, it was easy for Zoro to counter.

"Asura Makyuusen!!!"

Luffy had seen this technique once before, on the Shabondy Archipelago, but it was still amazing to see three torsos and heads growing out of one pair of legs. The three Zoros, each holding three swords, appeared for but a second, before suddenly vanishing from sight.

For one second, nothing happened. Then, Kahn let out a monstrous roar as nine huge gashes appeared on his massive hand, arranged like the blades of a pinwheel.

"WHY YOU...!!!!!!!"

Before Kahn could do anything, a series of explosions covered his huge head. Luffy strained his eyes, looking up to see none other than his speedo-wearing shipwright, Franky, standing on Kahn's shoulder. His left hand was bent open, revealing a hole that lead into his hollow arm.

"Am I too late, Strawhat-niichan?" Franky asked, grinning. Luffy gave a smile of his own in response and placed his thumb into his mouth.

"GEAR... THIRD!!!!"

Franky cocked an eyebrow as he jumped down from Kahn's shoulder and approached his captain. "What are you gonna do?"

"My thoughts exactly," Zoro stated from behind. Luffy swiveled his head around in surprise.

"I've got an idea. Push him towards me as much as possible, alright?"

"What?! Why?"

"Luffy grinned as he inflated both of his hands. "I'm gonna make that greedy bastard cough up everything he stole from us!"

"BLAZE CANNON!!!!!"

All three Strawhats pulled themselves out of the fireball's way. "Better do it fast!"

Kahn let loose a double punch this time, despite the gashes on his left hand. This proved to backfire, however, as Zoro and Franky each dashed up one of this outstretched arms, and, from his shoulders, propelled themselves into the air.

Kahn was about to attack the two, but a "HEY, SNAKE-ASS!!!!" yell from Luffy changed his mind. Kahn swung his massive tail at Luffy, who simply jumped up and dodged it entirely. The same, however, could not be said for the island, which finally fell apart from the weight of the massive tail smashing into it. Behind Kahn's massive form, Luffy could just barely see Zoro and Franky descending, Franky with both of his beefy arms inflated and pointing at Kahn, and Zoro with two of his three swords held above his head.

"I'LL SILENCE YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!!" Kahn roared, completely oblivious to the fact that Zoro and Franky were preparing his own attacks.

"Coup de..."

"Hyaku-Hachi..."

With his roar, Kahn let out a final burst of fire. This one, however, was unlike all the rest, as while it headed towards Luffy, it shaped itself into a phoenix, not unlike Usopp's "Firebird Star". As the bird-shaped blast of fire hurled towards Luffy, it opened its "mouth" and let out a blood-curdling screech. Undeterred, Luffy flipped his body out of the way, passing just beneath the phoenix and extending his massive hands behind him as much as possible.

"VENT!!!!"

"POUND HOU!!!!"

Kahn was shocked, to say the least, when he felt two currents of wind smash into his back, propelling him towards Luffy. Luffy, his eyes squeezed shut from the pressure he was exerting on his body, stopped outstretching his massive hands and said, "Gomu Gomu no..."

Kahn hurtled at Luffy at a speed none too slow, but the rubberman still waited, until the moment it seemed certain that the behemoth would crash into him.

"GIGANTIC JET BAZOOKA!!!!!!!!!!"

For an instant, Luffy's arms vanished. Then, they reappeared into Kahn's stomach with a sonic boom that ruptured the entire sea for a mile. Time seemed to stand still from the sheer force of the attack, as even the crashing waves and lightning strikes seemed to silence. The only sound was the sound of Kahn gagging, his mouth stretched wide.

And then, three tiny rectangles fell out of Kahn's mouth and into the boiling, churning sea. Horror registered in Kahn's eyes before he was enveloped in a flash of blinding light. This flash was much shorter than the one that occurred when he swallowed the cards, and when it was gone, an ordinary, overweight, bespectacled old man was falling toward the sea.

As the exhausted Luffy, Zoro, and Franky descended, none of them noticed that the phoenix suddenly curved around in a sharp turn and headed for Luffy again. It was only when the blast of fire was inches away from the rubberman that he managed to pull himself out of the way. This, unfortunately, meant that Kahn was now the only thing in its way.

Wait, did I say unfortunately? I meant fortunately.

Unfortunately (and this time, I mean it), the shock of the battle had completely torn 4Kids Island apart, and the chunks of earth were crumbling apart even further in the sea. Luffy, too exhausted to even notice, plunged towards it like a stone.

Luckily, his two crewmates were nowhere near their limit. Positioning their bodies so that they would hit the water before their hammer of a captain, Zoro and Franky landed in the sea with a none-too-small splash, held out their hands, and caught the semi-conscious Luffy.

The two men were just about to swim back to the Thousand Sunny (itself anchored not far away; they were thankful for their crewmates' faith in them) when something else plunged into the water nearby.

It was Kahn, his burnt and charred body nearly unrecognizable.

"Waddaya reckon?" Franky asked "Definitely the real one?"

Zoro gave a small nod. "Let's head back. I'm tired as hell!"

End of Chapter 10

**(1) **Means "red hair".

**(2) **Means "eye (singular) shoot" in French.

Lo and behold, I'm still alive! I've gotten my first constructive review in my brief career, and I've been dwelling on it. I have improved my writing style over the past months, but I don't think I'll be showing it in this fic. Why? Because I think that the change in writing styles would be too polarizing. Besides, I've managed to work up a reason for the one-dimensional writing in this fic.

Also, to the guy who gave me the constructive review: I'm sorry, but Blackbeard will have to stay a voice cameo. You'll find out why at the end.


	11. The great game

Disclaimer (Me): I do not own One Piece. And yes, I've pretty much run out of clever ideas for disclaimers.

Back at Joker Island, it was sunset, the party was going stronger than ever. The news of the Straw Hats triumphing over Kahn had double the partying spirit for most of the people - even ones who haven't been dubbed yet. However, abut a dozen or two characters, most of them villains, were in quite a sour mood, stemming from the fact that they had not been the ones to defeat Kahn, coupled with the fact that for some of them, their most hated enemies were still alive.

"I'm guessing that this is mandatory?" Sanji grumbled as she watched Luffy stuff himself full of meat at the buffet table.

"Seems so," Zoro replied, placing a bottle of beer to his lips and draining it in one swallow. However, his word fell on deaf ears, as Sanji had seen a couple of pretty ladies walk past, and was trying to court them. "Loser."

Franky was strumming his guitar and creeping out most people who got close enough to him to see that he was half naked. Brook was going around asking random women if he could see his panties. Chopper, having finally woken up and recovered from his Monster Point romp, was helping himself to sweets at the refreshment counter. It seemed that everyone was having a good time - but where were the two women of the Straw Hat crew?

For a minute, Zoro thought that they were with Luffy, but remembered that Luffy was stuffing himself at the buffet table alone. Then, it struck him that he did not even see the two leave the ship. And come to think of it, where was Usopp? It seemed like a perfect time for him to tell one of his tall tales or ten.

==In the girls' cabin on the Thousand Sunny...==

"Come on, Nami, you'll wither away to nothing if you stay in there any longer!" pleaded Usopp, knocking on the door. He held a plate of food in his hands.

"Go away!" Nami sobbed from inside her locked room.

"Kokaishi-san, there's nothing to be ashamed of!" Robin said. She was standing right by Usopp, and she knew why Nami was in this state - the love potion that she had swallowed previously had caused her to do some... OOC things, which, for the sake of not getting an "M" rating, will not be mentioned.

"Easy for you to say!"

Robin closed her eyes and sighed. "All right then..."

There was silence, followed by a shriek of horror, and then, to Usopp's bewilderment, laughter, mixed with gasps for breath.

"Ro -Hahaha!!!!- Robin!!! I -Haha!!- If you don-Hahahahahahah!!!- If you don't stop - Hahaha!!! - I swear to god - Hahaha!!!"

A tickling tactic? He would never understand the way that women's minds worked, Usopp decided with a sweat-drop. Setting the plate down on the floor gently, he turned and ran, not wanting to face an exceptionally angry Nami.

As he ran up the stairs leading above deck, he heard a bump and a groan, echoed in the corridor, from far away. Instantly, he felt all the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. It was probably nothing... right?

A louder bump. Followed by the sound of something pounding against wood. Usopp was now really scared. Did someone with a grudge against the crew hide inside here, waiting to slit their throats while they slept?

Next, muffled screams. Where the heck was Robin, and why couldn't she hear any of the noise? Unless...

"It's alright-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Usopp screamed as he shot 10 feet into the air and bumped his head against the ceiling.

"It's alright!" Robin repeated. Usopp panted as he felt his heart beat against his ribcage. Easy for her to say, he thought bitterly. She had been living in nightmarish conditions for her entire life! "It was just clown-san."

It was then Usopp noticed the man behind Robin, and with a jolt, he remembered that it was the same man that Kahn took the form of the one who called himself "Joker". Chalk-white skin, jet-black hair with a streak of green, red irises... Unlike the disguised Kahn, however, he was dressed in nothing but a sleeveless undershirt and polka-dotted boxers. His face, in contrast to the creepy smile that the fake Joker wore, was in a scowl.

"Ya done gawking, Pinocchio?" the man asked gruffly.

"Whe-where did you-"

"That fat bastard Kahn tied me up and threw me in the storage hold!" Joker snarled before Usopp could even finish.

"So you didn't host the party and the awards ceremony...?"

"What awards ceremony?!"

Without another word, the man pushed his way past Usopp and climbed up the stairs. Hesitantly, Usopp began to follow him, with Robin bringing up the rear. But the sound of a door opening somewhere down the corridor caused them to stop.

"What's going on?" Nami asked grumpily. Her eyes were red from crying.

"Long story," Usopp said. "I'll tell you about it when we get to the island."

"Why should I go?!"

"The awards ceremony isn't finished yet, and-AAAUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!" Usopp yelled as Nami all but dragged him up the steps, beli signs in her eyes.

Women, he decided, were a mystery that even God couldn't crack.

==At the Awards Ceremony==

Joker was standing at the podium, now fully clothed in a get-up identical to the one that Kahn had donned, and was holding an envelope in one hand and a razor-sharp playing card in the other.

"And the award for coolest swordsman goes to..."

Zoro crossed his fingers.

"Mihawk!"

"Goddammit!" Zoro cursed. To add insult to injury, Mihawk merely gave a small nod, as if he didn't care at all.

Just then, Nami dashed inside the building, Usopp and Robin in tow. "Are (huff) we (puff) too late?!"

"Yep," Zoro said, bemused. "He's already started giving out awards!"

Nami grumbled and settled down in a seat close to Zoro. Usopp and Robin followed suit.

"Mister Mihawk? Please come up to receive your prize," Joker called from the podium. Mihawk stayed put, crossed his arms, and from the looks of it, nodded off to sleep. Even from where he sat, Zoro felt Joker shoot out a beam of killing intent.

"Alright... if that's how you want it..." Winding his arm up like a baseball pitcher, Joker threw the trophy (itself in the shape of a humanoid figure wielding a sword) towards Mihawk.

It happened in an instant, but their was a _shing_ sound, and the heavy trophy found itself flying a few feet into the air before landing in Mihawk's outstretched hand. It was only then that everybody noticed that he had his massive blade out.

Joker, apparently embarrassed, gave a small cough and picked up another envelope from a pile on the ground. "The award for Most Badass Character goes to... Roronoa Zoro!"

Applause filled the room. Zoro got up and walked toward the podium to receive the trophy... and the minute he saw it, his face contorted in disgust.

"What the hell is this?!" he roared as he picked up the ass-shaped trophy.

"Seems fitting for you, marimo!" Sanji called out from somewhere in the audience, snickering. A vein popped onto Zoro's forehead.

"Ya wanna fight, dartboard-brow?!" Unsheathing his three katana, Zoro leapt right into the general direction where he heard Sanji's voice, scattering everyone sitting there except Sanji.

Nami pinched the spot between her eyebrows and made a motion to get up and quell the fight, but before she had taken a single step, Joker pressed a button on the podium. Instantly, the floor where Zoro and Sanji was bounced up, showing the massive spring underneath, and sent the two men crashing through the ceiling.

"Right..." Joker stated, while everybody else clapped and sweat-dropped. "The award for biggest douchebag goes to... Saint Charloss of the Tenryubito!"

"What?!" roared Spandam. "He wasn't even on the ballot!"

"He qualifies as 'other!'" Joker stated dismissively. Saint Charloss, meanwhile, slowly rode up to the podium on the back of a new slave.

"You call this an award?! Who do you think I am?!" the World Noble yelled as he received the trophy, in the shape of a bag with a tube arching around and inserting into the side of the base (the area of intersection was shaped suspiciously like a pare of lips). "You will pay for this!"

At that moment, the biggest douchebag in One Piece history whipped out his flintlock, but Joker calmly reached for the flower pinned to his lapel and squeezed it. A stream of acid spurted out and melted the flintlock - and from the sounds of it, part of Saint Charloss' hand as well.

Not waiting for him to retaliate, Joker then reached for a lever on the floor that appeared out of nowhere. The floor between Saint Charloss suddenly opened into a trapdoor, into which the World Noble fell with a scream. His slave, not wanting to meet the same fate as his master, scurried out of sight.

"The award for hottest female goes to... uh-oh..."

Nami's head jerked towards the podium at the sound of 'uh-oh'. This was practically the only award she could possibly win!

"Um, there appears to be a tie..." Joker stated, rubbing the back of his head nervously. "Between Miss Nami, Miss Robin, and Miss Doublefinger. But don't worry, we've got a perfect solution for that!"

At that, Joker held out his hand, and someone off-screen handed him a lightsaber. Holding it gingerly in his hands, Joker sawed the trophy (in the shape of a shapely woman dressed in nothing but a two-piece swimsuit) into thirds, and not very equal ones, at that.

The three were not amused.

Half a minute later, Joker found himself running for his life from two very angry women. Robin, while a bit miffed, merely sat back and watched the scene. Approximately five minutes later, Joker's head popped up from the floor, from the same trapdoor that he had dropped Saint Charloss into. He nervously glanced around for a bit before clambering back up to the podium.

"Wait, where are Nami and that blue-haired lady?" Usopp asked loudly.

"Locked outside."

"How did-"

"The award for coolest Devil fruit power," Joker said loudly, drowning Usopp out. "Goes to... Miss Nico Robin!"

Amid catcalls and whistles, Robin sprouted a line of arms leading all the way up to the podium, grabbed the trophy (in the shape of a fruit bowl) and passed it down the aisle, finally getting it into her real hands without even getting up.

"Now, you'll probably be wondering how I'm going to award the trophy to a single person for this next category..." Joker started. "But first, I'll announce the winner: The award for worst 4Kids edit (singular) goes to... the poison suction cup darts!"

Everyone grimaced at the memory.

"Since it was a Krieg edit, he'll be getting it!"

After Krieg came up and got his trophy (in the shape of the 4Kids logo), Joker announced the next category: Worst 4Kids edit (general).

"The award for that goes to... the cutting out of roughly thirty percent of the series! But then again, was there any doubt? Since that edit affected no one in particular, I'll be keeping the trophy!"

"No fair!"

"Give it to me! I was hurt the most!"

"Like hell you were! I didn't even exist in their fucked-up dub!"

Ignoring the angry yells, Joker stuffed the trophy into his jacket and picked up the next envelope.

"The award for Most Badass Villain goes to... Rob Lucci! When you not only ignore a hostage crisis at age thirteen, but kill all of them, you're looking at the biggest badass this side of Marv, folks! But, since he (and all of his co-workers, I might add) declined my invitation, I'll be assigning the trophy to a random person! Catch!"

With that, Joker threw the trophy (in the shape of Marv's head) into the sea of chairs. It bounced off of Usopp's head, but the Straw Hat had no time to contemplate this, because every villain and their grandpa dived for it. Giving a shrill scream, Usopp ducked beneath the chairs to escape the fracas.

The massive scuffle didn't end for half an hour, until Buggy's detached hand grabbed delivered it to its owner. In all the madness, no one noticed this, as the normally flamboyant pirate kept in the shadows. When they finally realized that the trophy had disappeared, they returned to their seats, disgruntled.

"The award for funniest character goes to... Iron Mask Duval!"

The ridiculously ugly man walked up to the podium, giving thumbs-ups and winks the entire time. His face, unable to take all this pressure, had entirely regressed into its "Sanji Wanted Poster" appearance.

"Oh my God!"

"A face that ugly should not be allowed in here!"

"I think he's breaking some law of physics!"

Duval, cheerfully oblivious to all this, received his trophy (in the shape of a laughing mouth with its tongue hanging out) and walked back amid held-in laughs and shrieks of horror.

"Alright, alright, settle down... the last award, for coolest weapon, goes to... the Battle Franky B-36!"

"Wha-?"

"Huh?"

"No fair! My Buggy Bombs are way cooler than whatever the hell that is!"

"Battle Franky..." Chopper started before he remembered the letters around Franky's shoulder cannons. "Could it be-"

"YOSH! The award goes to me!" Franky declared joyfully. His run up to the podium was met with an equal amount of shrieks and laughter as Duval's. Joker handed the trophy (in the shape of a gun and a sword in an "X" formation) to him, giving a mock wolf whistle while he did so.

Franky held the prize in his huge hands, pushed Joker out of the way, and said into the microphone, "Thank you, thank you. I'd like to thank the Galley-La company for rejecting me so that I could realize my destiny, Tom for teaching me the way of the shipwright, and Baka-berg for - WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"Later, Popeye!" Joker grinned as he let go of the lever that opened the same trapdoor Saint Charloss fell into. "The awards ceremony is now over. Feel free to stay for the post-ceremony festivities. One more thing: a fighting tournament will be hosted tomorrow! Don't pass up this chance to show your skills! To register, simply carve your name onto the lion-headed ship by the coast!"

Everybody, in a rather disgruntled mood, filed out of the building in near silence, peppered with mutterings. Of the Strawhats, only Franky, Chopper, and Luffy left in a relatively cheerful mood.

"Who the hell makes ass-shaped trophies?!" Zoro grumbled as he rejoined the crew.

"I deserve much more than this!" Nami complained as she hoisted her third of the trophy - the head. Robin merely smiled.

"It's not like the party is over!" Luffy grinned. "There's still that big tournament tomorrow! We'd better eat up to regain our energy!"

"Speak for yourself," grumbled Usopp. "I've had enough excitement for a month!"

"You gonna join, marimo?" Sanji inquired. "Course, I'd understand if a pussy like you was too scared of-"

The rest of Sanji's sentence was cut off by Zoro swinging his katana at him. Nami held a hand to her temples and vented her frustration out on the two of them, ending the fight before it even really began.

"WHAT THE HELL?!!!" Franky suddenly screamed.

His yell snapped all of the Strawhats out of their stupor. They had arrived at the Thousand Sunny, and were shocked to find dozens of people on it, wielding blades or paint, hacking into its surface.

Franky seethed with anger for about a minute, but stood still, until his face suddenly cracked into a wicked grin. "I've got an idea... Wait here."

Obeying the beefy cyborg's orders, the rest of the crew stayed and watched while Franky climbed aboard, unnoticed, and descended below deck. A few moments later, an ear-splitting noise emerged from the ship, sounding something like "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

What differentiated it from a scream of horror, however, was the fact that it was high-pitched and obviously a female voice. If the effect was to drive off anyone within a thirty-mile radius, Nami thought through her splintering brain, it was working all too well, since everybody on the ship was running away from it as fast as possible...

... and they were right in the way.

==Five minutes later...==

"Where did you get that annoying recording?!" Nami demanded. All the Strawhats were in the infirmary, being treated from getting stampeded by some forty-odd people.

"After the ceremony ended, the clown guy gave me a tone dial with it! He said that he wanted to apologize for throwing me out, and that it would make the perfect security system!"

"What _was _that sound anyways?" Usopp asked.

"He called it 'opera'," Franky replied, shrugging his huge shoulders. "But never mind that, it's going to take me days to get all this graffiti off! What got into those people?!"

"You weren't at the last part of the ceremony, were you?" said Zoro. "The clown told us that there was going to be a fighting tournament tomorrow, and that carving your name into the ship was how to register!"

"WHAT?!" roared Franky so loudly that Chopper (now treating himself) fell off of his chair. "NEXT TIME I SEE THAT WHITE-FACED BASTARD, HE'S AS GOOD AS DEAD!!!!!"

==The next morning, approximately noon==

"Gomu Gomu no Bazooka!"

"AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Luffy retracted his arms and watched his opponent sail over the horizon. It was the second round of the tournament, and he had won in barely thirty seconds. He really hoped that someone stronger would come along in the third.

He headed back to the refreshment stand, right by the bench where the next contestant (Zoro) was sitting. "Give me two large steaks, ossan!" He demanded of the man at the counter. Had he been a bit brighter, he would have realized that the man was just Joker with a fake beard plastered on.

Joker grinned and passed two sizzling steaks on a platter to Luffy, who snatched them up and eagerly gobbled them down in one bite. Approximately half a second later, he dropped to the ground in a deep sleep.

Sadly, everyone who was close to Luffy at the time were either watching the next match (Zoro vs. Arlong) or were simply turning their heads away in disgust at Luffy's messy eating style.

Joker grinned as he took his chef's hat off and hoisted Luffy's limp body behind the counter. "One down."

"Hey, clown!"

"Eh?"

"Get me a double order of popcorn and cola, and a three-decker roast beef sandwich!"

Joker groaned and put his chef's hat back on.

==Three Hours Later...==

When Luffy opened his eyes, a set of iron bars greeted his eyes. The rubberman struggled to get up, but found that his own rubber limbs were tied around one another.

"Oh, finally awake?"

Luffy saw the ever-grinning Joker approaching him. A look of confusion settled on his face.

"Clown-ossan? What are you doing?! Let me go!"

"Oh, certainly! Too bad the same can't be said for your little friends..."

Luffy's confusion evaporated to be replaced by rage. "What the hell are you talking about?!"

Joker's grin grew even wider. "You see, I don't much appreciate you people using my island for your private party area. But, seeing how you like it so much, I'm going to let you keep it..." His eyes narrowed. "At the bottom of the sea."

Luffy opened his mouth as if to say something, but Joker waved his hand. "Scattered beneath this island is a great big time bomb, set to blow in exactly one hour. But, it wouldn't be fair not to give those poor people a sporting chance...

He gave an insane laugh and continued.

"In five minutes, I'm going to open the door, and you can do whatever you want. Try and find the bomb... try to make your way to the surface and warn everybody... try to find your friends and get them out of here..."

"You're lying!" Luffy shouted. "How could you have captured them all?! Any one of them could've kicked your ass!"

A vein popped in Joker's forehead. When he spoke again, his voice was deadly calm. "Which one do you want to know how I got? There was that redheaded chick - I got her with an anesthesia-coated bill. There was that Pinocchio fellow - I shot him with a tranquilizer gun. Oh, and there was that pervert cook that I reeled in with a poster of those two girls in your crew making out!"

"Where did you get-"

"I know people, alright?!" Joker snapped irritably.

Luffy sucked in his lips as if still not sure whether to believe what the man in front of him was saying. Joker, obviously seeing where this was going, said, "You don't have to believe me, though. If you wanna take that chance, then just find your way back up!"

With that, he turned on his heel and left, laughing. Luffy opened his mouth to yell something, but the sound of the bars in front of him retracting into the ceiling distracted him.

"GAME: START!" Joker yelled from somewhere down the corridor, his voice echoing.

Alright, now he was free, but there was still the matter of his limbs...

It took a full five minutes for himself to untangle. By then, Joker was already out of sight. "I guess I'll deal with him later..." Luffy murmured.

Giving a savage yell, he tore down the corridor in front of him at full speed, right through the thick wooden door in front of him, and the one after that... and the one after that...

Finally, the rubber pirate burst into a massive, circular room. All around the walls were eight doors. That made sense, he thought; eight doors for each of his eight nakama. Even now, however, he had a hard time believing that Joker could have captured them all, but if he had really told the truth about either the bomb or his nakama, it was probably a good idea to find them first, seeing how he had no idea how to get rid of a bomb (if there was one).

"Gomu Gomu no Pistol!"

He grinned a bit as he felt the closest door shattering from the impact of his fist. He dashed straight into the doorway at top speed...

... and ran straight into a dead end.

This was going to be harder than he thought.

==Meanwhile, back on the surface world==

Zoro was getting annoyed. Not only because Shanks had completely annhilated the competition at the fighting tournament, him included, but also because Luffy had apparently run off somewhere (which had led to his disqualification in the tournament).

Granted, this wasn't uncommon, but Zoro had an especially bad feeling about this particular disappearance. His intuition was telling him that the man who called himself "Joker" was not to be trusted, even if this one was the real one.

Speaking of the white-skinned man, he was running towards the green-haired swordsman at top speed. Zoro casually sidestepped the sprinting man, with the result of him running into a tree.

Joker groaned and shook his head, but gave a quick turn of the head and continued running. Zoro, a bit curious, turned around to see what he was running from, and was almost literally bowled over by Nami, in one of her famous tempers. No doubt Joker had groped her or owed her money.

Something beneath the tree that Joker had just crashed into caught Zoro's attention. The swordsman walked over to said tree and saw that it was a (rather thin) book, except without any form of binding. On the black cover was scrawled "Operation: Death to the Pirates".

Out of curiosity, Zoro flipped through the book and saw that it was arranged like the script of a play. He continued to flip through the booklet, though he didn't really know why.

Five minutes later, he realized that he had been right in not trusting Joker; the cast of the "play" consisted of the entire crew, as well as Joker himself, and the plot was about Luffy searching for a bomb beneath the island, as well as his nakama, only to be blown to bits before he found either. As it turned out, there was not one, but thirteen bombs.

At that very moment, he saw Joker running back towards him, an even-angrier looking Nami not far behind. Once again, the swordsman sidestepped the clown, but shot out a hand and grabbed him by the collar.

Joker gave a strangled yelp, to Zoro's amusement. The swordsman held up the play in front of Joker's eyes so that he could see it clearly.

"What do you know of this?"

"Uh, come on now!" Joker said in his best 'casual' voice. "That's just a little... fantasy that I've been writing up!"

The sound of Nami's shoes pounding against the ground resulted in Joker redoubling his efforts to shake loose, but to no avail. "Oi, Zoro," said Nami. "This guy's mine! But, I guess you can always pay me a little fee to beat him up after me..."

Ignoring everything that Nami said, Zoro casually handed the booklet over to her. Nami was confused, but nonetheless took the booklet and read one or two pages. After doing so, the look on her face was a mixture of skepticism and shrewdness.

"Where's Luffy?" she asked bluntly.

"Come on, now! You can't seriously believe that that play is real!"

"Is that so?" Nami gave a dangerous-looking smile. "Oh, Sanji-kun!"

Out of nowhere, the love cook dashed in front of the navigator. "Yes, Nami-san?"

==Five minutes later...==

"I confess! I confess!" Joker sobbed through a broken jaw and a mouthful of missing teeth. "I stole the cookies at the banquet!"

POW! BAM! WHACK!

"Try again," said Nami.

"I was the one who came up with the idea of Superman 64!"

THWACK! SMASH!

"Wanna play again?"

"Alright, alright! I was pissed at you guys for using my island for your partying space, so I put a ton of bombs all over the place! Happy?!"

"Why the hell did you lure Luffy underground?"

Joker's voice instantly took on a more fanciful tone. "It's simply not fun to watch without a guy trying and failing to stop it!"

His cheek earned him another five kicks, curtosey of Sanji.

"This is bad," Zoro stated. "Luffy's half a mile underground trying to find us, and the island's going to blown apart in an hour!"

Nami strode over and picked Joker up by the collar. "How do we get there?"

Joker pointed at an innocent-looking bush. "There's a hatch beneath that bush." Then, without warning, his hand suddenly shot out and grabbed Nami by the wrist. An electric current suddenly surged through the redhead's body, and as her screaming evidenced, it was extremely painful.

Sanji's entire body was suddenly enveloped in an aura of rage that would have sent the Shichibukai running for the hills. "You. Die. Now."

==Ten minutes later...==

All of the Strawhats were now gathered by the bush, now uprooted and tossed to one side to reveal the hatch beneath it. Joker, his face beaten beyond recognition, was unconscious, tied up, and lying against a nearby tree.

"Ready?" asked Nami.

"Uh, well-" began Usopp.

"Good!"

And with that, the Strawhats leapt down the hatch one by one.

End of Chapter 11

Well, I hope that this update didn't take as long as the last one. I was a bit sidetracked by the Troper Tales fic, but don't think that I've given up on this one just yet.

Also, some of you may have read the incomplete draft of this chapter when I accidentally posted it into the Troper Tales fic. You'll probably realize that I've cut out a large portion where Joker knocks out & kidnaps the Strawhats one by one. The original draft called for him to take all of them underground and have them all search for the bomb(s), but I figured that it would make him look too much like a Mary Sue/Marty Stu.


	12. The perfect plan

Disclaimer (Ledger Joker): RLS does not own One Piece. And on an unrelated note: wanna know how I got these scars?

Me: WTF?! You're not even in this fanfiction! (Sighs) Whatever. Start Chapter!

With the nearest passageway being a dud, Luffy ran out and charged at the one directly across from it. The rubberman didn't even bother throwing a punch at the door; he simply ran right through the thick wood as if it were paper.

"WHOA!!!" the rubberman yelled as he skidded against the ridiculously tiny ledge on the other side of the door. Luffy sat to catch his breath as he contemplated his surroundings; either he was outside or in a ridiculously large room modeled after the outside, because underneath him was a drop at least a hundred feet high. Above him, the sky shone a bright blue, and the sun cast a warm light over him.

But Luffy wasn't paying any attention to that. No, his attention was on the balloons.

An enormous pillar of balloons floated in the air in front of him, blocking his view. These balloons were all bright red in color, and each large enough for him to ride on. Naturally, the thick-headed captain chose to do exactly this, stretching out one arm to grab one of the closer balloons and pulling himself in.

"Yosh! This is fun! I've always wanted to ride a balloon before I died!"

"WELL, AIN'T THAT JUST PEACHY! HAVEN'T YOU CONSIDERED MY FEELINGS?!"

Luffy blinked and looked for the source of the voice.

"DOWN HERE, IDIOT!"

Luffy looked down to see that the balloon had grown a human-like face. "Sugoi! Did you eat a Devil fruit or something?"

The balloon's face twisted into an ugly sneer. "Get offa me!"

"No can do, ossan!" Luffy grinned. "I gotta rescue my nakama, and you're going to help me!" The balloon's sneer grew wider.

"Alright, if that's how you wanna play...!"

With that, the balloon gave a long, sharp whistle. Almost instantly, his fellow balloons heeded the call; similar faces morphed themselves out of their red, rubbery surfaces, all decorated with the same sneer. "SOMETHING WRONG?" they bellowed in unison.

"THIS KID'S TRYING TO RIDE ME!"

As one, the balloons lashed out the strings on their undersides, which coiled around Luffy's body, especially his neck, like snakes. Tighter and tighter they squeezed, trying their best to suffocate the dimwitted pirate. Sadly, their efforts, as you know, were in vain.

Despite the fact that he was in no real danger, however, Luffy felt a bit uncomfortable and more than a bit annoyed. "You guys are no fun! Gomu Gomu no... Hanabi!"

The pirate suddenly exploded into a flurry of outstretched punches and kicks; the attack turned out to be highly effective, as every balloon within his striking range was soon popped. Unfortunately, this meant that the rubber pirate now had nothing to support him so high up in the air.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Luffy yelled as he descended through the air at about a thousand miles an hour, his eyes popping out of their sockets. He screamed even louder when the ground came into enough focus for him to realize that there were many massive pairs of scissors with their blades sticking straight up into the air.

Luffy closed his eyes and shot one rubber arm up as far as it would go, hoping to randomly latch onto something. As luck would have it, he did latch onto something... a moving something. Deciding that he would worry about what it was later, the rubber pirate retracted the arm as quickly as he dared to do. As he neared his "savior", he realized that it resembled a massive plate. He idly wondered if there was any food on it.

Once his arm had retracted entirely, Luffy hoisted himself onto the mysterious object. He was greeted by six huge cups, each one big enough to hold him comfortably. The cups were arranged into a circular formation, with what looked like an enormous teapot in the center. A lesser (or saner) man might have found it odd to have almost been strangled by killer balloons and then rescued by a flying tea tray, but Luffy wasn't such a man. Thus, he only grinned even wider and yelled "whee!" as the tray whisked him to its destination.

==Meanwhile, with the rest of the Strawhats...==

"Hey guys! Check this out!" Nami yelled to her fellow crewmates, following behind her at a steady pace. They had arrived at the end of the tunnel that they had been inside for the last five minutes, marked by a wooden door, which Nami had just opened. The Strawhats poured into the circular room that Luffy had been inside minutes before, decorated with nine doors. Three of them had been smashed apart.

"No use checking here!" Sanji called over from one of the doors. "It's a dead end! There's an imprint of the idiot on the wall, though..."

"I don't think he's in here, either!" Zoro yelled from an adjacent door. "It's a dead end, too! There's a couple more smashed doors, but that's it!"

"Then he probably went this way!" Chopper deduced, pointing at the smashed door directly across from Sanji's.

"Either that, or we're not the only ones in here..." Usopp mumbled.

The Strawhats started toward Chopper's door, but Nami's voice stopped them. "Whoa, guys! We can't all go in there! What about the bombs?"

Franky quirked an eyebrow. "You honestly believe that clown guy? Come to think of it, we're not even sure that Strawhat-niisan is down here!"

"Then who knocked down all those doors?" Nami challenged.

Brook suddenly took a few steps back. "Maybe... maybe it's some kind of monster that lives down here?"

Usopp mirrored the skeletal musician's movements. "Yeah! What if that clown guy lured us down here while Luffy's still goofing off somewhere above ground?"

Robin stepped in. "We shouldn't take chances. Captain-san has been missing for hours. I asked around, and no one said that they saw him."

"She's right," agreed Nami. "We need to split up and look for the bombs as well as Luffy."

"Yeah, there's just one teensy problem..." stated Franky. "We've got no ideas what these bombs are supposed to look like! I mean, for all we know, the doors could be rigged with bombs!"

"No," murmured Nami. "That play of his described them perfectly. They're supposed to be shaped like rockets, with a picture of a jester painted on the lid."

"Even if we find them, what are we supposed to do with 'em? None of us know how to deactivate a bomb!"

"The play mentions that, too," Nami stated. "You guys better write this down."

With that, the navigator held out her hand. As if on cue, Robin handed her the "play". Nami then began to thumb through it, as if looking for a certain page.

"Here we go!" she stated at last. "To deactivate the bomb, we have to flip open the lid, lift up the red metal collar inside, and disconnect the wires in this order: red, yellow-and-black striped, green, and black."

"Got it!" said Usopp, who had whipped out a small notepad.

"One more thing," Nami said as she motioned for Usopp to hold off on tearing the paper out. "Make sure you don't touch any part of the bomb with the collar, or the whole thing will go off. Also, there'll be a blue wire inside the bombs. Ignore it; it's booby-trapped."

Franky scratched his head. "That guy put all this information in a book that he was toting around in public?"

Nami shrugged. Sanji said, "He did always strike me as being a few spices short of a stew..."

Franky opened his mouth, probably to complain some more, but Zoro intervened. "Hey, if no one's really in danger, at least it's a good way to kill some time!"

Nobody raised any more complaints. Usopp tore several sheets of paper from his notepad, all of them holding the same information, and handed them out. Every Strawhat - some in pairs, some alone, chose a door. Nami went into hers with Robin, while Zoro and Sanji went into their doors alone. Franky and Brook did the same. That left Usopp with Chopper.

==Back to Luffy...==

The tea tray was slowing down and descending, something that Luffy noticed. He peered over the edge of the tray to see his destination, and was greeted by a mass of red-rimmed white squares that irritated his eyes slightly. He blinked a few times to refocus his eyes, and realized that the surface beneath him was a massive checkered tablecloth... or so he thought.

With a gentle _clink_, the tray set it self upon the "table". Scratching his head in confusion, Luffy stepped off the tea tray and decided to keep searching for his nakama. Too little too late did he realize that the white squares were really holes, and the red lines their edges (think a sewer grate), and soon enough, he was plunging through one of them.

Luffy outstretched an arm upwards, hoping to grab one of the red bars and hoist himself up, but either he was falling really fast or the grate was literally moving away from him, because his hand never seemed to get any closer. The ground, on the other hand, certainly was.

"Oof!"

The rubberman stood up and dusted himself off. He then looked around his new surroundings. What he saw, or rather, what he didn't see, made him a bit uncomfortable; there was literally nothing but blank white space stretching out in all directions; not the slightest speck of dirt or blade of grass. He titled his head towards the sky, only to see that even the red grid had disappeared.

Monkey D. Luffy was a man who could stare at any kind of horrific terrain and smile. He could've been on a mountain thousands of feet into the air, at the very bottom of the Grand Line facing down a sea monster, or even in the depths of Hell itself, and he wouldn't have been afraid. Now, however, there was nothing to fight. Nothing to talk to. Nothing at all.

The rubberman mentally kicked himself and reminded himself why he was here: to save his nakama. He still didn't fully believe what the clown had said, but even if they weren't down here, finding his way back up to the surface world would be an adventure of his own.

With that thought in mind, Luffy gave a loud yell and charged off in a random direction, running as fast as he could.

==With Nami and Robin...==

"THANK YOU, GOD!!!" Nami cried happily. Robin merely sweatdropped as the younger girl ran towards the massive stacks of beli, arranged in neat, uniform cubes, that stood at least twenty feet tall in front of her. They were inside a rather dark room, illuminated only by a few small lanterns that hung overhead.

"Nami-san, did you forget why we're here?" Robin inquired as Nami began to hug the money as if it were her firstborn child. Nami waved her hand impatiently.

"Luffy can wait!" Robin sighed. Good thing she had brought a book along. Just as she was about to take it out, however, she noticed that the one of the lanterns from above seemed to be growing brighter. She then realized that it was falling directly towards where Nami was.

"Look out!"

Nami glanced up and heaved herself out of the way just in time. The lantern itself dropped onto the stack of bills a muffled sound. It was then that both girls realized that the lantern was a hollowed-out pumpkin with a candle inside - a jack-o-lantern.

BOOM!

Both girls gave a yell as the unexpected explosion threw them back a good ten feet. Groaning and wincing from the burns on her body, Nami slowly heaved herself up and peeled open her eyes. She soon wished that she hadn't, however, as she had come face-to-face with her worst nightmare - money being burned. The huge blocks of cash that had stood there seconds before were being consumed by orange-red flames before her very eyes.

The navigator whipped out her trademark weapon, the Perfect Clima-Tact. No more money was going to burn on her watch!

Nami arranged the three pieces of the weather-manipulating staff into a rifle-shaped contraption and pointed the tip at the ceiling, choking a bit on the smoke that was filling the room. "Cloudy Tempo!"

A plume of what looked like white smoke billowed out of the tip of the Perfect Clima-Tact to the ceiling of the room, looking nearly indistinguishable from the smoke. Nami dropped to the floor in an attempt to breathe in as little smoke as possible, then broke apart the staff into its original three pieces. Letting the other two drop to the floor, Nami began to spin the remaining piece - the "Cool Pole" - rapidly.

"The weather," the navigator stated. "Is rainy! Cool Ball!"

From the spherical tip of the "Cool Pole" came a flurry of air bubbles, all a pale blue. These bubbles, like the thin strip of cloud before it, immediately floated to the top of the room and were absorbed into the cloud.

"Rain Tempo!"

Soon enough, drops of water began to rain down onto the burning room, slowly but surely putting out the fire on the stacks of money. Nami breathed a sigh of relief, but a groan behind her caught her attention. Looking behind her, she saw that Robin, who had apparently been knocked unconscious by the explosion, was coming to.

"Robin! You're all right!"

Robin smiled. "Your money, on the other hand, Nami-san..."

Nami's smile slid off of her face. Once more, the redhead whipped around, only to be greeted with the sight of several enormous mounds of black soot - all that remained of the massive fortune that had stood in the room mere minutes ago. Nami gave a yell of frustration and punched the wall beside her, then slid to the ground and began sobbing.

"Nami-sa-"

"Forget it," Nami said with a voice that suggested she had something stuck in her throat. "Let's concentrate on finding the bombs. And Luffy."

"Would that be it?" Robin asked unexpectedly, pointing to a rectangular hole in the ground. Nami slowly got to her feet, and, along with Robin, walked over to it. There was no doubt about what was inside the hole: a metallic-looking object, about five or six feet long, shaped like a rocket. There was indeed a rectangular lid on it, painted white and decorated with a picture of a jester. In addition, a small digital timer with neon-green numbers lied right above the lid, showing 45:00 - it would be 45 minutes before they would go off.

Robin closed her eyes and crossed her arms. A second later, the bomb began to rise out of the hole, supported by several pillars of hands beneath it. Gingerly, Robin set the bomb onto the ground.

Nami reached into her cleavage and pulled out the piece of paper that Usopp had given her. "Alright... we open the lid..."

"Done."

"Lift up the metal collar... don't touch it against the sides!"

Robin sprouted a second hand from her left wrist, creating a pincer-like appendage. The shapely archaeologist then slipped the conjoined hands over the horseshoe-shaped piece of metal and gingerly lifted it out, placing it onto the floor.

"Alright... start snipping the wires... red..."

SNAP!

"Yellow-and-black striped..."

SNAP!

"Green..."

SNAP!

"... and black."

SNAP!

"Finished," stated Robin, getting to her feet.

"We'd better take this with us," said Nami, picking up the red metal collar. "Just in case."

Robin nodded.

==With Zoro...==

The smell of the dark, dank room made Zoro want to vomit. He was standing about ankle-deep in greenish water, though the poor lighting of the room made it difficult to tell. Still, he had a feeling that it wouldn't exactly be safe to drink from. As the swordsman's eyes began to adjust to the dark, he saw a rather strange sight: a long table, set for ten (five chairs on either side) was set in the center of the tunnel-like room, covered by a simple gray tablecloth that had certainly seen better days. Standing in the center of the table was an enormous (prepared) turkey on a plate, and ten glasses of wine (or something red) lied before each chair.

Of course, the skeletons lying on each of the ten chairs certainly didn't add to the decor. They were dressed in the stiff black suits that Sanji usually dressed in, and most of their poses suggested that they had been slaughtered in the middle of their meal.

"This won't take long..." Zoro muttered to himself. The room was so cramped that there weren't many places to hide a bomb. "Better look under the table first..."

He took another step, and all hell broke loose.

The ten corpses in the room, apparently not as dead as they seemed, suddenly let out a furious growl and leapt at the swordsman all at once.

"Whoa!" Zoro cried as he ducked and rolled simultaneously to dodge the zombie dinner guests. The swordsman unsheathed Shuusui, a predatory grin creeping onto his face. "Come get some!" he taunted as the skeletons turned around to face him.

Instead of lunging like they did before, each of the skeletons reached inside their suit jackets. Zoro's smirk slid off his face. When somebody did that, it could only mean one thing...

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

_Since when do dead people carry guns?!_ Zoro thought furiously as he dived beneath the table to avoid the barrage of shots. On the bright side, he had found what he was supposed to be looking for - a bomb was indeed strapped to the underside of the table, but he had other things to worry about now.

With all the speed that he could muster, Zoro dashed out from under the tablecloth and lunged at a random zombie gunman, neatly decapitating it in a single slash. He swept around and stuck the black katana's blade through the back of another skeletal gunman, then kicked it away to get the blade out. All this was done with such speed that the rest of the zombies didn't even realize what he had done until the the second gunman crashed into the dinner table.

"Heh. Too easy," Zoro said to himself. He was treated to a nasty surprise, however, when both zombies rose to their feet as if he had done no more than hit them with a foam sword. The headless skeleton, in fact, didn't even seem to need its head to see, since its gun was still trained on Zoro.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

The swordsman cursed and ducked again as a second barrage of shots headed his way. This time, he wasn't so lucky, and was nicked in the side by a bullet. Grimacing, Zoro whipped out his two other katana, one of which he placed in his mouth.

"Oni Giri!"

The minute that he felt his blades slash through the zombie gunman, Zoro turned around on his heel so that he was facing them once more. Much quicker than before, his opponents turned around and let loose a third round of shots, but instead of ducking this time, Zoro instead leapt up as high as the low wall of the room would allow, and folded the two katana he held in his hands into a behind-the-head position.

"Hyaku-Hachi Pound Hou!"

The storm of cutting air waves headed toward the ten skeleton gunmen and mercilessly sliced them up until the entire room was filled with shattered shards of bone and flayed strips of black cloth. Zoro landed (none too gracefully) onto the dining table, which, thankfully, did not buckle under the sudden stress. Panting, the former bounty hunter sheathed his three swords. By the looks of it, his would-be killers wouldn't be getting back up from this one...

Zoro ducked beneath the frayed tablecloth once more to inspect the bomb. Since the low area under the table gave him little space to work with, the swordsman simply placed both hands onto its underside and flipped it over - an easy feat, given his tremendous strength. The swordsman reached into his sash and pulled out the page that Usopp had given him - a mechanical genius, he was not.

Approximately two minutes later, the bomb had been deactivated (at least per the instructions), and the green-haired swordsman walked toward the round, metallic-looking door at the end of the room, which had not a doorknob or a handle, but an enormous wheel.

==With Sanji...==

"Stupid shitty captain..." the foul-mouthed cook of the Strawhats muttered. "Getting himself lost and wasting our time..."

The room that he was inside was another long hallway, but in contrast to Zoro's, it was illuminated quite brightly - perhaps a little too brightly. Combined with the bright white walls, the room had the effect of being rather harsh on Sanji's eyes. The cook was beginning to wish that he had brought his "Mr. Prince" sunglasses along.

Directly across from him, at the other end of the room, was a throne, not enormous by any standards, but decorated rather colorfully (if a bit tastelessly) in shades of red, green, and black. Three steps lead up to it, covered with a bright green carpet that stretched all the way across the room (Sanji was standing on it right now).

On either side of the room were an assortment of rectangular boxes of various sizes, wrapped in bright, colorful paper and tied with equally colorful silk bows. A bicycle with a bright red paint job lied against one of the larger boxes. Sanji sighed. There were practically a million places where a bomb could be hidden.

Well, might as well start now, the cook thought as he approached the closest package, which came up to about his waist. He only vaguely noted the small bat designs on the red wrapping paper before undoing the bow and ripping apart the paper to expose the box within. He was about to open the cardboard box when a feeling of danger suddenly overcame him.

Instinctively, he did a backflip, and not a minute too soon, for an axe suddenly emerged from a hidden compartment in the wall and slammed down with a CRACK! onto the spot where he had been seconds before, leaving a nice gash in the carpet.

"Huh huh huh! Naughty, naughty!"

Sanji looked around, startled by the jovial-sounding yet somewhat threatening voice. "Who the hell are you?!"

"Don't you know that..." the voice continued.

At the same time, Sanji heard the sound of ripping paper all around him; the packages were unwrapping themselves.

"... you should never open your presents early?"

The sound of metallic propellers buzzing filled the air; three small toy airplanes had taken flight. At the same time, a small army of rather disturbing-looking dolls and puppets, wielding tiny axes and blades, were slowly marching towards Sanji. An assortment of baseball bats floated threateningly in the air, and the bicycle rolled by itself into the cook's line of sight, obviously intent on running him down.

None of these absurd opponents, however, compared to what was obviously their leader: an enormous stuffed bear, standing as tall as any regular bear. Stitches ran up and down its body, and its right eye had been replaced by a large blue button, contrasting sharply with its black, beady left eye. In addition, it right ear appeared to have been partially torn off.

Sanji grinned and lit up a cigarette. "You shitheads want a fight? Fine by me."

"Attack!" the demonic teddy bear (God, did I really type that?) thundered.

The baseball bats were the first to strike, flying toward the cook at speeds he wouldn't have believed them capable of. The cook did a high jump, dodging the first two as they swung toward him and slammed into each other instead. The third bat, which had wisely hung back, floated up to where the cook was and swung itself toward him as well. Sanji intercepted the swing with a kick from his left foot, before performing a barrel roll in midair, hooking his right foot against the bat, and sweeping his right leg straight down, sending the bat slamming into the floor with a deafening CRACK!

No sooner had the ero-cook done this, however, did he hear the sound of the airplanes' propellers getting much too close for comfort. Being in midair didn't exactly give him many dodging options, so Sanji optioned to focus his center of gravity to his lower body and land as quickly as possible. The toy planes, being much more maneuverable than the bats, turned around sharply and flew towards him once more.

Sanji did a backflip, narrowly missing the bicycle heading towards him, and at the same time lashed out his left foot, sending one of the planes smashing into the wall. Sadly, this left him wide open to the other two planes.

SSKKKRRT!!!

"Son of a...!"

Wincing, Sanji got to his feet, trying to ignore the pain that the airplanes' sharp metal propellers had inflicted on his right shoulder and left calf. Taking the initiative this time, the cook ran forward, jumping over the killer bicycle once more in the process, and firmly planted a foot into each of the toy planes, sending them flying into the giant teddy bear (which had been hanging back while his minions attacked).

SSKKKRRT!!!

"Huh huh huh! You've really done it now!" the huge stuffed animal cried rather cheerfully, his face still in its same state despite the two large gashes that were now on its chest. It ran towards Sanji, shaking the room with every heavy step, and swung both of its arms haphazardly at the cook. Despite its size, however, it was still slow by Sanji's standards; the cook easily dodged its attack simply by doing another high jump, causing the bicycle, which was trying to run him over again, to become crushed between the bear's paws instead.

CRUNCH!

Sanji could feel the demonic bear's mismatched eyes boring into the back of his head, but he still had the killer doll army to worry about. A particularly ugly-looking puppet with an over-sized head suddenly broke free and lunged toward him with a pair of tiny scythes.

Sanji scoffed and spat out his cigarette. "I don't have time for this!"

And with that comment, he flipped himself upside-down into a handstand position. From there, he lashed both legs out with startling ferocity, nailing a killer doll with each foot. From there, he used his hands to spin around his torso like an enormous merry-go-round, sending dozens of the killer dolls into the air.

POW! BAM! WHACK! THUD! WHAM!

When he felt his feet making no more contact with wood, Sanji flipped himself right-side-up again and scanned the room. Minutes ago, it had bore a cheerful (if a bit creepy) demeanor, but now, it was completely trashed, littered with clumps of shattered wood, shreds of paper, a mangled bicycle, and three smashed toy planes.

Wait... this wasn't right... where was the...

"Huh huh huh! Up here!"

Sanji didn't need the ever-growing shadow directly beneath him to tell him where the bear was. _Stupid stuffed animal_, he thought with a grin. _He's made this so much easier..._

The bear, now seconds away from inflicting a (probably fatal) body slam on the cook, cried out in triumph. At the very last possible moment, however, it felt a odd sensation in its chest that felt mysteriously like a shoe being jammed into it at full speed. Then he realized that that was exactly what it was, and the pain seemed to double.

"ANTI-MANNER KICK COURSE!"

In the split second before his "takeoff", the bear realized its fate. Accordingly, its face morphed into an "oh, shit" look. Well, as much as a teddy bear with a demented looking face could muster it. Then, it found itself slamming into the ceiling with a thunderous CRASH!

The force of Sanji's kick made him stick to the ceiling for a moment or two, but soon enough, gravity reared its ugly head, and the bear dropped to the floor once more with an equally loud WHAM!

"Shitty bear," Sanji muttered. If nothing else, the possibility that the bomb was in any of the packages was now ruled out. With there being nothing else in the room, the cook walked up to the throne to inspect it. Soon enough, he had found the bomb - it was inside the throne itself (the seat acted as the "lid" for its containment). Smiling, Sanji took out the sheet of paper Usopp had given him.

"Now, Pinocchio, give me something to work with."

==With Franky...==

The cyborg took a deep whiff of the blood-red lake in front of him, and almost fell over. The ledge that he was standing on went all around the lake, and was quite narrow - just a tiny bit wider than his feet. In the distance, he could see dozens, perhaps hundreds, of enormous towers, half-coated in shadows, rising into the sky. Franky considered inching around the lake bit by bit, but deemed it too time-consuming. Plus, he wasn't exactly a patient man.

Thus, he settled for Plan B: swimming across.

The cyborg took a deep breath, inflating his already-broad chest, and hopped right in. Just as he had suspected, the lake was a lake of wine - which meant that he not only had to worry about accidentally swallowing too much, but about the temperature as well, since it was chilled. Still, it wasn't that much of a problem - after all, taking regular dips in the ocean since he was a teenager helped build up a man's resistance to cold liquids.

Thanks to his enormous arms, swimming across the lake of wine was no problem - the few drops that did get into his mouth posed little problem, but it was the first time that he had tasted actual wine. Truth be told, he felt that simple beer and sake were much, much better.

Using his chain-connected fist, Franky easily hauled himself to the rim of the enormous wineglass at the other side. From there, he peered once again at the massive forest of steel-and-concrete towers that rose before him; now that he was much closer, they appeared to be much smaller in scale than he had previously thought; most of them had tips that were only barely larger than he was.

Franky scratched his blue-haired head. How the hell was he supposed to find a bomb? The towers were so tall that he couldn't even see the bottom, for Pete's sake! The cyborg considered jumping to the bottom of this forest of towers and looking on the ground first (if there even was one; he had the odd feeling that there wasn't), when a loud buzzing noise suddenly filled the air.

He looked up, and saw a biplane with a bright red paint job heading straight for him, its enormous propeller merely feet away from making confetti out of him. Luckily, Franky, despite his huge frame, was actually quite an agile man when the situation called for it. With ease, he did a high jump over the plane, and to top it all off, landed in the pilot's seat.

That was when things started to go wrong.

"Hey... what the..." the cyborg stammered as a multitude of seat belts suddenly sprang from the (rather stiff) seat and tightly bound against his torso and legs until everything besides his head and huge arms were completely mummified. "LET GO OF ME, YA STUPID PLANE!" he roared as he attempted, in vain, to tear the seat belts apart with his hands.

The cyborg might have spent hours attempting to free himself had he not realized that the plane was making straight for one of the towers. Gnashing his teeth, Franky placed a beefy hand on the joystick and swung it sharply to the right, nearly tearing it out in the process. None too smoothly, the plane turned right, narrowly missing the tower.

Franky breathed a sight of relief, which quickly faded when he realized that another tower, this one much wider, was in his way. Luckily for him, it was also shorter. Another push on the joystick, and the plane began to climb steadily, avoiding the tower.

The little "flying game" went on for another ten minutes after that. Franky felt that he was getting the hang of it when an enormous clock tower suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Panicking slightly at its sheer height and width, Franky pushed the joystick just a bit too hard, and...

CRACK!

"Oh, shit..." Franky mumbled as he held the broken joystick in one hand. The cyborg quickly cast it aside and concentrated on the situation at hand: nothing his fists could do would sever the seat belts of death. If only he had something sharp...

The cyborg slapped his forehead, remembering the function that he had installed into his sideburns so long ago. He really should use it more in combat, he thought idly as he pressed his chin against his chest to get them into better range.

"Franky Triangle Jacker!"

The razor-edged sideburns shot out with alarming speed, severing the seat belts as if they were paper. Not pausing to celebrate, Franky jumped out of the plane's cockpit, and, falling all the while, aimed his right hand at the enormous clock's outer rim.

"Strong Right!"

His hand, shooting out with the speed of a bullet, latched onto the enormous clock with perfect accuracy. Breathing a sigh of relief at last, Franky began to recoil the chain that connected his hand to the rest of his arm, hoisting himself up.

At that very moment, the clock's two enormous hands aligned at the number 12, and began to chime.

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

CRASH!

Miraculously, the plane did not explode the minute that it slammed head-on into the clock. Franky hoisted himself onto the rim of the clock tower to get a better look, and was treated to a nice surprise: the bomb that he was supposed to have been looking for was strapped to the bottom of the plane.

The cyborg cracked his knuckles. "Finally, something for me to do!"

==With Brook...==

It was times like these that Brook was glad he picked a sword for his weapon of choice. Every inch of the heart-shaped room that he was in was covered in plant life (save for a fountain rising from the very center). Roses, to be exact. These weren't those tiny roses that dancers held in their teeth, either - each of them was easily the size of a human head, and their stems were more like vines, creating a forest of thorns that Brook was currently hacking through with his blade.

Humming as he continued to mutilate innocent plant life, the skeleton muttered to himself, "Now, if I were a bomb... where would I be...?"

Despite his blade, the various thorns were still doing a fine job of ripping his suit to shreds. Brook grimaced a bit (even though he didn't have a face, yohoho!) at the thought of what things had gotten caught in his afro, when a bloodcurdling sound that seemed to issue from the ground itself almost sent him running.

"MIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!"

It was painful to the ear - a mixture between the roar of a lion and the howl of an angry tomcat. Still, it came as a surprise when an enormous cat, jet-black in color, suddenly burst through a patch of thorns and pounced toward the skeleton swordsman.

Brook was, of course, frozen in shock, but at the very last second, managed to leap out of the way as the cat smashed into the spot where he was seconds ago. Hissing and spitting maliciously, the cat turned its fierce green eyes toward him again and pounced once more.

This time, Brook stood his ground and bravely plunged his sword forward. The cat twisted itself out of the way at the last second, but nevertheless got a gash in its shoulder. Howling in pain, the enormous beast narrowed its eyes at Brook and began to slowly walk towards him on all fours in a semicircular pattern, much like an animal stalking its prey.

All of its sharp teeth bared, the cat leapt toward Brook, attempting to crush his skull with its massive fangs.

CLANG!

The cat growled in confusion; its teeth had instead come into contact with a metal blade. Then, it swiftly swept a paw (adorned with meathook-like claws) toward Brook, but the musician was ready; he dived, narrowly avoiding damage to his afro (though his top hat wasn't so lucky) and slid right between the cat's front legs, beneath its belly, and out between its hind legs. The cat hissed and turned around, but Brook had become eerily calm.

He reached into his torn-up suit jacket and took out the violin with which he had made Laboon cry in joy so many times. With his other hand, he swiped his blade over its strings.

"Nemurita Flanc!"

Most people would never dream of trying to play a violin with a sword, but then again, most people didn't have the ability to cast a hypnotic sleeping spell when these two things were put together. Sure enough, the cat suddenly dropped to the floor in mid-pounce and curled up, dozing peacefully. Instead of vicious and bloodthirsty, it now looked adorable.

Brook considered piercing the cat's heart through while it was asleep, but decided against it - his heart was just too big for such things (even though he doesn't have a heart! Yohoho!). Instead, he wandered over to the fountain, where his real target - the bomb - laid beneath the rather shallow water, trying (and failing) to look innocent.

==With Usopp and Chopper...==

"Die!" Chopper yelled as he threw a punch at Usopp. Since he was in heavy point, it would have probably knocked the sniper out had it actually connected. Luckily, Usopp dove to the side in time and readied his giant slingshot/staff, Kabuto.

"Metallic Star!"

"Ow!" Chopper cried as the small metal projectile caught him in the eye. The human-reindeer took out a Rumble Ball and ate it, snarling, "You'll pay for that!"

In case you're wondering why the hell our beloved duo are trying to kill each other, the hypnotic fumes issuing from the huge clumps of clovers in the room they were currently in might have had something to do with it. Instead of the best of friends, the sniper and the reindeer were now bloodthirsty warriors determined to have each other's heads mounted on a wall.

Chopper morphed into Arm Point. "Kokutei Roseo!"

Usopp attempted to dive out of the way, but that only meant the attack hit him in the kneecap instead of in his face. The sniper gave a yell of pain and fell to the ground, clutching at his injured leg. "Son of a..."

Chopper morphed into Jumping Point and did a high jump, positioning himself right above the sniper. He then morphed back into Arm Point and placed both of his hooves together, forming a diamond between them. "Kokutei Diamond!"

Demonstrating the reflexes that all pirates are naturally born with, Usopp twisted himself out of the way, narrowly missing the deadly attack (unfortunately, the ground was not so lucky). He then turned his head towards Chopper.

"You leave me no choice but to break out my most deadly weapon!"

He took a deep breath. "Usopp Spell!"

Chopper, whose hooves had gotten stuck in the ground as a result of his last attack, was occupied with pulling them out. He couldn't help but wince, however, when Usopp began to say things like "A pencil piercing through the soft tissue that is your eye, stabbing with all its might into your soft, fleshy, pink brain!"

"Shut up!" Chopper yelled as he finally pulled his hooves free.

"Thousands of fire ants doing a dance under your skin!"

"I said shut up!" Chopper wailed childishly as he morphed back into Heavy Point, attempted to cover his ears with one hand, and punch Usopp with the other. The sniper tilted his head to the side, dodging the punch, and continued.

"A saw splitting through your body, beginning with your balls!"

WHAM!

Usopp buckled under Chopper's kick to his chin, but he wasn't so easily beaten. "Hissatsu Fire Bird Star!"

Chopper morphed into Brain Point, causing the phoenix-shaped beam of fire to pass harmlessly over his head. That, however, didn't mean that it had been wasted, for it had instead made contact with a patch of the hypnotic clovers and almost instantly burned the plant to ashes.

"You bastard!" Chopper cried, morphing into Arm Point again. "How dare you steal Sogeking's techniques?!"

Usopp chuckled nastily as he rolled to the side and dodged another "Kokutei Roseo". "You little idiot! I know things about Sogeking that you couldn't imagine!"

"Like what?!" Chopper challenged, morphing into Horn Point and attempting to gore Usopp on his antlers. The mercurial marksman simply vaulted over his charge (he's a hell of a lot braver when he's brainwashed!) and fired off another "Firebird Star".

Unfortunately for Chopper, this one hit him dead-on. Fortunately for Chopper, it also burned away the rest of the clover in the room. His lips in a smirk, Usopp slowly strode over to the badly-burnt Chopper, careful to not put too much pressure on his broken leg. "Like who Sogeking really is, for example! He's..."

Suddenly, a wave of dizziness overcame him, followed by the feeling of something being cleared out of his brain. "Wait, what was I just saying...?"

Chopper groaned in pain, as if just realizing what he had been hit with. "Oww... Why do I feel like I just got thrown into a volcano?"

Usopp collapsed and groaned in a similar fashion. "And why do I feel like someone just attacked my knee with a sledgehammer?"

While our Dynamic Duo were recovering from the influence of the hypnotic clover, they failed to notice that the bomb, which had been strapped to the ceiling by a mass of it, now had only a few badly-charred vines to support it. Predictably, it came loose with a loud _snap..._

"Did you hear that?" Usopp asked, looking around a bit fearfully.

WHUMP.

"Ow..."

==With Joker...==

The severely-beaten clown, bearing a black eye, several missing teeth, and a broken arm in a cast, slowly limped into the control room, having cut himself free of the ropes the Strawhats tied him up in. His insane grin, ever-present, widened slightly as he saw a thermometer-like gauge sitting on the wall. The gauge, divided into twelve sections, was half full.

"Morons..." he chuckled to himself as he turned on the dozen television monitors in the dimly-lit room. "This has gotta be one of my best jokes ever!"

Tipping his head back slightly, the madman poured himself a mug of coffee. Little did those idiot pirates know that the "bombs" were really just activation switches for the thirteenth- the real - bomb. Once all twelve were "deactivated" by the instructions that were written in his play, it would go off - taking with it this entire island.

He, however, would be escaping in style - his private helicopter was fueled and ready. Once the last "bomb" had been "deactivated", there would be a ten-minute countdown for the real bomb - plenty of time for him to make his escape, considering that right now, he was on the second floor of the building where the awards ceremony had take place - and the staircase that led to the roof, where the helicopter was parked, was mere feet away from him.

Joker rubbed his gloved hands together, laughing evilly. "Everything is going exactly as planned!"

Somewhere in worlds beyond, David Xanatos, Light Yagami, Lelouch Lamperouge, Sosuke Aizen, Vlad Masters, and many others sneezed.

End of Chapter 12

What, you guys thought I'd given up on this fic?! True, it's a piece of crap compared to my to other works, but I will see to it that it is at least a _finished_ piece of crap!

So, yeah. This is the reason why I haven't updated Troper Tales for such a long time. Notice how this chapter is pretty much twice the length of all the other ones?

How does Franky know what a plane is? Because he's Franky!

How'd Joker get himself loose? Because he's Joker!

Why did I have Luffy encounter sentient balloons underground? Because I can!

Til' next time, dear readers! (However few of you there are...)


	13. The finale

Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.

Well, dear readers, we've finally reached the end of this fanfiction. Looking back on it, some bits are So Bad It's Good, some bits are Guilty Pleasures, and some are So Bad It's Horrible... or worse, So Okay It's Average. Then again, the massive amounts of DeadFics around this site are a tad depressing to see, so rest assured, I will never leave a story dead.

Start chapter!

Luffy wasn't sure when he had finally burst out of the endless, empty prison, but he was far too relieved to care. Sure, he had now somehow fallen into a freezing cold ocean (the salty-tasting water was evidence of that) and day had suddenly turned into night, but at least he wasn't facing some sort of mind-warping nightmare anymore.

He heard the slapping of oars against water, and turned his head to find the source: a lone rowboat barely ten feet away from him. Curious, Luffy swam over and climbed aboard. The one rowing the boat was a little girl barely half as tall as he was, with long brown hair.

"Hey, little girl, have you seen a green-haired swordsman?" Luffy asked. "Or a bomb?"

The girl didn't respond. Annoyed, Luffy placed a hand on her shoulder. Again, there was no response.

"Hey, I asked you a question. The least you can do is-"

The girl turned around at last, showing Luffy a pair of enormous, sad-looking eyes. Startled, the future pirate king dropped his sentence. Despite the dimwitted behavior that he exhibited sometimes, he had a better grip on understanding emotions than most.

"Uh... is something wrong?"

The girl gave no response, but instead tilted her (disproportionately large) head toward the sky. Luffy looked up to see something so strange that it was a miracle he had not noticed it earlier: the full moon was hanging way closer to the water than it should have been. In fact, had it not been night, Luffy would have just assumed that it was just some other huge cheese-colored orb hanging in the air.

Oh, and there was a guy sitting on it, too.

This was certainly out of the ordinary, but truth be told, Luffy had seen weirder on the Grand Line (such as the sky raining candy, and no, I am not making this up). He craned his neck so that he could see the boy better, and realized something that would have disturbed a more sensible man: the boy was kissing the surface of the moon, his eyes closed as if enjoying a date with his girlfriend.

"You wanna go up there too, don't you?"

The girl nodded sadly.

"Well, then, get ready!" Luffy said cheerfully. With that, he grabbed the girl with one hand, and, not waiting for her to yell any sort of (dis)agreement, shot his clenched fist toward the glowing orb in the sky. When he felt his fist make contact with its crumbly yet rock-hard surface, Luffy knew that it was safe to deposit her, and she did just that.

Few times had he shot out his arm that long. Predictably, when he retracted the elastic limb, the resulting snapback knocked him into the water. Grumbling a bit, the rubber pirate hauled himself out; it was cold enough to freeze his ass off in there!

It was then that he noticed a new development. One that was probably bad.

The moon was sinking fast. Yes, you read that right. In defilement of every known law of physics, the moon was _sinking_.

Fortunately, Monkey D. Luffy was not one to be concerned with such things. When he saw the moon sinking, he acted on pure instinct. If the moon was sinking, then that must've meant that two people were too heavy for it, right? Thus, he shot his arm out once again, grabbed the person whom his hand was the closest to (in this case, the boy) and retracted it.

He deposited the boy on the rowboat (a bit carelessly) and looked at the moon again to see that his gambit had paid off. The moon was steadily rising again. What was more, the girl had taken out something that he was pretty sure she didn't have on the boat: a harp.

As the moon rose back to its original position, a steadily flowing melody began to drift from it down to the boat (which the boy was now rowing). It was a simple tune compared to what the likes of Brook cooked up every day, but it filled Luffy with a warm feeling regardless.

It was too bad, then, that a whirlpool decided to open up that very moment and swallow the entire boat whole.

The entire event was so quick that Luffy had no clue what was happening; one minute he was relaxing to the melody of a harp (and only just starting to remember that he was supposed to be looking for his nakama), and the next, he found himself being mercilessly whipped around in a tornado of water and bubbles. Faster and faster he spun, until he couldn't tell which way was up and which way was down.

"Glug! Cough! Glug! Glug! Cough!"

As he felt himself lose consciousness, only one thought ran through his head: _Will I see them ever again?_

==With Usopp and Chopper...==

"Truth be told, I'd rather be back in the room with all those clovers," Usopp grumbled. His head still had a huge bump on it.

"Aw, come on, Usopp! You're acting like rain is lethal or something!" Chopper chuckled. The two of them were now in a room resembling a long, narrow alley, with brick walls on either side forming a thin passageway. It was indeed raining, and it was unfortunate that neither of them had an umbrella on hand, but Chopper had been through colder rains than this on his home island.

"Then you've probably never heard of the time that I climbed all the way up a mountain leading to the gates of heaven themselves!" Usopp boasted. "Every step of the way, raindrops of molten flame as big as watermelons were pelting me, and I only made it though with the help of my trusty Super-Duper Usopp Umbrella!"

Chopper was about to cry in amazement like he always did, but suddenly, his triangular black nose twitched at an unfamiliar scent. Usopp, reading the expression on his face, placed a hand on Kabuto.

For a moment or two, there was nothing. Then, slowly, something emerged out of the shadows ahead of them. Both pirates' bodies tensed. Whoever it was, they were holding an umbrella. Were they friend or foe?

Whatever it was, they kept advancing. A minute or two passed before the two realized that nobody was holding the umbrella; it was floating in midair as if being held by a ghost. The other Strawhats (sans maybe Brook) might have found this humorous, odd, amazing, or some combination of the three, but these two, being Usopp and Chopper, they did the natural thing to do:

"AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"GHOST!!!!"

While Chopper stayed rooted to the ground in fear, Usopp had no such restraints. Thus, the short-haired sniper rushed and cowered behind Chopper as if the youngest Strawhat was some sort of fortress. That was quite a feat in itself, considering that Chopper was in Brain Point, and thus no taller than your average six-year old.

Well, if the umbrella originally hadn't done anything to garner such an intense reaction, it was about to. Having been open the entire time, it suddenly closed itself and pointed its ferrule toward the duo.

BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM.......................!!!

If nothing else, the sudden fusillade of bullets got Usopp and Chopper to knock off their slapstick act and instead dive for the ground, cover their heads with both hands, and start praying that they would somehow live through this.

Then, just as suddenly as it began, the rapid series of gunshots suddenly stopped, leaving the two pirates all alone with nothing but several dozen fired bullets and the stench of gunpowder in the air.

After a moment or two, the duo got up, slightly out of touch with reality due to the loud, disorienting shots. They patted their hands (or, in Chopper's case, hooves) all over their bodies to make sure that there weren't any holes where there weren't supposed to be, then, as one, sighed in relief.

"That was scary..." Chopper whimpered.

Usopp scoffed. "Whoever it was obviously didn't realize that it was the Great Captain Usopp at first. The minute they did, they turned tail and ran like the cowards that they were!"

As Chopper exclaimed in naive amazement yet again, Usopp turned around to inspect the now bullet-ridden wall. To his mixed shock and incredulity, the bullets had formed a crude outline of him and Chopper's silhouettes cowering on the ground. Despite his relief to be alive, Usopp couldn't shake the feeling that he and Chopper had just been made fools of.

==With Nami and Robin...==

"This is like being on Thriller Bark again..." Nami mumbled with a hint of fear in her voice.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Robin mused.

Nami scowled. Right now, the only girls of the Strawhat crew were walking through a graveyard that looked like it had gotten pulled out of some cheap Halloween TV special. Gravestones, crosses, wilted trees, a full moon... in other words, the full works. And, of course, what cheesy graveyard would be complete without a layer of fog over everything?

"Kokaishi-san..." Robin stated suddenly, her voice much less relaxed now. "Isn't that..."

There was no need for her to finish her sentence; Nami, too, could see the silhouette that was steadily becoming clearer with every step they took. It was unmistakeable even from the back: an average-height man with dark green hair sitting on a fallen tree, wearing a bright purple jacket. And if that wasn't proof enough, his chalk-white neck certainly was.

"Escaped, have you?" Nami said scathingly. "Here for another beatdown?"

Joker made no response.

Annoyed, Nami took another step... and Joker's head fell off. The young woman recoiled in shock, but held back the urge to scream, partially because a bouquet of flowers were now sprouting from "Joker's" neck stump. She took a moment or two to process this, then furiously kicked the dummy as hard as she could. It toppled over easily.

"Calm down, Kokaishi-san," Robin stated soothingly. "We won't get anywhere by attacking a dummy."

She knelt down to inspect the Joker dummy. It was made with a fairly good likeness, though up close, the button eyes and stitched-together mouth were easily spotted. The clothes, however, seemed authentic - probably some of his spares. Looking closer, she saw that a thin cord with a loop was attached to the fake head, so that it could easily be yanked off when necessary.

Something still irked her, though. The cord didn't seem to be attached to any sort of tripwire, so someone else had to have activated it. The question was: who?

She was distracted from her thoughts by the sound of Nami's panicked gasp. Hastily, she turned around and saw that the navigator had fallen to her knees. On her face was an expression of utmost terror. But, it was something that she only dimly noticed, for she, too, was concentrated on what Nami's eyes were focused on: a tall woman, in almost exact likeness of her, only with snow-white hair.

"M-mother?"

==With Franky...==

"Son of a bitch!"

Franky stared in disbelief at the fact that he had hit yet _another_ dead end. Mere minutes ago, he had walked into an enormous hedge maze, and, thinking it a challenge, had walked right in. By now, however, he had gotten rather tired of constantly hitting dead ends. Just how big was this thing, anyway?

"Alright, no more Mr. Nice Shipwright!" the Cyborg declared. With that, he took a few steps back and took in a deep breath. "Fresh Fire!"

The hedges stood no chance; by the time that Franky's attack faded, a series of successive holes had been burned into them, forming a clear, tunnel-like path. Grinning, Franky ran through them as fast as he could, and in no time at all, he ran right out of the maze...

... and into a graveyard.

"What the...?"

Franky cocked an eyebrow in disbelief. He turned around to face an even stranger sight; the hedge maze was entirely gone, replaced by a mass of headstones, as if he had been in a graveyard the whole time.

"What the hell is wrong with this place?!" the cyborg yelled at nobody in particular. When all this was over with, he was going to get himself an extra-strength barrel of beer! Grumbling, he turned around and faced a sight that trumped the other two in a landslide.

The always-headstrong Nami and the calm and collected Robin were slowly inching backwards, their faces looking like they were seeing the end of the world or something. Even from where he was, Franky could tell that their breathing were coming in ragged, shallow gasps. There was just one problem: they were backing away from nothing. Nothing that he could see, at least.

Unknown to the cyborg, the two girls had just been exposed to a potent hallucinogenic gas released from the Joker dummy they had encountered shortly before. Unlike, oh, about ninety-nine percent of the time in fiction, this gas was _not _a purple (or green) smoke that emerged from the flowers, giving the girls a clue to get the hell away.

Instead, it was colorless, odorless chemical concoction meant to to screw with their heads. How did it accomplish this? By conjuring up visions of the person (or people, in this case) held most closely to their hearts, of course!

_"You disappoint me, Nami," _said the woman with red hair reaching to her upper back. _"I give up my own life for you and Nojiko, and you repay me by joining the man who killed me?!"_

Nami could utter no words as the illusion of her stepmother came closer and closer. Somewhere, a tiny portion of her own mind screamed that it couldn't be Bellemere, but she was far too captivated to notice.

_"Is this what I raised?" _ the phantom Olivia's tone was harsh. _"A terrorist-in-training traveling with the son of the worst criminal in the world?"_

Robin was slightly calmer than Nami in face of this predicament, but she still couldn't help but wince.

"Oi, are you two okay?" Franky asked, the hallucinations of the two women all but nonexistent to him. The cyborg stepped closer and closer, not noticing the decapitated dummy nearby until-

_"If I were you, I'd be more worried about myself!"_

Franky did a double take at the booming voice. Only one man had it, and only one man ever would.

"T-Tom?!"

Indeed, the enormous yellow-skinned fishman was standing right in front of him. Franky stared in disbelief.

_"Why didn't you help me?!"_ Tom thundered. _"You were the one who built the instruments of my conviction!"_

"I-I did everything I could!" Franky stammered.

_"To think that our children..."_

_"... would do something so vile..."_

_"... as to follow the future Pirate King!" _the three phantoms boomed together as one.

Nami and Franky, paralyzed, could not speak or even force themselves to look at their "parents", but somewhere along the way, something must have clicked in Robin's mind, because she spoke for the first time in the last five minutes.

"You. Are. Not. My. Mother."

Even while paralyzed with terror, Nami and Franky could decipher the fury in Robin's voice. Phantom Olivia opened her mouth again, but before she could say anything, Robin swung a hand through her face. In an instant, she vanished into the night air as if she were just an oddly-colored patch of mist.

Maybe it was the spirit of friendship. Maybe it was just them following Robin's example. In any case, Nami and Franky hardened their hearts as well toward their respective phantoms.

"You're not Bellemere! She would've been proud that I'm following my dream of mapping out the world!"

"You're not Tom! He would've been proud of me no matter what path I took!"

Nami readied her Perfect Clima-Tact. Franky merely cracked his knuckles.

"SO SHUT THE HELL UP!" the two pirates yelled simultaneously. Nami swung her weather-manipulating staff at the same instant Franky swung his fist, dissipating the illusions.

In that moment, there was nothing left in the graveyard besides three heavily breathing pirates, a now-useless dummy, and about a hundred headstones.

Oh, and two bombs. They dug those up later under two graves marked "Nico Robin" and "Cutty Flam", respectively.

==With Zoro...==

The swordsman just realized something: he really, really hated fireworks. And horses. And that had nothing to do with the fact that he was fighting off two demonic stallions while an endless barrage of blindingly colorful fireworks shot into the air were effectively making his eyes useless. Nope. No, siree!

_This is worse than that time on Sky Island!_ Zoro thought as one of the bloodthirsty horses, easily the size of a small boat, slammed its hoof where he was moments before. _At least I had plenty of places to take cover behind back then!_

Here, however, he had no such luck. As far as he could tell (with all the colorful explosions filling the air), his current location consisted of little more than a patch of flat, earthy ground, stretching out in all directions as far as the eye could see (which, admittedly, wasn't far). He'd rather have another round with the zombie gunmen any day!

"NEEEIIIIIIIGH!!!"

Zoro barely managed to dive out of the way as demon horse number two pounced toward him, barely missing him with its hooves. The swordsman scowled and sliced in its general direction with Shuusui, an attack that it somehow managed to sidestep. Despite their size, they were much faster than they looked.

KRACK! SPARK! KABOOM!

The fireworks weren't exactly light on the ears, either. Few times had Zoro fought with these kinds of handicaps - he was usually sustaining some kind of injury, but that he could overcome in a pinch. Here, he couldn't even see where the fireworks were coming from, let alone stop them!

WHAM!

Zoro cursed as a pair of diamond-hard hooves caught him in the chin and sent him flying. The swordsman tumbled a good distance away, but even from there, he could hear the horses pawing the ground for another charge.

This ended now. He was not going to stand around for any more games. He got into a kneeling position, sheathed Wado Ichimonji, and readied his two remaining swords.

"Niitouryu Iai..."

Cancel out all noise, he thought. Cancel out all distractions. Nothing exists besides you, your blades, and your target.

"NEEEIIIIGH!"

It was time to strike.

"Rashomon!"

He could hear the horses cry out in pain as they hit the ground, never to rise again, but he didn't need to. In that moment, he would have known that he had cut them to ribbons even if he were deaf.

He opened his eyes. Now, if only finding a bomb with all this riffraff was that easy...

==With Sanji==

The cook couldn't help but whistle at the cake in front of him: it was as tall as a building, thirteen enormous candles shaped like Roman soldiers situated amongst its three layers. He noted that a slice had been cut out from the bottommost layer, and laid aside. Even a single slice was almost twice as tall as he was.

As he walked closer toward the cake, he noticed something: the V-shaped cut that had been made into it created what looked like they were two passageways. Disbelieving, the cook walked even closer, and stuck his hand out. He felt nothing but air; the layers of the cake were indeed hollow.

Sanji half felt like marveling at such a design, half felt like seething over how a piece of food was supposed to be eaten, not be used to store something. Still, he supposed that if he was supposed to find another bomb (or Luffy), he would have to check it out.

As he walked along the hallway, he noted that had he seen the cake first, he never would have guessed this to be the inside of one. The walls were a blood red, and a series of holes were situated every few feet along the top of them. Probably for ventilation, he thought.

Oh, how wrong he was.

SLAM!

"What the-"

Sanji's sentence was cut off, however, as he noticed that a sickly green-looking liquid was pouring out of one of the holes on the wall. As soon as it made contact with the ground, it began to make an unpleasant hissing sound and began to sluggishly creep toward the cook.

The cook risked a look behind him, and realized that the opening he had come in through had now vanished. His attention was soon diverted again, however, as several other holes in the wall also began pouring the same green liquid.

Not wanting to risk touching something unidentified, Sanji leapt straight up and, in the same instant, lashed both legs out, holding himself in place between the walls (mercifully close together enough so that he could pull off this stunt). At the same time, however, his cigarette inadvertently fell out of his mouth and into the river of green liquid below.

HISS!

Well, there went the thought of trying to swim through it, Sanji thought grimly as the cigarette evaporated in less than a second. Probably, the only thing to do now was wall-jump his way across, Super Mario-style. He bound from one wall to the other like a pinball, careful to not a let a drop of the green stuff touch him - his suit didn't come cheap, after all. Thankfully, the holes (all of them now spewing the stuff) were never directly across from each other, allowing him to weave around them.

After a few minutes of this, he came across a set of stairs heading into a rectangular-shaped hole, probably leading to the second layer (or was it level?) of the cake. Of course, that was just a guess, seeing as how it was now entirely flooded with the sickly green liquid. Tightening his leg muscles, Sanji made a powerful bound right into the hole and, once more, used both of his legs to hold himself up between two walls. God, this was tiring.

Bounce. Bounce. Dodge the slime (or whatever). Rinse and repeat. By the time he had gotten to the set of stairs leading to the top of the cake, he was ready to pass out from exhaustion. This set of stairs weren't covered in the stuff - a good sign.

He found a handle in the ceiling at the very top of the stairs, probably for a trapdoor. Sure enough, as he pushed on it, an entire panel of the ceiling gave way, and Sanji found himself at very top of the cake, only a few feet away from the biggest of the Roman soldier-shaped candles.

Half-buried in the cake was - you guessed it - one of the bombs.

"When I find that clown, I'm going to tear him a new one for wasting food like this!" Sanji grumbled.

==With Brook...==

If this was what Impel Down looked like, Brook thought, then he would make an effort to _never_ get himself tossed in there.

The room that he was inside now was extremely narrow, both sides being lined with forlorn-looking cells. The cells weren't empty, though he wished that they were; the prisoners sneering and scowling at him from each cell looked like they could scare a ghost away.

Suddenly, he felt a powerful hand grab onto his afro. He gave a sharp tug, and felt a piece of it being torn away. He looked behind himself to see an enormous-looking prisoner with a mouth full of lopsided teeth and a scar over his right eye yelling in triumph at his new "toy".

Brook's fear turned to rage, but he still wasn't fool enough to pick a fight and risk destroying the door to every cell. Right now, he could count at least twelve prisoners on either side, and the room stretched on for much longer than that.

He continued walking for a few minutes, until he came to what was undoubtedly the end of the room. An enormous painting now stood before him, its glass covering bearing a number of cracks. The painting itself showed a man... or the hand of one, at least. His outstretched right hand covered at least a third of the picture, though Brook was still able to make out his head and his other hand (which was doing its best to cover his face).

If it weren't for the dark look in the man's (single visible) eye, Brook would have found the picture comical. Instead, he found it quite eerie. He stood there, staring at it for some time, and then...

BLAM!

Brook yelped and barely dove out of the way as the man in the painting suddenly whipped out a gun and fired a shot at him. Let me repeat that: a man that was supposed to be made out of no more than various paints on canvas had just moved of his own accord and whipped out a gun that wasn't even in the picture.

Amid the laughing prisoners, Brook did a power slide to avoid the next barrage of shots, and turned his head to the man in the cell right next to him. One of his bony hands plunged into his jacket and pulled out his violin.

"Nemurita Flanc!"

The melody was largely drowned out by the man in the painting's gunfire, but Brook was close enough to the man in the cell for him to keel over asleep regardless. Grinning, Brook sliced the bars of the door apart, hefted the sleeping man out (he was surprisingly light), and dashed into the cell, contemplating what to do now.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Of course! Why hadn't he thought of it before? He had an attack that was as close to a gunshot as a sword allowed!

He tensed his entire body (even though he had no muscles to tense, yohoho!); he needed to move as fast as he could for this to work. Slowly, he inched his body toward the opening of the cell.

"Aubade Coup Droit!"

A jet of cutting air blasted forth from his blade like a cannon ball, heading right for the lethal painting.

SKRASH!

The gunfire stopped. Hesitantly, Brook peered out. Approximately one second later, he cried out in triumph; the painting was destroyed.

And as a bonus, it had fallen flat on its front, revealing the bomb hidden in a secret compartment in the wall behind it.

==Back to Luffy...==

Luffy wasn't sure when he had finally fallen out of the whirlpool, but man, was he glad to finally be rid of it.

SMASH!!!

Even if it meant falling a good forty or so feet onto some not-so-soft surface. He was a rubberman, after all. The floor beneath him, however, was not, and promptly turned into a Luffy-shaped crater. Luffy got up, rubbing his head, and got up, his enormous smile in place once again.

"Hee-hee-hee! Looks like I'm not dead after all!"

He looked around; whatever this place was, it was a lot less interesting. There was nothing here besides mountains of half-burnt pieces of paper, as well as a few puddles here and there. Altogether, it gave off a slightly gross feeling.

The straw hat-wearing pirate turned around to inspect the spot where he had fallen, and spotted the other thing he was supposed to be looking for besides his nakama: a bomb. In case you were wondering what it looked like, it looked just like the other bombs, only about twice as big.

"Hey! It's the bomb!" Luffy yelled in triumph. It wasn't his nakama, but it was something.

He approached the bomb when something hit him: he didn't have the slightest clue as to how to deactivate one. Oh, well, he'd just have to make it up as he went along, he thought cheerfully as he yanked off the lid. He then proceeded to yank apart the wires one by one.

==With Joker...==

The mad clown laughed evilly. There was only one bomb left to be "deactivated", and then, the countdown would begin. Oh, those fools wouldn't know what hit them! His eyes carelessly drifted to one monitor in particular, of a room that the two girls had already been in. It should have been empty... except it wasn't.

"WHAT?! How did that rubber-brained moron get in there?!" Joker yelled in disbelief. "Don't tell me he actually figured out the puzzle with the moon and girl?!"

He then noticed something else: the idiot had _found_ the real bomb. That was impossible! He had buried it in the same room as one of the other bombs (but much deeper) so that they would never suspect it of being there!

And from the looks of it, Strawhat was trying to deactivate it without any clue of what he was doing.

Joker was many things, but he was not stupid. After all, he knew exactly the right thing to say at this moment.

"Oh... crap."

KABOOM!!!

End of Chapter 13

Now, assuming that you've read this far without putting this fanfiction down in disgust and declaring me the worst writer ever: the story is not over. Kindly note the arrow to the right of the chapter select bar, and click on it. You may be astounded or disappointed. Baffled or furious. Surprised or merely smug at the fact that you saw this coming.

And while you're doing that: please count the number of inaccuracies concerning the Strawhats that I've made in this chapter. I put them all there on purpose.


	14. Chapter fourteen

Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece. Start Chapter.

Luffy's breathing came in quick, shallow gasps. He could feel a cold sweat all over his body, threatening to freeze him solid.

_"Luffy-kun? Luffy-kun!"_

Slowly, he began to peel apart his sticky eyelids.

_"Luffy-kun, wake up!"_

He smacked his lips together. He didn't know why, but he had the oddest feeling that something horrible had just occurred. A blurry shadow began to take shape before his sleep-filled eyes, slowly but surely coming into focus. A pair of black eyes, filled with concern, stared into his own.

_"Oh, thank God,"_ the smooth and feminine but panicked-sounding voice breathed.

By now, he could clearly see the tall, black-haired woman who stood in front of him, her snake-shaped earrings shaking visibly.

"Mmm... Hanmock?"

"You were tossing and turning in your sleep!" the Shichibukai Boa Hancock said, pressing her forehead against Luffy's. "Oh, God, you're burning up!"

Luffy couldn't think of an appropriate response, so he let Hancock carry on. "What happened?" the "Pirate Empress" asked at last. "Did you have a bad dream?"

Anyone else would have balked at such a childish term, let alone admit to it, but Luffy wasn't anyone else. "Yeah... I think."

"What was it about?"

Luffy struggled mentally as he racked his brain for memories of what had just happened. Usually, he wasn't all that good at remembering dreams, as they mostly came to him a few hours after he had awoken (and been fed), and even then, they were but dim memories.

This time, however, it all came to him in a flash: his nakama... they had died... and he had been responsible for it.

He inhaled sharply, and his eyes opened wider than a normal human's eyes should have been able to. Hancock, startled, stumbled back. "Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah."

No matter what he often told Sanji about the missing food supplies aboard the Thousand Sunny, Luffy was not a liar at heart. It wasn't in his nature to lie about things like this, so why did he do it just now? He didn't know.

He closed his eyes, trying his hardest to go back to sleep, but the enormous fireball... the mere thought of his nakama being burned to cinders, their limbs thrown haphazardly over the Grand Line... they would not let him rest. He told himself over and over again that they were much too strong to meet such a demise, but it was still a long time before his emotion-overloaded brain finally relaxed.

----

Boa Hancock, the sole female Shichibukai, could be many things. She could be seductive. She could be (and often was) cruel. She could even show kindheartedness every now and then that she was sure had perished during her years as a slave to the Tenryubito.

But she was not stupid.

No matter what Monkey D. Luffy told her, he was most certainly _not_ okay. Whatever nightmares he had just had were not your run-of-the-mill nightmares about being chased by wild animals or falling off a building. It had to be much deeper than that.

His body language told her everything; he was not the kind of man to be terrified of being chased by wild beasts (hell, he knocked out a panther the size of a house in a single punch!), so what could have possibly made him break out in a cold sweat and twist and turn like that? The only times that she had done similar actions were when she had nightmares about her days as the Tenryubitos' slave. Those dreams, she did not confide in anybody. Not Elder Nyon. Not Sandersonia or Marigold.

What could have frightened this fearless man so badly?

Oblivious to the fact that she was still in her pajamas, the "Pirate Empress" of the Grand Line made her way to the door of her cabin, hoping to get some answers. In truth, however, she didn't even need to walk outside to learn the truth behind the whole ordeal.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU MIXED UP THE EXPERIMENTAL DRUG WITH THE CHAMPAGNE CASKS?!"

Boa froze in her tracks, and behind her, Luffy stirred a bit. The tall woman rushed to the door, pressing one ear against it. She couldn't afford to miss out on a word of this.

"I-I must've been..."

"Drunk? Distracted? Half-asleep?" Momonga barked, fury dripping off of every syllable.

The owner of the stammering voice (probably a marine recruit; Boa didn't bother to remember them by name, so she couldn't tell which) began to say something else, but Momonga cut him off.

"Do you have any idea," he said in a much quieter tone, but just as enraged-sounding as his previous one. "How much you've screwed up? The drug was developed by the top researchers of the World Government themselves! It took them years to create!"

"U-um, with all r-respect, s-sir..." the marine stammered. "Wh-what does it do?"

"Exactly what I'm about to do," Momonga said, his voice now laced with a sadistic edge. "Bring your worst nightmares to life."

"Uh, what...?"

"In other words, you dimwit, it was meant to mentally cripple pirates and other lawbreakers by transforming their dreams into their worst nightmares!"

"... oh."

"What do you mean 'oh'?! Not only have you wasted a potential weapon to be used against Whitebeard's forces, but you've used it on one of our most powerful allies! If we're going to stand a chance in hell against the man who went toe-to-toe with Roger himself, we're going to need all the help we can get!"

By now, Hancock was seething with rage. It was all the fault of those dimwitted marines that her poor Luffy-kun was now a snivelling wreck. She had never like the World Government and their stooges to begin with, but this really took the cake.

If they thought they could get away with this, they had another thought coming.

With that, she cleared her throat and screamed in as high-pitched a sound as she could muster so early in the day.

"KYYYAAAAAAAA!!!"

In an instant, she heard the pounding of a dozen pairs of boots against the deck of the ship. She flung open the door, closed it (it wouldn't do for the marines to see Luffy, after all) and leaned against the wall, panting heavily and doing her best to look terrified.

"Hancock-san!" Momonga cried in alarm, as if his worst fears had been realized. "What happened?"

"Oh... I had such an awful dream..." Hancock sniveled. "I... I dreamt that I was one being swallowed by an enormous Sea King... and all around me, the marines were cheering it on..."

This act produced the exact intended effect; Momonga threw a look toward the marine recruit standing beside him that made the young man wince as if burned.

"There, there... It was only a dream, now..." he stated awkwardly. It was clear that, despite his battle experience, he had little knowledge in how to soothe someone in distress that he couldn't just order to suck it up.

Hancock sniffed again. "But... it seemed so real..."

"We're... terribly sorry for this inconvenience," Momonga stated at last after a moment of slience. "You feel free to get as much sleep as you like, now. We'll be stopping at an island shortly for supplies. Anything you want, it's on me, alright?"

Hancock raised a hand to her eye and wiped away a (nonexistent) tear. "O-okay..."

With that, Hancock went back in and closed the door. Outside, she could hear Momonga verbally tearing the marine a new one.

"Latrine duty. Tonight. And every night after that! For ten years! Or until you've died! Whichever comes first!"

In spite of herself, Hancock smiled. It was nice to know that she could do something for her soulmate besides simply giving him a ride to Impel Down.

End

Okay, you guys are probably going to want to tear me a new one now for using such a cliched ending, but I've actually had this ending in mind for quite some time now. If you think about it, everything being a (drug-induced) dream is probably the only one that makes sense.

The inaccuracies about the Strawhats in the last chapter were meant to foreshadow the fact that the entire story had been a dream, but I'm guessing that that wasn't exactly a success. If you're still curious, here are the inaccuracies:

Luffy swimming (Devil fruit user, remember?)

Chopper's nose being black

Brook actually taking the fact that somebody damaged his afro without tearing the guy to pieces.

Technically, this "epilogue" could count as another chapter of Troper Tales, covering the "All Just A Dream" trope. As such, there won't be a chapter starring Boa in that story.

Well, now that I've finally got this story out of the way, expect many more updates for Troper Tales and Laugh it Up. One week after July 7, of course, because I'm going to be travelling to Yellowstone in a few short hours. I wanted to finish it before I go, but make no mistake: I did not make this ending up on the fly.

Well, good night, everybody!


End file.
